Say What You Mean

There have been many times over the years when I would share with someone what I needed or wanted, only to find that it was as if they never even heard me.  It made me feel frustrated and hurt.  I never could understand what it was about me that seemed to make it so difficult for people to hear and fulfill my wants.

At some point during the last year, I realized why people did not hear  what I was saying.  I was not really saying what it was that I wanted  and needed.  I would beat around the bush, alluding to what it was that I wanted, but I never actually said it.  I expected people to be able to figure out what it was that I wanted from the vague clues I was giving them.  I learned that if I want to be  heard,  I need to say what I mean and mean what I say.

"Then you should say what you mean,’ the March Hare went on. `I  do,’ Alice hastily replied; `at least – at least I mean what I say –  that’s the same thing, you know. "~ Lewis Carroll

Every time I did not say what I meant, and mean what I said, I diminished my own self worth, and my power.  Since I would always dance around a subject and never just be open about what I wanted, people found it tiring and frustrating to have any kind of discussion with me.  It became easier for them to ignore me then to try and figure what I was really saying.  I  also ended up feeling frustrated, disappointed, and ignored.  I felt as if I had no voice.  Those feelings contributed to the extreme unhappiness I always seemed to have.

There are several reasons why I chose to not say what I meant.  In the past, it was an act of self preservation.  I have had relationships with people and family where expressing what I really thought could have led to a great deal of unpleasantness.  I would use hinting around about the subject I wanted to discuss as a way to gauge what the other person's reaction might be.  It was a handy tool to avoid loud voices, insults and in some cases physical harm.  Unfortunately, it became a habit that I carried with me later on in life.

As I become older, I became the ultimate people pleaser.  My own self-esteem was tied into what I could do to make other people happy.  By never being direct about what I wanted, I could make sure everyone else's wants and needs were taken care of.  I would tell myself that was enough for me, but that was not the truth.  I felt ignored and neglected. I did not see myself as valuable as everyone else. 

It has taken a year's worth of intense therapy and a great deal of self-introspection to view myself as valuable.  Once I saw myself as valuable, it was easy to make the choice to live a truthful life, a life where I was being the real me,  I began to start saying what I meant. If I wanted to buy some clothes I would just do it, instead of saying something like "That shirt is pretty.  I bet it would look nice on me." I expressed my own opinions rather than taking on someone else's to just make them happy.  I was surprised at the results.  Most of the people in my life where very happy that I was telling them what I needed and wanted.  They were thrilled that I had my own opinions.  It allowed them to know what I was thinking, and gave them an opportunity to do things for me.  It made them feel as if they were a part of my life.

The more I said what I meant and meant what I said, the more confidence and feelings of self worth I gained.  Which led to me being more and more direct.  I no longer felt ignored and frustrated. The people in my life began to have more respect for me and started listening to me. I became a happier person.  Since I was no longer worrying about whether people got what I was alluding to, I also became less anxious.

Say what you mean and mean what you say is something I attempt to live up to every day.  It is not always easy, old habits can be difficult to overcome.  However, as each day goes by and I have more and more opportunities to practice being direct, the easier it has become.  My belief,  is that one day, I will be able to say what I mean and mean what I say without even having to give it any thought.