CYOA: You are SBAllen - Part 2

ACT 1

Following the epic events of the first story, you find yourself relaxing calmly on a warm beach in the Bahamas. It's Memorial Day weekend and time for a vacation! Suddenly, the phone rings. The person on the other end says "Hello. Is this SBAllen?" You decide to pull a Rain and shout "No, this is CANCER!" into the phone. The person on the other end says "I know you decided to pull a Rain and shout 'No, this is CANCER!' into the phone. I'm not stupid, Tyner. We have an assignment for you. You're the only man for the job." "Call back later, I'm pleasuring myself," you say to the man. He laughs. "Sir, if you do what we ask, you'll get all the women you want." You're confused. "Why?" He responds in a hushed voice. "We want you to eliminate someone. And you've seen James Bond, right? Spies get all the chicks."

Like a true member of GameFAQs, you respond "No, I'm still pleasuring myself" and then end the call. Yet somehow, the man's voice continues. "Mr. Tyner, compliance is compulsory." "Then why did you bother asking me?" Suddenly, a helicopter lands next to you and several men in suits with sunglasses escort you to the chopper, pants still around your legs. Inside is a man, also in a suit with sunglasses, closing up a cellphone; presumably he was the one on the phone with you. He hands you a black folder with "TOP SECRET" written on top. You open it and see a photo of a young man. The agent speaks. "Mr. Tyner, I'm going to get right down to business. What do you know about Christopher Poole?" "I have no idea," you respond, wondering why you're still as solid as a 4chan member at an empty showing of Hannah Montana: The Movie despite having been in the helicopter for several minutes. "It's funny you should use that metaphor," the man says, "because we have evidence that suggests Mr. Poole is the real-life alias used by "Moot," the founder of 4chan." You gasp in shock. No one had ever seen the real Moot before, just people claiming to be him. "So will you do this for me? Will you terminate Moot?" the man asks in his best Colonel Campbell impression.

"Who the **** are you?" you ask, still confused and aroused at the same time. "My identity is unimportant," the man responds. "But will you take me up on my offer?" "I thought you said compliance was compusory?" you say, happy to use such big words in a sentence. "Ah yes, you're right," the man laughs. "You'll need a team to take Poole down, however. Who would you like as your second in command?" "I pick Hermiione," you say, hoping she'll become your girlfriend after your long journey and completely ignoring the legal ramifications of this decision. "Alright, she's down at the site now. ElvinKirby, Kassie, and BlueMonk will follow her orders, and she'll follow your's." You start to grin, and he cuts you off. "Only your orders pertaining to the mission. Here is an M4 Carbine. Do you know how to use it? Don't lie." "Of course I do," you lie. He hands you the rifle and you land on the side of a busy freeway. You see Hermiione standing nearby.

ACT 2

Hermiione approaches with a handgun. "Where's the target?" she asks. "And where are the others?" A black van arrives with ElvinKirby, BlueMonk, and Kassie inside. "Get in!" BlueMonk, the driver, shouts. You get in the back and suddenly hear machine gun fire. You pop out the sunroof and see an SUV with two suited men wearing Guy Fawkes masks sticking out of the sunroof with submachine guns. BlueMonk swerves your van into freeway traffic and the SUV follows. You start firing but the recoil is too much for your skinny arms. ElvinKirby (hereafter known as Evan) pops out of one of your van's windows with his own rifle and exhanges gunfire with the van. BlueMonk drives you into another lane so there are cars between you, but the Anon SUV shoots them up, sending cars flying. You decide to shoot at the driver of the SUV. You succeed! The driver falls limp and the SUV swerves into oncoming traffic, flips over the median, and crashes into half a dozen cars. Somehow, the two Anon shooters survive, shoot out the windshield and driver of an oncoming sports car, then hop in, turn it around, and give chase after your van. Suddenly, you hear the whirling blades of a helicopter in the distance.

You pop back into the van and see Hermiione saying something to BlueMonk as he drives. Becoming insanely jealous, you throw your gun aside and cover Kassie with your body. "I'll protect you!" Not missing a beat, Hermiione grabs your discarded weapon and starts shooting out the sunroof at the Anon killers. She hits one and he falls out into the road. You get annoyed and try to grab the gun back from her, starting an argument. "Will you kids shut up or I'll turn this car around!" BlueMonk shouts from the driver's seat. Suddenly, you see another masked character on an overpass, holding an RPG.

"Hey Evan! It's Regina Spektor!" you shout. He turns to look and you punch him in the face, grabbing his machine gun. You aim out the window and shoot the man right as he fires the RPG, causing him to fire in the wrong direction and hit a building. Several police cars and the helicopter, which belongs to the police, are approaching quickly. You decide to apologize to Hermiione and improve your chances of getting some later on. "I'm sorry for being a ****" you say. "Lol white knight" says Evan, laying on the floor of the van with a bruise on his forehead. Suddenly, one of the police cars is hit by an oncoming truck, causing it to spin out and slam your van. Everyone falls on top of each other. You lay awkwardly on Kassie and Hermiione until they both kick you off. Then you hear BlueMonk shout "I'm taking her off road!" You see BlueMonk steering the van towards a railing that seperates the road from the plains next to it.

Figuring BlueMonk knows what he's doing, you watch as he accelerates rapidly, then blasts through the guard rail. You look out the back window to see the railing flying over the roof of your van and smashing through the windshield of the sports car, killing the other Anon and causing a multi-car pileup. Several of the cop cars pull over while two of them pursue you off the road, with the chopper flying overhead. You can just barely make out a police sniper in the helicopter. "**** DA POLICE!" you shriek, popping out the sunroof and blowing your load of machine gun bullets on the two cop cars. They smash into each other and explode like a Michael Bay movie. Suddenly, a sniper bullet lodges itself into the roof a foot away from you. You duck back into the van and see BlueMonk trying to evade the chopper. Then you hear it--BANG!--and the sound of shattering glass as BlueMonk falls limp at the driver's seat. As the car swerves wildly, you pull BlueMonk into the back of the van and take the wheel. "He's bleeding pretty badly" says Kassie, examining the bullet wound in BlueMonk's shoulder. Sweating like a porn star, you hit the gas and speed back toward the road.

You speed through the plains, looking for anywhere to hide from the chopper. More sniper shots are piercing the van as BlueMonk fades in and out of consciousness in the back of the van. You're going nearly 90 miles per hour now. Suddenly you see a large boulder and swerve to avoid it, but the van nicks the side of the rock. You flip into the air, everything is spinning, you hear some explosions in the distance and have enough time to see one of the choppers inexplicably go flying into a cliff before the van hits the ground and everything goes black.

ACT 3

You wake up slowly in a dark room. Someone is standing nearby, checking what looks like a computer monitor. You pretend to be unconscious, laying on the soft bed. Suddenly the person speaks. "I know you're awake, silly." It's a woman's voice. "We're monitoring your heart rate. I can tell when you woke up." She sounds nice enough. She steps out of the shadow with a smile. Your jaw drops. She looks disturbingly familiar. "Hi. My name is Boxxy." Shocked at the appearance of this Internet legend, you scream like a little girl. Boxxy laughs her infamous Boxxy laugh. "Don't worry. We saw you being attacked by the police and came to save you. We're sorry about the mishap our two agents caused, but they wanted nudes of those two girls with you and...they went crazy." Your eyes widen. "You're with Anonymous?" She nods. Then, a man enters. You recognize him as none other than Christopher Poole--Moot. "Hello, Allen. I'm Chris."

You decide to hear him out. He comes and sits next to your bed. "I'm sure you've heard many bad things about me, Allen," he begins, "but I'm not a bad person. I don't even really run 4chan anymore. Instead, I've been working on something very important here at my fortress. Would you like to see what it is? Or would you like to stay and rest awhile? Your friends are fine, by the way. They're resting up too." You're about to agree when you see Boxxy wink at you seductively. Now you're not so sure..."No thanks. I'm awfully tired," you say, eyeing up Boxxy as Moot nods. "No problem, Allen. We can wait until tomorrow morning. You rest up. Boxxy here will get you anything you need. See you tomorrow." Then he walks out of the room. Boxxy giggles at you and turns down the lights, climbing on top of you. You get a nervous grin on your handsome SBAllen face when she whispers something in your ear: "Later." Then she gets off and walks out of the room with a wink. You lay there dumbfounded before falling asleep.

The next morning, you're awoken to Moot opening the door. "How are you feeling, Allen?" You grumble something about being okay. "Would you like to come my big project now?" You agree to go with Moot. As you walk down the clean, wide hallways, you see many men in suits with Guy Fawkes masks working on projects. You arrive at a heavy green metal door that looks like one of those sliding doors from GoldenEye. Moot enters a keycard and it opens, just like one of those sliding doors from GoldenEye. However, inside is something amazing, unlike one of those sliding doors from GoldenEye. It's a large sphere with energy rippling along its surface. "This, Allen, is my pride and joy," Moot says. "It's been under construction for five years, and is nearly complete. It's a focused energy bomb. When complete, I shall use it against all enemies of 4chan." You walk off down the hallway and find a lunch room where a bandaged BlueMonk, Kassie, and Hermiione are eating. You sit down at the table and tell them "I promised I wouldn't pull a Libby and abandon you guys." Kassie says "Are you implying I was in a mental institution?" Hermiione says "Are you implying I make out with fat men?" BlueMonk says "Are you implying I got shot? Ohwait."

"Moot showed me a device he built. It's a focused energy bomb designed to kill enemies of 4chan." BlueMonk speaks up. "Don't forget we're here to kill Moot." But Kassie and Hermiione shake their heads. "They helped us out. We should help them too." Becoming guilt-ridden about keeping your mission a secret, you approach Moot as he is eating. "Moot...I have a confession. A man in a suit kidnapped me while I was touching myself and told me to kill you." Moot laughs. "I know, Allen. That's why I showed you hospitality. I wanted you to know we're not bad people. Unlike the man who hired you." You realize you still don't know who hired you in the first place. Still confused, you ask "Who exactly is it that hired me? And how do you even know about that?" "Well, we have a spy in their organization. But the man who hired you is named Geoff, and he's very dangerous. We're old enemies." Happy with this explanation, you go back to your room. You decide that, since the room is dark and nobody's around, you'll let out all that tension from last night with Boxxy. But no sooner have you dropped your pants and started raising the rocket than Boxxy herself bursts in the door. She stares at your Saturn V for a few seconds before giggling. Then she shut the door behind her, entered the launch pad, and activated the boosters. You are very pleased and you fall asleep together. Mission success!

ACT 4

It's been a week since you, BlueMonk, Evan, Kassie, and Hermiione came to 4chan headquarters. You've all assimilated well into life with Anonymous and you've completely forgotten about your original mission to kill Moot. But then everything changes when you receive a package in the mail. It's an unmarked brown box. You decide to open the package right there. The only thing contained is a note, which reads: "Were you successful, Mr. Allen? Don't forget the hot women you'll get as a reward." Since you're already launching baby missiles into Boxxy's cargo bays, you figure that reward is irrelevant. Without thinking, you grab the note and shove it down your throat. "Om nom nom!" you yell. Moot comes into the room and notices the package. You tell him there was a candy bar inside, sent to you by your mommy. He buys the excuse. However, you suddenly remember you still have no idea what "targets" Moot intends to use to focused energy bomb against.

You go up to Moot and ask him about the targets he intends to use the focused energy bomb against. "Well, you know, places like epilepsy forums, Scientology..." As he rattles off the list, you don't hear GameFAQs. You breathe a sigh of relief for your people. Then you get a phone call. "Allen, time is running out," says the unmistakable voice of "Geoff." "What happens when time runs out?" you ask over the phone. "Geoff" just laughs. "You don't even want to know. But it will be catastrophic. Now tell me, Allen. Did you see what he's creating?" "Moot is making a gigantic male genitalia" you say, not using that exact choice of words. "Geoff" just chuckles again. "That Moot, always working on another immature prank. Well, I'll leave you to your mission. This phone will self-destruct in five, four, three, two--" You chuck the phone against the wall, then hear "Geoff" laughing. "Jay kay, jay kay, just dispose of the phone, please." You throw the phone out the window and walk into BlueMonk's room, where you find him loading a rifle. "Allen, it's time," BlueMonk says. "We need to get rid of Moot. Remember the mission."

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, BlueMonk," you say slowly as he loads his weapon. BlueMonk stops. "Why? We're here to kill Moot, remember? We have to destroy this entire compound. Moot, the bomb, Boxxy--" Upon hearing the name of your **** buddy, you lunge, snapping the rifle from his hands and beating him with it. As he gets up, you knee him in the face, then whack him across the back of the head with the rifle, knocking him out. As you regain your composure, you realize you're in deep ****. You decide to tattle on BlueMonk to Moot. "BlueMonk is loading a weapon and trying to kill you but I knocked him out and hid him in a closet." Moot laughs. "Well, obviously. After all, he does want to complete your mission." You're shocked. "You know about the mission?" "Of course I do, Allen. But I trust you. We must capture Kassie, Evan, and Hermiione and lock them up with BlueMonk. Geoff's forces are coming. Take up defensive positions."

Realizing your horrible mistake, you flee the room, claiming you're going to go get in a defensive position. However, you actually find Kassie, Evan, and Hermiione. "Listen guys, I want you to get out of here now." "Where's BlueMonk?" asks Hermiione. "Forget him, he's staying here with me. But I don't want you guys to get hurt." They don't look like they're buying your story, especially as dozens of Guy Fawkes mask-clad men run by with weapons. Suddenly, BlueMonk bursts into the room--and his gun is pointed at Boxxy's head. "Don't move, you traitor!" shouts BlueMonk. Just then, the doorbell rings. Everyone freezes. An Anon grun opens the door and is subsequently launched back several feet by a shotgun blast; blood is everywhere. Standing in the doorway is Alucard188, a shotgun in one hand and a pissed off look on his face.

ACT 5

"Hello, Allen," Alucard says, businesslike. "Let's get started." Realizing this is going nowhere, you lunge out and smack an Anon grunt. BlueMonk just shoots him. A firefight breaks out and Boxxy breaks away from him. You and Boxxy hide behind a wall as BlueMonk, Evan, Kassie, and Hermiione exchange gunfire with the Anon grunts. Alucard appears before you and raises his gun. You swing your foot out and kick him in the shin, then disarm him. "Dammit Allen, snap out of it!" Alucard yells, "We have to kill Moot! He's going to destroy GameFAQs!" Upon hearing this shocking fact, your face screws up. Then you grab a rifle and shoot an Anon henchman. Everyone falls silent and stares at you. "Let's do this, *****es," you whisper before wildly opening fire on every mask-wearing person in the room. Boxxy sneaks away as bullets streak across the room. As you fire on the Anon soldiers, you notice Boxxy sneaking away and race after her. She turns to you angrily. "How could you do this to me Allen?" she says, "I thought we were **** buddies!" "Come to our side Boxxy," you plead. She starts crying and hugs you warmly, sobbing into your shoulder. Then you hear a soft "shiiiink" noise. You quickly dodge to the side, but the knife in Boxxy's hand digs into your side. You stumble away from her as she casually aims the knife at your neck. "I knew you were a liability," she growls. Right as she swings, Hermiione jumps in from the side, tackling her and sending the knife flying. Boxxy draws a long sword and swings it menacingly. To your surprise, Hermiione draws a blade as well.

You run back to the main room, hearing the sounds of sword fighting in the background. "Come on guys, let's get out of here!" you yell to Evan and Kassie, who have the newly freed BlueMonk with them. You all run toward the exit when Hermiione comes crashing through the wall, followed by Boxxy. Hermiione kicks Boxxy in the face, then tries to stab her, but Boxxy kicks the sword away. Hermiione catches it out of midair and their duel continues. BlueMonk starts hotwiring a jeep and you all pile in. Suddenly, you see Alucard cornered by some Anon grunts. You open fire on the Anon guards and they drop dead. Alucard runs over to your group. BlueMonk jumps in the driver's seat, Kassie and Hermiione pile in the back, and Evan and Alucard grab weapons and aim out the windows. You pop out the sunroof with a rifle. BlueMonk tears the jeep down the road away from the fortress, but suddenly you hear cars behind you. As you speed down the road, you shoot at the tires on one of the cars, sending it spiraling into the other and they explode in a massive blast. You all drive a little slower as you approach the freeway safe from harm...until a helicopter appears and fires a missile and everything goes black. When you wake up, BlueMonk is gesturing to a Peterbilt truck with flame decals being driven by a young woman. "Come with me if you want to live. My name is Summer Glau," the young woman says. In the presence of the beautiful Summer, you faint. When you regain consciousness, you're being pushed in the back of the Peterbilt truck with Evan, Kassie, and Hermiione. Summer takes the wheel and BlueMonk hops in the passenger seat, bragging about his nonexistant accomplishments. Suddenly, you see a giant tank driving towards you. "Hang on guys!" Summer yells and the truck drives into the freeway at an unusually high speed.

As the truck speeds down the freeway, you "accidentally" fall on top of Kassie. She gives you a look and pushes you off. "Oh help, I'm falling everywhere!" you say in a voice that isn't even trying to be convincing. You then fall on Hermiione, who shoves you against the wall. You figure it's because she's hot for you. Then you "stumble" onto Evan, and he makes no move to get you off. You feel something hard pressing against you. "Dude, you're pinning my rifle against me, move," Evan says, and you quickly move aside. Suddenly, the truck is spun into another lane by a rocket blast from the giant Anon tank. You wonder why your body feels this way after rubbing against Evan. But you don't have long to ponder this fact before another missile from the tank causes the Peterbilt truck to flip and crash. Everyone piles out as the tank drives up alongside you. Moot and Boxxy jump out of the tank, weapons drawn. Suddenly, a loud rumbling noise fills the air. The Peterbilt truck starts shapeshifting, then stands up to reveal Optimus ****ing Prime. "PRIIIME!" the tank shouts as it morphs into Megatron. Megatron swings his fist at Optimus, who stands his ground and says in his epic Peter Cullen voice: "It's on like Donkey Kong!" You decide to stay and watch the epic battle. Optimus jumps into the air and kicks Megatron across the freeway. Megatron crashes into the median, then stands up and decks Optimus across the face. Then he delivers a swift kick to Optimus's chest, sending him stumbling backward into an overpass. The overpass collapses on top of him and cars go everywhere. Megatron approaches, and Optimus jumps out and smacks him in the head with both of his hands.

You hurry over to a conveniently placed military van which has been toppled over by the battle. Inside is a rocket launcher with a single RPG. You aim and fire at Megatron, getting a direct hit on the back of his head. He stumbles away long enough for Optimus to roundhouse kick him across the face and then punch him over the side of the freeway into the fields below. Optimus transforms back into a truck, and you all pile in again. He starts speeding off down the road as Megatron jumps up onto the road and starts running after you. Realizing that you've lured Anonymous away from 4chan headquarters, you tell Summer to turn Optimus around and drive back to the base to destroy the focused energy bomb. Optimus starts driving along the rocky fields toward the fortress. You hear Megatron transform back into a tank and speed along behind you. Suddenly, the doors open and everyone--you, Summer, BlueMonk, Evan, Kassie, Hermiione, and Alucard--get kicked out as Optimus transforms and smacks the tank. As the tank flies through the air, it transforms back into Megatron and swoops down to kick Optimus in the chest. You and your friends run into the fortress as the two Transformers fight.

ACT 6

As you enter the base, you hear a familiar voice behind you. "Hello, Allen. It's good to see you." The suited man, "Geoff," walks up to you. Suddenly, his face morphs off to reveal...Jeff "CJayC" Veasey. Remembering that CJayC is your evil archenemy, you deck him in the face. You start to move to punch him again, but Alucard holds you back. "Ceej is on our side now," he says. "How is that possible?" you yell, "he killed a bunch of our friends!" "Yes, but now he needs to team up with us to defeat 4chan or they'll destroy GameFAQs with their bomb!" Alucard continues. Ceej nods. "I understand if you don't trust me, Allen, but we need to set aside our differences to save GameFAQs." You decide to go off and find the bomb. You run off down the hallway to the room where you remember the bomb being, but it isn't there. "Allen, you're too late to destroy it here. The bomb has already been airlifted to the cliff overlooking GameFAQs headquarters. We need to leave now." Suddenly Megatron comes crashing through the ceiling with Optimus standing overhead. Optimus raises his sword from his arm and stabs Megatron through the face. "There can only be one!" Optimus roars. Then you and your allies all hop onto Optimus's shoulders. As you arrive at the cliff, you see Moot and Boxxy preparing the bomb.

You figure the best course of action is to simply destroy the bomb. Sneaking up behind Moot, you smack him in the head and grab the controls, looking for a way to disable it. Your allies enter GameFAQs to warn everyone to escape. Boxxy unsheathes her sword and swings it at you, nearly taking your head off. She flips you over and pins you to the ground. "Any last words, Allen?" she asks as she raises the sword. Suddenly, a huge shadow falls over you and Boxxy and a deep voice speaks. "You ever wonder what the bottom of Optimus Prime's shoe looks like?" You roll aside as Boxxy looks up in time to see Optimus's foot come crashing down on top of her. "Well BAM! There it is!" Optimus roars as he removes his foot, revealing only a Boxxy-shaped stain on the cliff. Suddenly, Moot raises a large weapon and fires, electrocuting Optimus and causing him to fall off the cliff, getting knocked out cold. You lunge for the bomb and press the "deactivate" button. But Moot just laughs. "You're too late, Allen. I did it thirty-five seconds ago!" The bomb starts glowing and sending electrical sparks down towards GameFAQs. You start pressing buttons rapidly. Moot draws his own sword and grins. Moot swings his sword and slashes you across the back, sending you staggering away from the bomb as electricity arcs from its surface. He tries to stab you but you kick him in the shin and stand up again. You see Kassie, Hermiione, BlueMonk, Summer, Alucard, and Ceej evacuating people from the GameFAQs headquarters.

You decide to be a hero and lunge for Moot's sword, grabbing it and grappling with him as the bomb starts making loud noises and blasting away chunks of GameFAQs headquarters with electricity. You shove forward and both you and Moot fall over the edge; the sword catches on a branch and somehow sustains both your weights as you hang on. "Just let go Allen! I've already won!" Moot screams as he tries to kick you away. Suddenly, Ceej appears above you and pulls you up. Then he grabs the bomb, getting shocked as he does. He starts pushing it towards the edge of the cliff, where a river flows beneath. You realize Ceej is magnetically stuck to the bomb. "I have to redeem myself for my wrongdoings, Allen," Ceej says. You turn your back to him and grab Moot as he lunges towards you. Seemingly in slow motion, Ceej and the bomb fall heroically over the side, electricity arcing everywhere. You and Moot run to edge to see both the bomb and Ceej fall into the river, creating a huge, but nullified, blast that vaporizes part of the cliff. Moot stares at you, enraged. You lunge forward as lightning strikes the cliff and epic music plays. "Spare me!" Moot yells. "I took you in! I helped save you!" "No, you used me," you growl. He looks terrified. "This is blasphemy. This is madness!" You raise your voice dramatically. "Madness? THIS! IS! GAMEFAQS!" And with that, you kick him off the cliff and he falls hundreds of feet to his death.

EPILOGUE

In the aftermath, BlueMonk and Summer got married. Kassie and Evan decided to try and patch up their differences. And you and Hermiione finally got that romantic night alone...browsing GameFAQs, of course! The threat of 4chan had been removed, and GameFAQs was safe once again.

But somewhere, a new foe had his eye on not only the Internet...but the whole world!