Adult Children

The phrase Adult Children was initially coined by people within the field of chemical dependency treatment.  Originally it was Adult Children of Alcoholics and an organization was formed with the same name.  However, within the field of chemical dependency, addiction, and mental health treatment the term has broadened to signify an adult who grew up in what is called a dysfunctional family.  The things that dysfunction a family are any type of addictive behavior (alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, food addiction, gambling addiction etc.), chronic mental illness, abuse (physical, sexual, emotional), neglect, abandonment as a result of death or divorce, codependency, poor boundaries, chronic physical illness or disability, or violence.  Basically any behaviors that shame a child and/or make them feel guilty.  Children at an early age are what are called egocentric meaning that they think the world revolves around them but not in an egoistical way.  An example would be a child who feels responsible for a parent’s drinking or death.  Such a child might think “if only I had been a good kid my daddy/mommy wouldn’t drink”.  Because of the child lacks the needed support and positive role models they do not successfully accomplish critical development tasks this leads to dysfunctional/irrational core beliefs and this then gives rise to certain core issues which make adult relationships nearly impossible.  These core beliefs and core issues also result in the individuals becoming more vulnerable to certain emotional, physical, and spiritual problems.
One of these core issues is control.  The individual who grew up in any type of dysfunctional home is prone to develop a fear of losing control.  Because the person has such a strong fear of losing control of their emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions, or in relationships they develop defense mechanisms such as denial or suppression to maintain control of their internal thoughts and emotions so that they can control their outward actions and emotions.  This makes maintaining healthy relationships extremely difficult because the Adult Child has to neither become so rigid and guarded in their behavior that they cannot be spontaneous nor have fun.  They also tend to overreact when things change for example changes in work related plans or family plans tend to cause angry outburst.
Another issue is trust.  The earliest developmental task of an individual is that of basic trust versus mistrust.  If the child does not have the necessary nurturing of a loving and caring parent or caregiver who is available both physically and emotionally it is difficult for them to develop trust.  Also being raised in the chaotic environment of a dysfunctional family causes the individual to even mistrust their own perceptions.  Since they can not trust people in relationships they are again overly vigilant and suspicious.
The third issue is the avoidance of feelings.  In a dysfunctional family a child’s expression of feelings are typically met with censure, disapproval, anger, and/or rejection.  Therefore they are taught at an early age to hide their feelings least they be criticized or belittled.  Hiding feelings leads to repressing, denying, or minimizing the feelings which in turn makes expression of true feelings in relationships impossible.
The fourth issue is over responsibility.  Children growing up in dysfunctional families are either overly responsible or overly irresponsible.  Adult Children come to believe that they are responsible for what is happening in their family.  They grow up believing that their actions cause another person’s emotions and actions.  Therefore they may become overly responsible in an effort to control the dysfunction or overly irresponsible because all of their efforts to control the dysfunction in the past have failed.
The fifth and most devastating issue is that they Adult Child ignore their own needs.  This maybe because their needs always to a back seat to the dysfunction or because their needs made them feel weak and vulnerable.  They may also feel that if someone else had met their needs then they would be forever indebted to that person.
According to the many twelve step programs in order for an individual who has become emotionally, physically, spiritually unhealthy as a result of growing up in some form of dysfunctional family the way to begin to heal is to become healthy spiritually and then the emotional and physical health will also improve.  So what are some things that a person might do to improve spiritually? The following are seven actions to help improve spirituality.
1.          Personal prayer and/or meditation – spend quiet time on a daily basis for personal renewal through some form of prayer and/or meditation.
2.          Spend time in some group activity – this can be a church, community, work group but this enhances the individual’s ability to develop relationships with other people.
3.          Expand your mind through learning – begin to spend some time learning through taking classes, book study group, self-help or mental health material, new skill or hobby.
4.          Take time for yourself – take a personal retreat to indulge yourself in some quiet time away from family and work to renew your spirit and recharge your batteries.
5.          Engage in regular physical fitness and eating a proper diet – it is helpful to take care of you.
6.          Have fun – engage in some activity just for the pure enjoyment, and make time to actively do this activity/or activities.
7.          Help others/be of service – do some volunteer work or engage in some acts of kindness.