A CHILD'S CRY

As a young child growing up on the family farm I worshiped my Father. I was a farm kid through and through feeling a kinship with the land. Although life on the farm was lonely I loved life there and was happy. I spent a great deal of time with my Dad and was the most like him of his three kids. My connection to the farm and him were solid and meant the world to me.

When I turned twelve my world came crashing in. My Mother a stay at home Mom decided to leave my Father. I loved my Dad more than anything and given the choice I chose to remain with him on the farm. Beyond this I couldn't bare to leave the farm. So it was that I came home one day from school and my Mom was gone taking my younger brother and sister with her. I calmly took stock of what was left in the house. The house was so quiet without my siblings but I felt that my Dad and I would be fine. With my Mother gone my Dad flew into a spending spree. My Mother had always held the purse strings with a iron fist. Dad spent a ton of money over a single weekend. I remember being worried about the amount of money he spent. This was to be my first true warning of my Dad's destructive nature. For a while after this things seemed to settle down and life returned to normal.

Than one day I was getting ready to go out to the barn to feed my 4H steers. I was getting ready to pull on my boots and my Dad asked me to sit in his lap while I put them on which I did. He than pulled me back and fondled my breast and crotch. I pulled away from him in shock and ran out to the barn where I wept into my Steer's neck. I was devastated by his actions my trust in him shattered in one terrible moment. I considered calling my Mom to come get me but in the end I couldn't bear to leave the farm. I don't know how long I wandered around our pasture feeling lost before my Dad finally came out to apologize. He promised it would never happen again and hugged me but something froze up inside me. After that I lived in fear of my Dad and being molested again. I stayed away from him and convinced myself that it wouldn't happen again. Life moved forward as darkness closed in around me. I was a frighted child curling into myself thoughts of suicide hovered around me. I spent a lot of time up at my Grandparents house because I felt safe there. I spent as little time as possible with my Dad alone. This in itself hurt as I had always been my Dad's shadow. Months went by and I lived on the ragged edge. Than one day my Dad decides he wants us to away for the weekend and stay at a hotel. I nearly choke on my fear of what could happen if I'm couped up in a small hotel room with him. I tried to get out of going claiming I had a new 4H steer to care for but my Dad was insistent. Later that day I talked to my little brother on the phone and he proceeded to tell me he loved me. Something in me snapped and all my fear, hurt and confusion exploded to the surface and I started crying. I asked to speak with Mom and I told her the terrible truth. I'll never forget what she said to me. "I was afraid this would happen." Later I would learn that some of the things my Dad did to her in the marital bed left her feeling dirty. My Mom drove down that day and packed me up. As I left the only home I had ever known my Dad sat crying at the kitchen table and my heart ached over the fact that I was hurting him. I didn't want to hurt him but I couldn't live in fear anymore.

The rest of my family's reaction would go on to scar me further. No one believed that my Dad would ever molest him. Everyone liked my Dad and thought he was an upstanding citizen. So it was generally believed that I was screwed up in the head. The police got involved but I refused to press charges against my Dad. I couldn't bare to see him jailed. Instead my abuse charges were drug into my parent's knock down dirty divorce. My Dad and I were ordered to attend counseling and Dad was not to have unsupervised visits with us kids. Which pretty much meant not being able to visit the farm. I only got to visit the farm once where I stayed at my Grandparents. I was informed by said Grandparents that they would not stand between me and my Father. So I was no longer able to visit my beloved farm. It was a literal death sentence for me. My beloved dog Princess remained on the farm and I couldn't visit her. She was hit and killed a couple years later with me never having got to see her again. In the end as I entered high school I had to make a hard decision. I could either stay with my Dad on visits to the farm or I would never again see the farm. In the end I decided to stay with my Dad. I started visiting the farm once again and eventually started spending my summers there. Dad and I did attend Counseling sessions but my Dad refused to admit he did anything wrong and we didn't discuss the abuse. Once my Mom learned the abuse wasn't being addressed she pulled me out of the sessions.

Time passed and I grew more and more depressed. I was all alone in my battle against the darkness. After all no one believed me. Not even my beloved Grandmother that I adored believed in me. She liked my Dad and awful lot and thought highly of him. It's a lonely path to wander when everyone sides with the abuser. My Mother had by this point come to resent me and considered me a trouble maker. She would fly into angry rages and beat me. I've never feared anyone the way I feared my mother. She was brutal with both her fists and her words and I was her primary target. The child in me withdrew cowering in a dark corner away from the painful abuse. I had no where to go as I could trust neither parent. Finally the darkness closed over me completely and I took an overdose of my grandmother's pills while I was at school. I chickened out and told my teacher what I had done. The EMT's were called and I was rushed to the hospital. After my stomach was pumped a shrink convinced me to voluntarily enter the juvenile psych ward. I spent ten terrifying days in that place and learned two very valuable lessons don't cry out for help because they lock you up. And that I as the victim was locked away but my Father never lost even a day of freedom. Although he was greatly embarrassed about having a child in the nut house. After this experience I kept my mouth shut and decided I was on my own. I pulled myself up by the boot strings and trudged on. My suicide attempt did get my Mom to back off of me for a while allowing me time to come to terms with my life and for a while my life returned to normal.

Time passed and I became more comfortable with my Dad. He left me alone and there were no more incidents. Than when I was about seventeen we were waiting for a farm truck to be repaired at a repair shop. My Dad was sitting on the driver's side of his pickup with door opened. When I came around the pick up to where he was sitting he pulled me close and held me in the same way you see men holding their girlfriends close. I froze up once again inside knowing that the way he was holding me was all wrong. I made some excuse and was able to pull away from him before he tried anything else. What little trust in him I had regained was once again shattered.

Halfway through my Junior year my Dad presented me with a sports car that was supposed to be an early graduation present. You see my Dad felt guilty over his actions so he was always buying me stuff to make up for it. The car a red 1989 GTU Beretta was a dream come true. I was free at last or so I thought. My Mom saw red over the car as I was now driving a nicer car than her. She didn't like the fact that I had the freedom to go where I wanted. Not that I went anywhere bad. Truth was I had no friends my age and had never been allowed to participate in school sports. I drove the car to and from school and over to my Grandmother's apartment. This of course rubbed Mom the wrong way as she was feuding with her mother. The thing with my Mother is she doesn't tell you when something is ticking her off. She let's things build up over a period of months and than out of the blue blows her stack.

Which is what happened I came home one evening after visiting my Grandma to find her packing my stuff up. I was eighteen and had six weeks left in my junior year of high school. She proceeded to kick me out of her apartment. I had no where to go and didn't want to move back to the farm fearing what would befall me under my Dad's roof. Lucky for me my Grandmother took me in. She had to get special permission from her Senior housing for me to stay with her.
Things were good for me at my Grandma's. I was finally in an abuse free environment where I was loved. I only wish I could have stayed there until I finished high school. Things would have been much different for me I think.

Of course that wasn't in the cards. When school let out for the summer I moved in with my Dad and life took a terrible turn once again. My cousin Jennifer who lived up the road from my Dad started spending a lot of time with me at my Dad's place. She and I had become close after my Mom left and she was like another sister to me. We had been inseparable while I lived with my Dad after Mom left. When I returned to spend the summer with my Dad she spent nearly every night with me at my Dad's. She slept on the floor of my room on couch cushions. She came from an abusive home as well and never wanted to go home. I should have known better than to allow her to stay but I was eighteen and felt I could take care of her. I tried to stay with her at all times but I had to shower and go to the bathroom. I didn't take long showers but it apparently allowed Dad the window he needed. Jennifer didn't say anything to me about it so I was in the dark for a while. Summer passed by quickly as I worked harvest on farm. We spent the weekends down at the river. Jennifer was always with us and even went with us on a couple camping trips to the river. I still didn't want to live on the farm as I didn't trust my Dad. So I made arrangements to stay with my Mom's former apartment Manager who i had become friends with. She to had been molested and she understood me in away that none of my family had. Staying with her was a hassle as I had to make a hour long commute out to my High School but I was determined to stay at the same high school. At this point school was the only stability I had. Although she was a friend it still proved to be an awkward living situation. School started up and a couple weeks later I attended a Wedding with my Dad. My cousin Jennifer, and my brother and sister attended the Wedding with us. The Wedding was fun but the trip home started me on the road into a hell I would never recover from. My Dad had had booze at the Wedding so he wanted me to drive. Than out of the blue he decides to sit in the back seat with Jennifer and my sister. My Dad has never sat in a back seat willingly. So I knew something was up. We piled into the car and headed back to the Farm which was a couple hours away. We had been driving for a little while when a chill ran up and down my spine and I realized my Dad was messing with my fourteen year old cousin. I didn't look back I just stared straight ahead and pretended it wasn't happening. My fourteen year old sister was forced to watch her Dad messing with her cousin right next to her. Jennifer never said a word just sat their quietly. Unlike me Jennifer allowed his abuse and was the perfect victim. I realized Jennifer was the reason he left me alone. He had moved on to another victim. Something withered and died in me that night as I sat in denial. I didn't pull over and yank my cousin out of that car. I didn't protect my Sister from witnessing perverted actions that would forever scar her. I just drove home in a blind daze. My little brother that sat next to me in the passenger seat was the only one totally oblivious. I don't know how I knew because I sure as hell never looked back. But a inner sixth sense alerted me loud and clear to what was happening in that car. It was the longest trip I have ever made. I should have protected my cousin and banished her from my Dad's house. I knew first hand what it felt like to be abused and I was allowing it to happen to my cousin. I was allowing her to be robbed of her childhood, but the cringing child inside of me refused to face it and even more selfish considered the fact that is he was abusing Jennifer he would leave me alone. Somehow I managed to get us home even though apart of me screamed out that I should just crash the car.

I spent my Christmas break at my Dad's house. I decided to have a New Year's party at my Dad's and invited a couple friend's. My Dad bought a bottle of Champagne for me to have for New Year's. He liked to encourage under age drinking and was always supplying me with booze. My Dad went to a party in town and while he was gone I was looking through his dresser for the hand gun he kept there. Instead of the gun I found women's panties and some Polaroids of my Dad posing in the panties with his penis and balls tucked between his legs. There were also shots of his penis. Yet another part of me withered and died. I was so upset I got drunk and stumbled around crying. My cousin tried to comfort me and never said a word about the fact that Dad was abusing her. I went back to school and tried to block what I had found out of my mind. Once again I was riding the ragged edge.

While I was looking for the number of a pizza place in my friends papers I came across some papers she had written about me analyzing my life. I of course got pissed and decided to get back at her by analyzing her life in the journal I kept. Much to my horror her daughter Rani found my journal and seeing her Mom's name took the journal to her to read. I hadn't been kind when analyzing her life and mistakes of which there were plenty. So once again I was tossed out on my butt. I still had half a year left in my Senior year of High School. Having screwed myself out of a safe place to live I was forced to return to my Dad's house. At first everything was ok and I settled into Lacrosse High School without a problem. It helped that I had gone to school with my other classmates until sixth grade. I was welcomed with open arms and accepted in a way I had never been accepted at my old school. The Lacrosse Senior class was very close knit and I made a lot of good memories with them. My Dad played the supportive Father and we went to all the school games and activities together. Everything seemed to be going well.

My cousin Jennifer of course wasn't doing well. She was in trouble at school and as a result was not popular and was banned from the inner circle. My being accepted into the inner circle where she couldn't follow was the last straw for her. About a month after I moved to Lacrosse Jennifer contacted the Whitman County Sherriff department a filed charges against my Dad. After which she told me about the abuse she had endured from my Dad. It was much worse than even I had feared. My Dad had in fact been having a sexual relationship with her since she was fourteen. When she started going through the sheets at my Dad's house looking for cum stains that would prove her case something unraveled in me. My whole world was caving in on me and once again I chose self preservation over protecting my cousin. All I could think was what would happen to me if my Dad went to jail. I had no where else to go. When Dad learned about the charges facing him he threatened to kill himself and I arrived at school nearly hysterical with worry. Our neighbor from up the road who had befriended Jennifer and I sent her husband to check on my Dad. In retrospect I should have realized he was to selfish to kill himself. I was living in hell pretending everything was normal while a police investigation hung over my head. Dad of course wanted me to speak in his defense. I was sent along with his attorney to speak with the Detectives investigating the case. I was a nervous wreck but was able to answer their questions. I had never actually seen my Dad touch Jennifer as I had refused to look in the back seat of that car. So I couldn't tell them anything and I didn't volunteer information about his abuse of me. I went on to selfishly deal out a blow that would cripple my cousin's case. I gave the detectives a letter Jennifer had wrote to me months earlier denying that my Father was abusing her. The letter I provided and the fact that Jennifer had made false accusations about her band Teacher closed out the case against my Dad. Jennifer flew into a rage at school when she learned what I had done. I was devastated and to protect Jennifer banished her from my life. After all it was my fault. I never should have let her stay at my Dad's house.

We didn't speak for several months but were drawn back together. After all only we understood what it was like to live with abuse. I mistakenly thought we could put the entire mess aside and be friends once again. I would just make certain Dad had no opportunity to abuse her further. So I met her away from my Dad's house. We got into another fight shortly before graduation when I learned from my neighbor Jennifer was still trying to pursue a case against my Dad. The problem was she couldn't find one credible witness to back her up. Jennifer attended my graduation party but we were soon fighting again. As harvest rolled around we once again started talking and Jennifer eventually gave up her fight to have my Dad sent to jail.

I moved away to start college at SCC but Dad's relationship with Jennifer continued to eat away at me. I soon learned that despite my efforts to keep Jennifer from being further harmed by my Dad she was going behind my back to see my Dad and the affair continued. I couldn't take the stress and bailed out of college. Where things continued to get worse. I started drinking and taking prescription drugs to dull the pain. I developed a crush on my Dad's neighbor's son and started pursuing him. Knowledge of my Dad's continued sexual relationship with our cousin pushed me slowly over the edge. My crush got married but the pursuit of him didn't end because now he was safe. I didn't have to worry about catching him because I certainly didn't want an intimate relationship with any male. Still something in me was desperate for love. I continued to spiral out of control my behavior becoming more and more irractic. I just couldn't deal with my Dad's relationship with Jennifer and I couldn't seem to pull Jennifer out of it. On the night of my twenty-first birthday I went into the tavern and got drunk. Jennifer came and got me and drove me home. She managed to get my drunken ass into the house and onto the sofa. She had school the next day so she left to go home. That's when Dad started touching and there was nothing I could do but lay their I was to drunk to move. Eventually he hauled me to my bed and I passed out. I guess I should count my lucky stars that he didn't rape me or if he did I don't remember it because I passed out. The next day I cried to Jennifer about it and she said that she had been afraid that was going to happen. This happened a couple times to me. I learned to make sure I wasn't alone if I was planning on getting drunk. I was living in hell surrounded by darkness. I confess to finding myself out on road ways and not remembering how I got their. Once Jennifer turned eighteen Dad started an open relationship with her. Now he was touching her in front of me and openly sleeping with her. I completely snapped. I no longer cared about anything and set out to destroy myself. Hell I even looked forward to being jailed for my actions because it would get me away from the hell I was living through in my Dad's house. I did try to get away a couple times and worked various jobs but I always got sucked back into my Dad's hellish world. I finally got into so much that I was slapped with a court order that most likely saved my life. I was forced to choose between jail and freedom. It gave me the incentive to get out of Lacrosse and away from my Dad. I landed a job and got my own apartment and this time I stayed with the job. I cut off all contact with my Dad and Jennifer. I had hit rock bottom and had to fight my way out of the huge hole I had dug. Of course my family all looked down their noses at me except for my Sister who understood. My Mom couldn't see past the trouble I had gotten myself into.

I settled into my job and got along great with my co-workers. By now I was a twenty-four year old virgin who was terrified of having an intimate relationship. In the end I had to force myself to have sex with I guy I met at work. It was a painful horrible experience but I still felt I had crossed a threshold into womanhood. I few weeks later I met my Ex who was so cute and sweet at first. I was crazy about him but sex from the start was a painful and unpleasant experience. We were together for over two years and I can honestly say I never had a single orgasm. Intercourse continued to be a painful experience. Still I was desperate to be loved so I faked it. I put up with my Ex's verbal abuse and being mistreated, but I couldn't deal with his cheating. So we broke up for the last time when I was eight months pregnant with my second child.

During my time with my Ex Jennifer drifted back into my life for a while. She had gotten engaged to a friend from Lacrosse. I knew from the start that she didn't love him. I told her she was making a mistake and we got into a huge fight that ended with me refusing to be apart of her Wedding.

As for me after breaking up with my EX I was a single parent for a couple years which was really tough. I didn't date anyone because let's face it I had no real interest in sex. During this time I had a close guy friend that stuck by me through my break up with my EX. He continued to be a good friend for several years. He was good to me but I had absolutely no sexual attraction to him. Still I had never enjoyed sex and could do without it or fake it I figured. Being a single Mom was getting to hard and I decided to marry for practical reasons. So on August 28 we will celebrate two years of marriage. I guess I don't have to tell you things haven't worked out for us. We have a basic roommate situation. I have my own bedroom separate from his. I'm not comfortable with intimacy and have to be drunk to have sex and that hasn't happened for a year now. Once we get my medical bills taken care of and a settlement is reached with our insurance company we will be going our separate ways.

I'd like to say that Dad has no part in my life but after my Grandpa died I realized that keeping Dad out of my life was also keeping my kids from having a relationship with their Great Grandparents on the Camp side. So my brother, sister and I made a pact to keep Dad under adult supervision around my girls so that my Grandma could get to know them. My EX however is a protective Father and he recently got a court order that states Dad can't have contact with my girls. After which my Dad told me to go to hell. I can't say I'm upset about this. In my opinion Dad has destroyed the lives of three girls who have been deeply scarred by his actions. He has gotten away with it up to this point but now he is finally going to pay for his crime.

A recent trip on his computer led me to his email where there is a daily log of confirmation emails from various adult web cams. He had a hundred of these confirmation emails. Seeing this sickened me further. I'm glad my kids will have no further contact with him. His actions have caused nothing but pain. His own excessive behavior drove the family farm so in debt my Grandpa was forced to put the farm into CRP. His actions continue to scar us on a regular basis. Neither I nor my Sister have ever had a healthy intimate relationship with a man.