A brief guide to the deliciously dangerous
world of malt liquor. |
How to be a Cheap Drunk
So you want to get shitfaced but you just don't have enough for that 6-pack of Natural Light. Sounds like a typical Tuesday afternoon, right? Well, if you're really strapped for cash, there's a way to get all of the alcohol in that delicious, delicious 6-pack for about half the price. The answer to all your problems lies in a big, 40 ounce bottle. Wegmans at Mt. Hope sells a variety of malt liquors, each with optional paper bag for maximum 40-drinkin' experience. Here's a short rundown of what they have: Colt 45- The champagne of malt liquor. This stuff doesn't come cheap, at 2.19 a bottle, but sometimes you have to live the high life. Plus, Lando Calrisian a.ka. Billy Dee Williams drinks this stuff. He destroyed the Death Star, and let's face it, the man knows his 401s. Magnum- I like this one. It tastes like a gunfight in my body. BANG! Rumors that Magnum will make you sterile are probably unfounded, but it might explain the low 1.49 price tag. So if you like no-nonsense malt liquor, and you don't mind shooting blanks, give this one a try. Hurricane- The malt liquor for lovers. This combines a nice dry flavor with a rich surprising sweetness. Fire up the candles, put on some Barry White, and share it with a loved one. A steal at 1.59 a bottle. Schlitz's- 1.89 a bottle. According to historians, this was George Washington's favorite malt liquor, and it's mine too. In a blind taste test, this one beat Coke, Pepsi, and Mello Yello, losing only to Yoo-Hoo in the finals. Words can't describe the succulence of Schlitz's. Go out and try some now! So good luck. Remember that this is not set in stone, and all tastes are subjective. So experiment for yourself, and most importantly, just have fun with it. Happy drinkin'! P.S. According to the surgeon general, the best time for drinkin' 40's is A) while driving a car and B) when you're pregnant. |