To My Son

                                       To My Son
From the moment you were born
We were instantly connected
You opened up a part of me I never knew existed
I always thought about how it would be
How I would be as a father, responsible for another life besides mine
         
The moment you arrived, everything I had thought scared me
Because at that moment, it was now real
It was no longer a thought in my head but a reality
I was now a daddy to this little baby boy
Everything I had ever known was now about to change
         
I quickly grew comfortable with my new responsibility
I was no longer scared, I had changed into this person I never thought I could be
I cared for you; I loved to see the smile on your face when I bounced you on my knee
I read bedtime stories everynight, and gave you kisses every morning before work
Even while you slept

One morning everything changed for me when I went to give you that morning kiss
You were nine months old, I found you in your crib, and you were having a seizure
That very moment my heart stopped, that little boy I was so scared of before he arrived
Was now threatening to leave me, your mother held you on the bathroom floor and I called for help
The ambulance took you away and I followed in the car, all the while wondering what I would do if When I next saw you …that you would be gone from my life.

All I could think about was how much you had changed my life in such a short time
Months earlier I was terrified that I wouldn’t be a good dad, that I didn’t think I
Would not feel any bond with you, and now all I fear is that I will never hear you laugh, or cry. Or see that smile when we play. My heart was full of love and I was hurting like I had never hurt before

It took the doctors forty-five minutes to stop your seizure, and then several months to find out what really caused it to happen. In those months prior to your diagnosis you had multiple seizures causing your mother and I a lot of sadness and helplessness. We couldn’t take you anywhere, no one would babysit you in fear something would happen in their care. I did not care about any of that because you were still here with me. The son I found seizing in his crib was different than before but was still here


The doctors said you had epilepsy but we knew that wasn’t it, none of their treatment worked, the seizures were more violent as time passed, you would become paralyzed and unconscious, your face would droop to one side. These were not normal seizures. Through all of this you remained a treasure, you showed me how brave you were,  through all the poking and all of the doctors you stayed strong. We finally met a doctor that was willing to look further into your seizures. We urged him to operate to get a better look at what was happening inside your head. He agreed to do it. At age two you had brain surgery, again I was terrified, again I felt I could lose you.

Again you stayed strong and you came out of the surgery like the brave little man I had admired for so long, the doctor said you had a brain tumor, it was growing but he was able to get it all out. We waited for days to find out if it was cancer, to our relief it was not. You healed at a slow rate but you did heal. Three years later you have not had another seizure, we have enjoyed much more time together, and we no longer worry about taking you to places and do anything we want. We now feel very comfortable leaving you with a sitter so we can go out and be a husband and wife again.

The tumor did cause some long term damage, you were delayed in your development, and you were diagnosed with autism spectrum, but we do not care about any of that because you are here with us, and I no longer worry about whether I am a good dad anymore, I am no longer terrified if I could love you like I should because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me… you are my son and you have made me the best dad I could be even when I felt helpless and scared. The little boy that scared me before he was born had taught me to be brave and strong and for that I love you more than you know.

Daddy

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