In my head

My head rules my life, one day happy, next day sad, some days are like the four seasons!

My mind creates a thought or image and it wriggles its way into the deepest depths of my head and won't leave. And I toss and turn and try to get on with life but everyday seems to get harder and harder, with new thoughts and images. I cry, a lot. I get so angry that I just want to hurt, smash and destroy.

Then BANG! everythings fine again for a wee while, my mind behaves itself. No thoughts, no images, I can smile again and mean it. I have all the confidence in the world.

So why does it keep happening to me? Why do I not feel like everyone else? I feel sometimes like I must be insane, that there is something seriously wrong with my head. And I know that it won't go away. I try to accept it and that works for a while but sometimes I get so low that I find it so tough to pick myself back up. Maybe I have too much going on in my life, I keep trying to fill it so there is no time to sit and think about things, not realising that there is too much. My mind needs some freedom.

I feel guilt about a lot of my thoughts, past and present. What I have done to people, how I have treated them. The thoughts of the things I would like to happen, all the people I could hurt if it came to be. And I feel like I can talk to no-one, ashamed of what goes on in my mind.

My mind is my prison, it allows no escape.