An Interview with a Vampire

Before you read this, take into consideration that it is not a serious writing. It's the result of a debate about vampires, in which I suggested they could eat flowers and the author still had right to call them vampires. Typically, this lead to the writing of this interview.

If you're somehow offended, don't take it against me. I'd rather you commented on whether I managed to convey the dialogue or not. But anyway:

An Interview with a Vampire


Q: Today we have the Grim Preacher with us on Ridicule, Slander and TV, the TV show that you all love! Grim Preacher is a vampire from a church in Transylvania and he has decided to allow us to ask him certain questions of an awkward nature. Grim Preacher, is it true that vampires drink blood?
A: That is a very annoying misconception. We suck blood. We suck.

Q: Is it your source of nutrition?
A: We don’t need nutrition! We’re vampires! But it tastes good! It keeps our reputation nasty - although we decided to try something new. Chewing flowers is the recent trend to keep our reputation nasty. I occasionally have to do it. I’m not called Grim for nothing you know. It won’t last long however. The younger vampires these days… they’ve even abandoned the night tradition. They’re waking up in twilight and going out in human society, undisguised! And oh the language! My son’s most recent message to his friend: "STEPH IRC THE M3Y3R OF FORKS! LOLOLOL!" Terrible! Terrible! And you know what she said?

Q: Ahem!
A: Oh, forgive my rambling. Please continue!

Q: Does being impaled with a stake through the heart kill you?
A: Of course it does! Try poking your heart with a stake and see what happens.

Q: What about garlic?
A: A friend of mine, Barley Mob is a farmer. He grows garlic in his backyard. Sells pretty well among vampires, but the side effects are terrible! Addiction and lung damage. Severe lung damage. Personally I hate the smell, so I don’t do garlic.

Q: Do crucifixes cause harm to vampires?
A: No! How do you think I pose as a priest in a church? Vampires aren’t very popular, so we have to hide. Ignore the fact that I’m on TV.

Q: Why do vampires – Hey! What are you doing?
A: Taking my gloves off, undoubtedly.

Q: Why?
A: This will be messy.

Q: Are you going to –
A: I’m afraid so. Do not struggle. It is futile.

Q: NO!
A: Calm down, please. You should have foreseen this.

Q: NO! LEAVE THAT POT PLANT ALONE!

Also, if you think there's a particular joke I should put it, don't hesitate to tell me.