My Life so Far Part 8

I was very nervous starting high school. I am usually nervous at anything new that I do, even now, and this was no different. It was different this time though, I was going into a school that housed mini adults, ones who drove, had sex, partied, and had facial hair. It was very exciting as well. Again, it was a new school, so I had to learn a whole new campus and classrooms which was difficult. I was in classes with kids of all different ages and in different grades, which was nerve wracking but once I got used to things, allowed me to make different friends which I enjoyed. I didn't really have a lot of my close friends in any of my classes, so I stayed to myself a lot for the first little bit of school, and eventually came out of my shell. As I got older, it got easier to do that. While I came to enjoy the freedom you have from going from middle school to high school, I was also a little overwhelmed by it and by all the frankly handsome seniors guys and beautiful girls that surrounded me, as well as sitting in a classroom and overhearing a conversation about sex or drugs like it was an every day matter. Which I guess it was, but I had never been around that. I think I adapted pretty well.

I think the most influential class I had throughout high school was my band class. I had it every semester, starting in 9th grade until I graduated. I almost always had the same people in the class with me, our first semester was just 9th graders, and we gave one concert which was the Christmas Concert. It was always a very laid back class; a lot of my friends were in it, because they had all been in the one in middle school. It was a place where I could relax and be myself and not be so nervous all the time. The teacher was a little crazy; he was a great guy, a great teacher, who demanded we be the best we could at our music and to love it as much as he did, but he was very moody, and had a violent temper if things weren't going his way. Many times students would get something thrown at them or get screamed at. It was strange to fear yet admire someone all at the same time...

In band was when I started to become closer to my friend I had started becoming close with in 8th grade. We played the same instrument and always sat together, we were stand partners. We didn't have any other classes together, but we did do Marching Band, which was an after school activity together, and soon we were inseparable.

My best friend had a hard time with this... we had no classes together and rarely saw each other in such a big school. We really tried to stay in contact, with talking on the phone and doing things on the weekends when we could, but it was hard. She found different friends as well and we began to grow even further apart.

I was still in a relationship with my summer boyfriend. He had just started high school too, so every evening we would call each other and see how the day went. We did a couple of things outside of school, movies and he came to a couple of football games when I was playing with the band. I missed him a lot, and we were just trying to make it until one of us got old enough to drive, then we could see each other more. But I am not good at the long distance thing, I never have been. It was hard to not be able to see him every day and frustrated both of us. I struggled because there were so many guys all of a sudden, older and in my grade paying me so much attention, not that I wanted to date them, but I enjoyed just experiencing the attention and having fun, and I felt guilty, like I was betraying my boyfriend if I did, or if I let myself be friendly with a guy, and it made me feel sad too, because he wasn't there. I was starting to have doubts about how our relationship was going to hold up. I didn't want to hurt him for anything; he was great and treated me so well. But I didn't want to go on being unhappy. I ended up breaking up with him a couple of months into school. I felt terrible about it, because he didn't take it well, but I thought it would be better in the long run. I just thought the timing was awful, we shouldn't have tried to have a relationship right when we were both about to start a new school. I tried to stay friends with him, but it hurt us both too much, so we quit talking.

Marching Band became a big part of my life. It dominated my after school time and my Friday nights. It was harder then it looked, moving and playing at the same time is hard enough, and we had to remember our songs in our head and remember our routine. We practiced in the blazing hot sun, in the rain, in the freezing cold. Friday evenings were always chaotic. People running around getting dressed in uniforms, practicing music, making sure everything was in place on your body, especially your hair in your hat. Practice though, while it was hard and draining at times, was one of the best parts about high school. I made great friends and had a lot of fun with those people. I met my next boyfriend in band. He was a year older then me. I actually hadn't noticed him; I had been so busy trying to keep my head above water so to speak that I wasn't noticing much of anything. He came up out of the blue one day and started talking to me... I thought it was weird because I had no idea who he was and thought he was mistaking me for someone else. He thought that was funny. We started hanging out before and after practice and he started calling me. Soon we were dating. He was a little different then the guys I had dated before. He was rail thin, thinner then I was, with shaggy blonde hair, green eyes and dark skin. He was quiet, like me, so when he talked you really paid attention. And I loved his smell; it was so intoxicating and original, I used to love to smell my clothes when I left him because they smelled like him. He didn't wear cologne, it was just his natural scent, which I thought was even more sexy. He was the first guy I had dated that wasn't a virgin, and it made me a bit uneasy. He never pressured me, but I always thought it would be an issue if we dated for a while. We had a very strange and short relationship. He was very hot and cold. One minute he thought the world of me, the next he was questioning our whole relationship. He didn't like me talking to other guys, he didn't like my friends. I wasn't too crazy about his either, they were mostly all female. He was very flirty with all of them and I didn't like it, although he swore he meant nothing by it, which struck me as odd because he had dated a couple of them. We fought a lot, and I realized I didn't want to be in that kind of a relationship, especially when I had practically just started school. I ended it and he was not thrilled about it, so it made practice and games extremely hard.

It was around this time that my dad got married. I was a bit blindsided by it; I knew they had gotten engaged the year before, but I had never heard anything about wedding plans. I was informed one week before the wedding of the date and that I was a bridesmaid. I was shocked and angry at my dad for not telling me, I mean they had been planning it for a while! I don't know if he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't approve or what. But nevertheless, I wore a grape purple dress, carried a fishbowl with a candle in it and wore heels and watched him get married. I was delighted to see my cousins from out of town, they came to the wedding and I spent the weekend with them. I don't honestly think my dad would have married this woman if my grandma had still been alive. I think he was scared and worried he had no one to take care of him, so he did it. He has been regretting it ever since.

I quickly got a new boyfriend, who I thought was a better fit. He was a very influential person in my life and my first serious relationship. He pursued me with no qualms, he knew what he wanted and made sure I knew it. It was a change for me; I had always dated quiet shy guys, and this guy wasn't at all like that. He was loud and loved being the center of attention. He was also a senior and in Marching Band with me. He played the drums. His best friend had started dating mine, the girl who played the same instrument as me, and we began hanging out through them. I was a little reluctant to get into another relationship so soon after my last two had ended, but like I said, he was very persistent, and hard to resist. So when he asked me I said yes. Right off he was very different from any guy I had dated. I didn't have to analyze anything or worry I said something wrong. He was always very upfront and easy going about everything. He always made me feel special and cherished, and could never pay me enough compliments. It was so nice to hear, I had never had such a vocal boyfriend. He was always doing things to show he was thinking of me. Putting love notes in my locker, sending me roses for a 2 week then 1 month anniversary, then every month after that as well. He carried my books, my purse, and sometimes even me when we were all dead tired from coming home from an away game at 1 in the morning. I was deliriously happy. I loved our new clique of him and our best friends. We did everything together.

My parents were a uneasy about my relationship. The fact that we were 4 years apart was an issue. My dad did not trust that in the least. He would always ask why I couldn't find someone my own age and didn't I know what guys that age wanted from girls my age? My mom reserved judgements until she met him and she quickly learned that wasn't what it was about. She liked him right off and we always had her support. My dad annoyed me because he was so sure of all his beliefs when he had never even met him. So I set up a time where he could and it went pretty well. My boyfriend was super nervous, he wanted to make a good impression and was actually more subdued then I had ever seen him. My dad was a little better after meeting him, but was still worried. I told him I was happy and he needed to just let me be, I wouldn't let anyone push me into anything.

While I was confident that he would never pressure me, I myself was apprehensive about our relationship and where it might go. I was still a virgin, not only a virgin, but had never done anything more then kiss with any other guy. I was too nervous for that stuff and all the guys I had dated were too. I was worried with him being the way he was and the fact that he was older that he may have some expectations and experience. He didn't; in fact he told me he was a virgin too, which I balked at, but he assured me was true, he had only a couple of serious relationships and he never took the next step in them and wasn't into random hookups. I was surprised. He also told me he wasn't wanting to do anything until I was ready. We connected very quickly, and our relationship grew very intense. One of our common threads we bonded over was both having hard childhoods and sexual abuse. He was overweight, not terribly, and he was tall so it just looked like he was just big boned, but he had issues with that. I know no one else cared; he had tons of admirers because of his personality and had girlfriends in the past, but he always had self image issues. I understood from my clothes teasing in the past, being worried about what people thought of you, but he was very handsome. He had brown hair, blue eyes and a beautiful smile that lit up a room. All of that made us physically start to connect, that and good ole hormones I guess. We went from making out all the time to groping, eventually to having sex. Like all couples, we had gotten close a couple of times and I backed off at the last minute, and he never got angry, he was always patient. Then one time I didn't. I don't know what changed. I was tired of worrying about it and obsessing over it. So instead of backing off when I usually did, I didn't stop. He asked me again if I was sure and I said yes. I was so scared, I remember my legs shaking and my heart racing, but he was very gentle. I won't lie, it was like most first times, it was painful and awkward and over pretty quickly. But at least it was over. I felt different and we did become closer.

After it was over, I told my mom. We had always had a close relationship and I told her everything. She wasn't surprised, she had wished I told her before and not after, but I told her we were careful. She took me to get on birth control. She then told me that she thought my dad should know. I was terrified at the thought; he and my boyfriend had actually been getting a long well. He had even let him shadow him at work for a day for school. This would change all of that and our relationship, because I knew he would never look at me the same way again. But I knew that if I was going to be grown up enough to be having sex and being on birth control, I needed to tell my father. So I did. And he was furious. He wouldn't look at me or talk to me for a while. We had been together for months and as the months went on and he realized that my boyfriend really did care about me and wasn't wanting one thing, he began to lighten up a bit. It was a subject we never spoke of though.

Towards the end of the school year we moved again. We moved into a trailer across town and while it was another trailer, it was better then the one room apartment we were living in. I had my own room, it was teeny, but it was mine. I never had one before, I always had to share with someone. My brother and sister shared one with bunk beds. My mom and my soon to be stepdad were still together, just not living together, so on weekends she went to stay with him. She usually took my sister and sometimes my brother. Sometimes my brother stayed with me or a friend. He did everything he could to keep from going because he didn't like him. It was around this time when my mom really stopped being a parent. She became so wrapped up in her relationship, she didn't care what we did. She let me, who was 15, stay at home alone for days at a time with no food or transportation and sometimes no phone. My boyfriend stayed with me a lot so I wouldn't be alone. She didn't care if my brother and sister went with her or not, she usually discouraged them from going with her; if they stayed with me, she would have a whole weekend for herself and him, while I stayed at home taking care of her other kids, making sure they were safe and fed. My boyfriend and i grew tired of our time together being all about my siblings, although he was great with them, they really liked him. They ended up going to their aunt's out of town for the summer.

My dad told me also in the spring of that year that my stepmom was pregnant. I wasn't really surprised, maybe by the urgency of it, they hadn't been married a year yet. But I wished them well, although it was weird to think of my dad having another kid, especially when he didn't seem to be thrilled about the idea....

In the spring my boyfriend graduated. I was worried about the change. He wouldn't be in school with me anymore when fall came, and he would be starting a whole new life. I wondered how we would fit in to each other's. I remembered what had happened the previous year with my ex and suggested we break up so it wouldn't end badly later on. He didn't agree with me and wanted to make it work. So we did our best. He got a full time job when summer came at a plant, so he worked weird hours. It became really hard for us to stay in contact, let alone see each other. I usually spent my time hanging out with my female cousins whom I lived near now that we had moved. They were 3 and 4 years older then me. We had grew up together and went to the same high school. I quickly became immersed in their clique of friends and boyfriends. My blonde cousin, who was 3 years younger had a boyfriend who was my boyfriend's age. He seemed like a nice enough guy, I quickly became her confidant about their problems and relationship. I didn't really want the job, I had issues of my own. I was frustrated with not ever seeing my boyfriend, and was thinking if it was going to be like this in the summer, how was it going to be in the fall when I was in school? So I distracted myself by taking on her problems as well. We became really close, and she always liked for me to go out with her and her boyfriend, who also came with a best friend. The best friend was absolutely gorgeous. He screamed sex. He was part Italian, so he had dark skin, brown eyes, and brown hair that was frosted blonde. He had a great body and an even better smile. He was a real ladies man, a player, a flirt. So when he took an interest in me I thought nothing of it, he would hit on anything that moved. I guess I became a challenge for him. My cousin told me he was very interested, which I could tell for myself. I politely said I had a boyfriend and thanks but no thanks. He didn't care.

Now I know it sounds cliched and it is, but I cheated. I am not proud of it and I don't condone it. But I was 15. As much as I cared about my boyfriend, I had no business being in such a long intense relationship. It wasn't fair to me, I was too young to be thinking that it was forever, and it wasn't fair to him. When I started noticing another guy I should have broke it off immediately before I did something stupid. But I didn't and the only thing I can say was I was young. I really did think I could control myself and him. But I couldn't, and I surprised and shamed myself, because I really didn't think I was capable of doing such a thing. It all started as a game really. I knew he was interested and I would have to be blind as to not be attracted. While I enjoyed the feeling of a serious stable relationship, there was a part of me wanting to be dangerous and have fun and not worry about deep feelings. To just have a good time. And I did when I was around him. I knew what he was about; and it didn't bother me. I flirted and figured at least someone was paying me attention. I know my boyfriend was working a lot, but in his spare time he had been wanting to hang out with friends he had let drift away while we were so wrapped up in each other. The other guy, the best friend, was always around. I told myself many times I should stop coming around, to tell him I was serious about not being interested. But I didn't. So one night we kissed. Then we slept together. It was only once; and afterwards I felt awful. What kind of person was I to have done that??? I didn't think much of myself at all and I didn't try to make excuses for myself. I told him I could never do that again and to leave me alone. He was confused because he thought we were having a good time. And I was. It would have been so easy to have kept on messing around. But I knew people would find out and it would get back to my boyfriend. I asked him not to say anything to anyone and to drop it.

Towards the end of the summer I went with my dad and stepmom to the beach to visit my uncle. I took my old best friend with me. I had called her at the beginning of summer and we caught up and were hanging out occasionally. I told her what happened and she helped me sort it all out. It felt good to get away from all of it. When I got back, I called my boyfriend and told him I needed some space, that it wasn't working anymore. He took it hard and didn't understand where it was coming from. I told him I just thought we had been together a long time and needed a break. I couldn't bring myself to tell him about my affair. I didn't want to hurt him anymore then I already was, but I knew I couldn't go on in a relationship when I had done that and live with myself. He finally agreed and wanted to stay in contact. I said ok.

Meanwhile, I was bombarded with phone calls from my cousin wanting me to come over. When I did, I found the best friend was there. He was still upset with me for blowing him off. I was confused; you would have thought a guy like that would be grateful, that was what he did to girls all the time. I knew he didn't want a relationship with me, he barely knew me. I was giving him an out and suggested he take it. Turns out he didn't want to. This guy, who loved to play the field, was wanting me and just me. I was driving him crazy, I was all he ever thought about. I was stunned. So was everyone else who knew him. They had never seen him like this with anyone before. My cousin thought it had to do with the fact that I wasn't needing or wanting him all the time. He was intrigued by it. He told me he actually wanted to spend more time with me and see where it led. I was ok with doing what we were doing. I had just broken up with someone and didn't want anything else. But having someone to just hang out with sounded like a relief. I told him that was all I could do and he would have to take it or leave it. He took it, proclaiming he would change my mind. But it didn't work out. We hung out a lot over the summer, although we had sex one other time, but mostly we just spent time together. It was nice having a change like that. I enjoyed hanging out with everyone, but as I knew before, my blonde cousin like to cause drama. Her boyfriend turned out to be a pig. While I was away at the beach, she had found out he cheated on her. She was trying to work things out with him and while he was around, he decided to flirt with me a lot. She didn't like it and in typical girl fashion, blamed me and said I was coming on to him. I told her repeatedly I wasn't interested. He was nice looking, but he wasn't my type and besides I was spending time with his best friend who frankly, looked much better. I quickly became fed up with all of them. With her, for not believing me, with him, for not defending me and for starting all of that to begin with, and even my fling, who acted hurt like I had done something to him. So with that, and with school getting ready to start, I dumped all of them. I went back home and stopped talking to everyone. They obviously weren't my friends, and I had told my fling I wasn't interested in a relationship. I would miss certain parts of our fling, but it wasn't worth all of the drama.