After Midnight Part 2

Chapter 3- Loosing the Faith

I parked in my usual space beside the oak tree and cautiously got out of the car. Paul was definatly here; his car was parked right next to the front door. I climbed the porch steps and opened the door. The TV buzzed from the living room and Paul seemed to be sleeping. What was I supposed to do? I began to clamber up the stairs and just as I thought our argument was postponed, a dark, tired voice called from the living room.
“You have a hell of a lot of explaining to do.” His voice was not particularly loud, but it was forceful and threatening.
“I left you a note. I’m sorry Paul. I needed books for a school project. It was very important that I got them for my mid term exams.”
“And you couldn’t have popped in last night to let me know?” Paul had stumbled to his feet now. “You couldn’t take 2 minutes to say sorry but I have to go out, hmm?” his eyes had widened and a vein in his head looked like it would burst soon.
“I’m sorry. I suppose I was so worried about the assignment that I didn’t think. I really didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Well you did.” He walked closer to me. So close that I could smell the beer, although it wouldn’t be hard to. “Don’t ever do that to me. Understand?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Make dinner, I’m starving to death here.”
“Sure. Anything you fancy?”
“What about that Pasta thing you did a while ago.”
“Okay. We should have everything for that.” I hurried into the kitchen and began making Paul’s dinner. I wasn’t particularly hungry. Just surprised that Paul didn’t take it any further than that.
I set the table and hoped that Paul wouldn’t change his mind and turn our civilized argument into a fight. I served Paul his dinner and headed upstairs.
“Where are you going?” Paul enquired
“I’m tired. I have homework and stuff to do too.”
“Fine. Don’t be going out anywhere.” Like I was going to. “You’re grounded by the way.” That sounded a bit more like Paul.
“Are you going out tonight?”
“I think so. What’s it to you?”
“Just curious.”
“Don’t be. It won’t get you anywhere.” I left it there and went up to my room. Mr Watson had set us maths homework, so I got that out and got into the unpleasant mindset of algebra. I finished just before eight o’clock and couldn’t think what else to do. I must have been crazy, but I went downstairs to check if Paul was out yet. He was.
Freedom. I put on my black military jacket and headed outside. I often did this when Paul was out. Just went for a walk. Nothing extravagant, nothing sociable, just a walk. Probably a third of my life was spent in the woods of Seattle. It was so quiet, so different from the centre of town. You would think there were two different worlds shoved into one city. I know what you’re thinking, and I’m not some weird nature geek. I just don’t have anything else to do. I just don’t know what else to do.
The air was cold and damp. The tree’s made it darker than outside, which most people would consider impossible. Seattle was unusual in that it seemed to get dark, early all year. At least, earlier than other cities in Washington, like Everett or Bellingham.  In the summer it didn’t start getting dark till about eight, but that’s still earlier than Everett.
I was already deep in the wood beside our house. I sat down on a rock and curled up, thinking about “things”. I was tired; it was just catching up on me now. I had forgotten that I hadn’t slept since Tuesday night. My chest still hurt, and my bruises were still very prominent. All I could hear was the sound of the wind. It wasn’t especially windy tonight. Actually it was relatively calm, for Seattle.
A twig cracked. It sounded close, very close. Maybe a hundred yards away. I was far enough into the wood for the chance of me finding another living person to be slim.  I looked around me, slightly panicked. Not being able to see anything, I concluded it to have been my insane paranoia that I had developed. It had sounded close though.
I sat there. I had no idea how long, but I did. Deciding that I needed to attempt to get some sleep, I headed back to the house. I got back and, to my relief, Paul still wasn’t back. He sometimes came back early, but usually stayed out all night. He had seemed to be going out more often lately. Not that I should worry, he has little stages when he goes out every night for like two weeks. But I thought he was starting to ease off the alcohol before, now it’s clear that I was wrong. God only knows the state of that man’s liver. I can barely imagine the damage he must be doing to it.
I glanced at the clock in the kitchen. It was 10.30. No wonder Paul wasn’t home yet, I can’t remember him ever coming home before eleven. I climbed the stairs, removing my shoes and jacket as I climbed. I went to the bathroom to shower. Seeing my bruises again brought everything back. I stood there for a while, unable to move. What had I done wrong to deserve this? If there was something, why couldn’t someone just tell me, warn me instead of giving immediate punishment. Is that what this was? My punishment?
I had a long shower. I needed it. The warmth of the water helped. I couldn’t describe how I felt. It was like having blood on your hands and no matter what you did, it wouldn’t come off. Like being covered in dirt, and no matter how much you washed, it stayed on your skin just as bad as before. I couldn’t shake off my feelings from last night. A part off me wanted to go back to that cliff. It wasn’t even just a whisper pulling me back. It was a scream, loud and constant in my head. The other part of me knew that the screaming would soon win.
When I finally forced myself out of the shower, I got changed and got into bed. My room was either very cold, or that shower was hotter than I knew. Either way, it made me shiver. I realised how sore it was to lie down now. I shifted my weight from side to side gently trying to find a half comfortable position. This was way more complicated than it should be. I had known it was unlikely I would get much sleep tonight, but this was just inconceivable.  I lay there till three in silence, unable to close my eyes, but at the same time, desperate to.
I shivered at the thought of repeating today, but soon the oncoming sleep was irresistible. Before I knew it I was sleeping. Drifting into another world, somewhere far away. Somewhere hidden and secret, somewhere all my own. It could never last long though. I woke up again at quarter to six. Feeling slightly ill. My head thumped and churned as I tried to recall my own existence. I got up and stumbled downstairs to get a tablet. Paul was home; his car was there anyway. He wasn’t in the living room so he must have made it upstairs.
I swallowed my headache tablet and grimaced at the flavour. I floated upstairs again, not sure if I could manage getting back to sleep or not. I got into bed all the same, and knew I had an entire hour before it was acceptable to get up. I fidgeted with my hair unable to settle again and eventually just sat up. I was unquestionably jaded so I searched my bag for my mp3. The battery was getting low so I decided to charge it. No mp3. What to do, what to do…
I came to the conclusion that there was nothing and just sat there hugging my legs in the silence. I couldn’t think just yet, my brain was still asleep. So asleep it was impossible to tell if it would ever wake up. I didn’t move. I was too dead to move, too lost in my own head. I wasn’t much aware of anything else happening. Just sure of the fact that I didn’t want to do anything. My alarm went off at seven and I slowly rose to my feet, stumbling to the floor when I couldn’t find any strength in my legs. I got up, wincing slightly and headed to the bathroom to get washed.
I looked a mess. My hair was just everywhere and my skin was pallid. I looked ill, even though my headache had calmed, I looked very ill. I splashed cold water in my face in an attempt to wake up. It stunned me sure enough, but I was still unbelievably drained. I felt the need to dive into a pool of freezing water, perhaps that would wake me. But if I did that, I would find it hard to resist staying in the water, to remain without air.
I got dressed in my comfiest, dark jeans and grey sweater. It was hard to care very much what I looked like to other people when I felt this dead. If I were to die, I should hope I would feel a little better than this. I had always imagined death to be like sleeping. For heaven to be a good dream and for hell to be a bad dream. No one could ever be sure, but I suppose you could call that my religion, my belief. I had never been profoundly religious, but the hope of some good thing to help me would be nice.
In a hurry to leave the house before Paul was up, I ran downstairs, almost tripping twice. I made a slice of toast, my hunger catching up on me and hastened back upstairs to clean my teeth. After that I grabbed my bag and yanked my mp3 off the charge. I brushed my hair enough to get most of the tats out and hurried back downstairs in search of the car keys. After finding them I snuck out quietly and got into the car.
I turned the keys in the ignition and began to reverse out of the driveway. I drove at a snail's pace to school and strummed my fingers on the steering wheel in anxiety and agitation. My parking space called to me as I drove into the busy school grounds. I sat in my car for five minutes before going in, knowing I would be too early other wise. I could most certainly have slept, but I didn’t want to be late for class either, so I just sat in silence, contemplating how to get through today.
I stared at my watch until it was time to go in, and got out of the car. The school seemed… more hectic than usual. There were flyers on the front door and scattered all over the entrance steps. People were talking and didn’t seem to have the slightest intention of heading to class. James, Alicia and everyone were too preoccupied in the busyness to notice my existence, and that was how I liked it.
I went to first period and battled to keep my eyelids from closing. It was hard undoubtedly, but I couldn’t chance falling asleep for two reasons. One, I would look unbelievably ridiculous, and two, I don’t think any of my teachers would appreciate it. Especially not Mr Watson. I decided I would just stare at the front of the room and look like I’m paying attention until he asks us to start writing. Then, I would just write random nonsense on the page, not caring anymore about my grades, for obvious reasons.
The bell sang to signal the end of class and I was abnormally slow to leave trigonometry. I dragged myself slowly towards Spanish and sat down, wanting to just walk out of school and sleep standing up. The lesson lugged as per usual and I may as well have been sleeping. It had starting raining outside, and I think that was the only piece of information I learned in class, as I stared out the window all period.
Study period came quickly, too quickly. I was going to go in, but when I saw that there was no supervisor, I decided to have a little walk about first. I went to my barely used locker and dumped all my stuff there so as I would have to carry it about and then headed for the closest door to the basement. On my way I noticed one of the flyers from earlier on a notice board. It read,

WEST SEATTLE HIGH
MUSIC CONCERT
GYM
STARRING ALICA FAWKES, TAYLOR BANES AND CLAIRE TURNER
MODERN MUSIC
NOT TO BE MISSED
NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT
9PM TO 12AM

So that’s where they were. That makes sense I suppose, but there was no way in trillion years I was going. While everyone was there I would be in my room, or on a walk. My sad little life was better than a painful little life and as long as I knew what to stay clear of, I would be able to accomplish my sad life and avoid hostilities.
I walked on and finally got to the basement door. It was hard to open but I got it eventually. It was dark as usual and surprisingly warm. It was usually cold down here, but they must have had the heating on early this morning or something. I wandered up my usual path under the science corridors. There was a bit more light there so I could see where I was going.
I meandered through the underground maze, otherwise known as the school basement, for goodness knows how long. I found an empty room and sat down on the concrete floor. It was so quiet. Whilst the air was warm, the floor was cool and a shiver flickered up my spine. I hummed gently to an unknown tune. I had no idea where I had heard it from but it was outstanding in my mind. It was a soft little song, like a lullaby or a song from a different time, but it was beautiful. When it was almost time for the bell to go, I started to make my way out of the labyrinth, and head off for English.
  It was a long way back, but I made it to class on time. I sat, as I had in Spanish, staring out the window. Mr Coolson could tell something was different, I knew it, but I didn’t feel like enthusiasm and participation, not today. It’s a Friday at least, but I don’t know whether to be pleased or disappointed. Pleased at the thought of no more school, disappointed at the thought of being at home.
When class ended. James and Aston hung about a bit, but Mr Coolson gave them a look and they disappeared. I, being exhausted, was slower than usual putting my books away. Mr Coolson looked like he wanted to say something when I headed for the door.
“Do you have a minute Faith?”
“Sure. Is everything alright?”
“I was just about to ask you the same thing. Please sit down.” Uh-oh. This doesn’t sound good. He closed the door and sat down in front of me at his desk.
“Is something wrong Faith?”
“No. I’m fine.” I wasn’t a good liar, and I knew it.
“Are you sure? All through my class, and even now, you look awfully tired, ill, almost. Are you sure something isn’t bothering you, you really don’t look yourself?”
“I just didn’t get much sleep last night. That’s all.”
“Well… then there’s something else I wanted to ask you about. Is James your friend now? He just looks... interested in you. He’s been hanging about after class and no offence but he stares at you in the cafeteria. Not that I’m paying particular attention mind you, but it is sort of obvious.”
“No. No, we’re not friends. We aren’t even close.” I answered too quickly and to sharply, but I couldn’t help it. Friends? Was he serious?
“Then… what’s going on?”
“Nothing sir. Like I said, I’m just a little tired.” my eyes were actually aching. I could barely keep them open, or even tell if they were or not.
“A little. Sure.” He looked puzzled and paused for a moment. “Faith you… you can scarcely keep your eyes open.” He spluttered. “I’m worried about you. Please tell me why?”
“You have no reason to be worried.” I kept fighting to keep my eyes open as the silence filled the room. “Can I go now?”
“Ye… No. I’m not naïve Faith. Something’s up with you. And I’m not letting you go until I know.” Wow. It sounded like he actually cared, unusual.
“Well I guess we’ll be here for a while then.” I hid my face in my hair and shifted awkwardly in my chair.
“What can I do? How am I supposed to help you if your not going to tell me what you need help for?” he was shouting now. It stunned me.
“I… I… I don’t need help.” I could feel my eyes filling with water and at the same time, threatening to close.
“Rubbish, you’re scaring me Faith. What’s so awful that you can’t tell me?” I didn’t realise the tears at first. They just started pouring out. My lungs felt heavy and I found it hard to breathe at the thought of telling him the truth, or even part of it.
“Faith… let me help you.”
“Help me? What am I, an insane lunatic? Well I’m not, okay? Please just… just let me go…” I started to get up, but my feet weren’t agreeing with me and were weak beneath me. I stumbled but Mr Coolson helped me up and sat me down again. My eyes were starting to close I could hardly prevent them. My eyelids were fifty times heavier than they should be.
“Faith, look at yourself.” To that I said nothing. I knew what a mess I must have looked, and could partially understand his aggravation with me. I continued to improve the silence as he starred at my overflowing eyes.
“Please. Tell me.” I shook my head and made sure my feet were stable before I stood up.
“You’re not leaving this room until you tell me!”
“What are you going to do? Do you own me now?” I opened the door and marched down the English corridor until I reached the closest means outside. The tears flooded and my chest pounded. I couldn’t find the correct breathing pattern and I could feel myself being noticed.
As I headed for my car, a hand grabbed my arm. This kind of motion was getting way too familiar.
“Something the matter?” his voice was cold, and it was more a statement than a question. I said nothing, but attempted to look at him with enough rage to stare him down. Although my rage was incredible, it didn’t go very well. I could feel two figures behind me, and my arm being pulled back up towards the forest. I wasn’t about to let this happen again. Without knowing how I did it, I stood on his foot with all my weight and ran for the forest. My car was too far away and it would be hard to find me in there if I ran fast enough.
I kept running. My feet ached and I couldn’t breathe, but I kept running. I was going to get lost I knew it, but I didn’t care. I wanted to get lost, and I didn’t want anyone but angels to find me. I couldn’t see, or hear the school anymore. I couldn’t hear the city or even the motorway. I decided to simply walk now. I could hardly feel my own feet beneath me. All of the running had caused them to go numb.
Eventually I just couldn’t walk anymore, I had been walking for so long already, I could be anywhere. I sat down, half collapsing, and tried to catch my breath. I hit my head and couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer and felt myself drift away into oblivion. I could have been flying. I could have been swimming in the sky. Whatever I could feel when I was asleep, was better than anything else I knew.
A leaf brushed against my cheek, and the air around me was suddenly cold. I hauled my head off the ground and felt the bump from where I had hit it earlier. It looked darker than before it had to be night. My mouth was dry and my body felt useless. I tried standing up, and after many attempts made it. I had to keep going. I had to go so far into Bournewood that no one could possibly find me. I knew it was unlikely that they would look for me, but there were loads of hunters in Bournewood, and I didn’t want one of them to find me.
I wandered through the trees. I could have been walking for hours, or seconds. I wasn’t aware of anything, not time, not feeling, not even if there was a breeze tonight. All I was aware of was the fact that I couldn’t stay in Seattle any longer, the fact that I must either leave, or give myself to pure anguish. I could feel myself unable to walk again and had to lie down for a moment. This was going to become a habit obviously. But I’d rather that than hurt my feet so much as to be incapable of running away.
I hadn’t thought of it like that before. I was running away. Running away from everything I had lived through for the past few years. Not that my life was so much better when my parents were alive, but I didn’t dread coming home from school back then. I looked forward to it actually. I made myself promise now, promise never to go back to Paul, to go back to that school. If I died from starvation or hypothermia now, that would be an easier promise to keep, but it sounded simpler than I knew it would be.
I began to realise that I was hungry and tried to ignore that fact by getting up and walking again. Sooner or later I was going to run out of energy completely, but for now I had to use it. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings and tripped over a branch. I landed on my right arm and it dug into my chest. Suddenly my chest was warm, as the blood rushed to mend the open wound. Since Wednesday afternoon, my ribs had been delicate, and the skin was easily torn.
The pain in my chest made me need to grab hold of a tree. I could barely stand up but by the time I caught my breath the bleeding seemed to be slowing. I just looked a bit odd having a large red patch on my sweatshirt. The ache was still strong, don’t get me wrong, but I saw something ahead that made me need to go forward.
It was a lake, a vast, deep blue lake. The sky was clear tonight, something that rarely happened in Washington. The moon glowed on the lake and its silver reflection glistened in the blackness of the night. I pulled myself towards the water and kneeled by the waters edge. I could see my own refection in the water and began to sob again.
I took of my black shoes and slide my toes into the water. The water was cool and clear. It wasn’t one of those murky brown lakes you see everywhere. It really was “crystal clear”. You could see the greyish blue stones at the bottom in the shallows, and the hints of them as the water got darker in the deep water. The lake must have been 50 to a hundred meters wide. There was a rock face on the far side as well. Unfortunately there was no cool looking waterfall, but I was grateful for the water to be so clean.
I took some of the water in my hands and splashed it in my face. It was refreshing after my skin had been so clammy. There was a pinkish light starting to form in the trees, and I guessed that that light was the sunrise. I stood up and walked, still barefoot towards a large oak tree, leaning over the lake. I leaned against it and breathed slowly, waiting for a better light to get up in. yet again, I found my eyes closed.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t slept in a month or anything. I just missed one night’s sleep. But I suppose, in all honesty, I never had got the right amount of sleep at night, a couple of hour’s maybe, but never a full night. Not in the past few years anyhow. I could possibly be catching up on three years worth of much needed sleep. That’s ironic. Never sleeping at home, but being able to sleep in the middle of a cold, empty forest. Granted I felt more at home here than I did anywhere else.
I woke up for the thousandth time in the one night, to a bright morning. It was sunnier than it had been for a long time, again with the irony. It was warm now. So warm I had to take off my sweater. I was surprised when it stuck to my chest, forgetting about how I had bled last night. I carefully lifted it over my head, conscious of the fragility of my wound. My white t-shirt could have been tie-dyed red. It was bright and the smell made me dizzy. After all this time, I still hadn’t got used to the smell of my own blood.
Suddenly the lake looked especially welcoming. I decided that no one could possibly be this deep in the forest, and took off my t-shirt. I rolled up my trousers as I wadded into the gentle water. I tried washing some of the blood from my t-shirt at least. The redness become weaker with the smell but you could still tell I had been bleeding quite obviously.
The feeling of the calm water on my legs was pleasing and I suddenly had an urge to go swimming. I put my t-shirt back on and took of my jeans. I threw them to the banks with my sweater and eased into the water. While the shallow water had been cool, the water where the sunlight hit it was warm. The transition was gradual, but relaxing.
I floated on my back. Letting the sunlight hit my face. It was so sweet, the warmth of the sun on my skin, the feeling of water at my back. I could feel now, I could breathe now. Everything was perfect until my head jutted against the stone wall. I turned round in a slight panic, confused by the interruption to my freedom.
There was a gap in the wall. Beside where I had hit my head, there was a cavern. It was dry and private. You wouldn’t even be able to see it from across the lake, you know, rocks looking the same and all that. I ducked under the water to get in and came out in an ornate cave. It wasn’t very big, but it was easily somewhere good to sleep.
I climbed out of the water on to a platform and took in my surroundings. There was a ledge that I could lie on at night and the room was surprisingly warm. Light came in underneath the “door” and from a crack in the rock above me. The ledge of the “door” was just above the waterline and so was difficult to see, even up close. This was a perfect place for me to stay, for a while anyhow.

Chapter 4- Settling in

It was starting to get dark again. I still hadn’t eaten anything and my clothes were just dry enough for me to wear. I walked around the lake and climbed the part of the rock face that had the cavern in it. I could see the crack and clambered in through it. I took off my sweater again as the heat of the room overwhelmed me. I could hear the wind picking up outside, but couldn’t even feel a breeze in this small sanctuary.
The little tune from yesterday came into my head again. It relaxed me further as I lay on the stone bench, naturally carved in the cavern. I felt myself unable to sleep, surprisingly and lay there, studying the moons reflection off the water you could see beneath the “door”. It made patterns in the water, like a spiders web of moonlight. This small amount of light lit up the room in a gentle silver glow.
Still not being able to sleep, I slid unto the floor and lay there on my stomach, making meaningless patterns in the water with my fingertips. The moonlight danced in the water as I twisted it around in my hand. I could feel myself getting increasingly bored, and was about to go and lie down, when I heard a soft echo in the trees. I couldn’t tell what it was, but it was close enough to hear.
It sounded almost… wolf-like. There had been stories of wolves in this wood, but no one had ever got proof that there were actual wolves here. If they were wolves, I must be very far in. hunters had sighted them but said that they were as far in as they had ever gone, and that the wolves were in the distance. Another howl rang through the forest. Yes, it definatly sounded like wolves. I am surprised they didn’t find me when I was sleeping. Oh well, its not like they would be likely to find me in here, and to e entirely honest, I didn’t care very much if they did.
I could here the sound of twigs cracking now. I got up and sat on my bench again. I sat there for a long time, waiting to hear something else, but nothing came. I suddenly realised how tired I was now and didn’t take long to drift into a light, but deeper than usual, sleep. I dreamed about the night I jumped. I dreamed that the skies were made of diamonds, and that that mysterious man who saved me, was an angel. His wings were black as his hair, but his eyes were as old as time and as sincere as anyone’s could possibly be.
That man was puzzling me. He had seemed really worried about what would happen to me, and yet he was a total stranger. Even the people who knew me didn’t care whether I lived or died, never mind a stranger. I didn’t even ask for his name. He saved my life, and I had thrown it back in his face. I would never stop feeling guilty for that. Something about him made me feel safe, in a way that I’d never felt before. It was like the “I’m doing something I shouldn’t be” feeling, but not quite.
I woke up in the morning, the sunlight beamed in through the crack in the ceiling and the water. I stood on the bench in order to haul myself from the cave and the sunlight hit my face in a sudden wave. My eyes kept trying to adjust to the light as I clambered from the rock face. I jumped down, stumbling a little and looked around. Noting had changed; perhaps the wolf thing had been a dream? Who knew anymore? My life was so used to being repetitive, that when something new came along, I could never tell whether it was real or not.
I was starting to get really hungry. It had been a very, very long time from I had eaten last. I could feel my energy lacking, but because I got some sleep, it probably wasn’t as bad as it should be. Perhaps this would be how I died. Perhaps I would never find anything to eat, or a reason to go home, and starve to death. That didn’t seem pleasant, and took a long time, but if it must be, it must be.
I knew that I would have to leave this lake eventually, but I didn’t see the hurry. I mean, I like it here. It has a safe place to hide, a “swimming pool” 5 star sunbathing and was all in all, extremely relaxing. This place should be a hotel. Maybe not, but I would rather spend the rest of my life here than go back home. It didn’t even feel right, calling it home. Because it wasn’t, and it never would be.
I lay down by the side of the water, and fiddled with grass, once again feeling futile. What was I supposed to do now? I hadn’t thought of that when I was running from the school. I should really have brought my mp3 or something. Hell, I could even have brought my schoolbag and read Romeo and Juliet. Sad I know. But somehow I think it would be more entertaining than grass.
I closed my eyes, but didn’t sleep. It was warm, possibly even warmer than yesterday. The weather lately was most unusual. If we were lucky, it might be this warm in the height of summer, but not in March. Usually we had just recovered from the winter by March. Isn’t it funny how things can change so quickly, so inexplicably? Must be something to do with global warming, everything always is nowadays.
I opened my eyes, ultimately feeling restless from hunger. How was I going to stick this? I wasn’t the type of person to eat a lot, but I did eat, I mean… come on! This was certainly going to be difficult. Difficult not to find another manner of death, difficult not to give in and turn back, difficult not to go mad and difficult not to go to another city one way or another. I had to do something that would occupy my time, something that would take my mind off it.
I hobbled back to the rock face and climbed down into my cave. Huh. My cave. I suppose it is in a way. I took off my jeans as I had yesterday and slipped into the water. It was just as warm as it had been yesterday. Just as relaxing and uplifting. I ducked under the ledge and began swimming towards the middle of the lake. I ducked under the water in an attempt to wake up slightly. It helped a bit I suppose, but mostly just got my hair wetter than before unnecessarily.
The water was just as clear as it had been. There was no salt to burn my eyes and I could see the whole way to the bank. There were no fish, only plants and stones at the bottom. It was a long enough way down in the middle. I had to go down quite far to be able to touch it with my feet. I swam down, barely noticing the lack of air and noticed a slight shine in the water. It must have been tiny. I swam down further towards the bottom to try to see it clearer.
I moved some of the white stones out of the way so that I could get a hold of it. It was a ring. It was a gold ring, with a black stone of some form in the middle. Small white stones, possibly diamonds, surrounded the black stone. I realised that I could no longer breathe and headed for the top of the lake, with the ring in my hands.
I took a large exuberant gasp for air. My throat was dry when I reached the surface and swam, choking to the edge. When I reached the edge, I got any water from my lungs and lay on my side, breathing as slowly and deeply as I could to calm myself down. I was dripping wet as I endeavoured to sit up. My arms shook as the shock of air pulsed into my skin.
Still gasping slightly, I pulled the ring to my face. The black stone in the middle was somehow translucent. That shouldn’t be I know, but I could see a red stone in the middle, or something red anyway. I would normally pass something like this off for being plastic, but it looked real. It looked old, yet still preserved. I suppose the fact that there was no salt in the water made it harder worn away.
  The sun glinted off of it as I twisted it in my hands. The gold was a darkish gold, not like you would see plastic to be. It was heavy as well, very heavy. The back stone was mesmerizing. It seemed the more you tried to see the red part in the middle, the harder it was to look away. The red part seemed to move slightly, it was impossible. The ring was impossible. I felt a little scared when I looked at it and I didn’t know why.
I closed my fist on the ring, the only thing I could do to stop myself looking at it. I suddenly felt the pain rush through me. I was running away, I was possibly going to die here. No one would be looking for me. Paul would be drinking more obsessively from not having anyone to make his dinner and the alcohol would rush to his head quicker for the same reason. Alicia would never know what her boyfriend did and as I thought about that, I felt sorry for her.
  I had never considered that before. My selfishness and pain was covering my eyes. If Alicia didn’t know what James was like, what would happen to her? Would James hurt her too? Or maybe he only hurts people he makes fun of. Whether he would hurt her or not, Alicia deserved better than him. That’s not something I ever thought I’d say, but even Alicia has a good side, I think. James I’m not so sure of however.
Alicia deserved to at least know what he was like, preferably without revealing that it was me who he did it to. This was unattainable. How could I ever make myself happy when I thought like this? I had never thought that maybe that’s the point, maybe someone else is supposed to make me happy instead of trying to do it myself, but now I thought about it, it depressed me. It was exceptionally improbable that I would have anyone like that, ever. I had to snap myself out of this stupor and pull myself together. I couldn’t last two minutes here if I thought like this.
I would sooner kill myself than attempt to survive when I was thinking like this. Being here, I had never felt lonelier. Lonely and alone are two very different things. At the moment I was alone but felt lonely. Confusing I know. Lonely is when you want someone’s company, someone in particular, but alone is when you don’t have anyone. I couldn’t believe my own mind when the thought occurred to me. I wanted someone’s company, and have done for a long while; I just haven’t known whom till now.
I felt guilty about what he did. Or rather my response to what he did. I just didn’t know it was deeper than guilt. I knew I would never see him again, which depressed me more, but it didn’t stop me thinking about him. Why couldn’t I have asked for his name? At least if I knew his name I could know who saved my life. Instead of always referring to him as “the man who pulled me from the water”. That was whom I was thinking of.
I picked myself up; the ring still clasped in my hand, and began walking back into the water. I swam back to the cave, unsure of what I was feeling anymore. I hauled myself onto the rock and sat down on the ledge, leaning back against the wall as I fiddled with my black treasure. It was a small thing. The band was not overly thick, and the stone was not as big as you would expect it to be. It should be disconnected to me, but I couldn’t help but feel a longing to keep it, even though it kind of hurt to look at it.
I set it behind me and headed back into the water. I was going to get bored of this very easily. I just wish I had something else to do. I suppose I could have a look around. Making sure I could find my way back obviously, but have a look for another sign of the wolf theory being true. Oh, who knew? I could do that a little later, when my clothes were dry enough.
I lay on my back, floating on the surface of the water. I was trying to think of other things to do at the same time as trying to figure out how I felt. I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs, and somehow felt like my body was restricting me. Like I was too small for everything inside of me. It wasn’t that I was short or anything, I just seemed to have a lot inside me. It I was standing up, I would be pacing. What did anyone do when they felt like this? Maybe this was what it was like to go mad. Maybe I had finally cracked, or maybe I cracked a long time ago.
My stomach rumbled again. This was just not working. I should have to start walking again tomorrow. One whole day in one place is just proving too much for my stomach to handle. It had only been just over a day since I had eaten, I think. I had been unconscious for quite a while. But I suppose all the walking and swimming was using up my energy. I had been doing too much thinking today and it was starting to show side effects. My headache came back.
It was pretty much a constant thing. It came on when I thought too much or something was too loud, or however else normal people get headaches. They turned into migraines easily and often. Since last Tuesday, I have had relatively few considering I had a lot to think about. Perhaps that was an understatement. Only when I had something to relax me slightly would the headache pass. But I have no idea what has been relaxing me this week, or if anything has.
I eventually just swam back to the cave to dry off. It was still roasting there. My air felt slightly cut off. I climbed out the crack and lay on a flat area of rock I leaned over slightly and rang my hair out, so I would cover myself in a puddle of water. I closed my eyes, trying to think of meadows and birds and whatever else cheesy psychiatrists told people to think of when they were stressed.
The sun dried my t-shirt and underwear quickly so I climbed back into the cave and put on my jeans and shoes. After doing so, I took a look around, for a reason even I didn’t know and headed out. The sun was still high in the sky. I suspected it was after midday, seeing as it had been higher and I didn’t have a watch. I surprised that all this climbing and swimming hadn’t made my ribs worse, but I think that the heat and the water have helped them. I pressed my hand to my chest, just to make sure. It did hurt, but not half as much as when I found the lake.
My white t-shirt was still a bit pink from the blood. I hadn’t thought about my injuries in a while. That has to be a good thing right? I don’t know. I think it was because I had other stuff to think off. But now I was just running out. Maybe that’s how people went insane. This may sound weird but most people think it is because they have too much to think about, what if it was the other way round? What if people went insane because they simply didn’t have anything happening in their lives to think of, so their minds emptied. That doesn’t sound completely impossible.
I had to find something else to think about now. When you start thinking about why people go insane of your own accord, something is wrong. I took a breath as I walked away from the lake, running my hands through my hair in an attempt to snap out of it. It wasn’t going well. I found myself humming that little tune again, and focusing on the patterns that the sunlight might on the ground where the leaves allowed it.
I trampled through the forest, feeling now the little energy I had in me. I wandered around, feeling this was pointless and began to head back for the lake. It took me a while to retrace my steps, but when I did, I noticed an odd patch near the bottom of a tree truck. It was a tuft of grey fluff, fluff that could easily be fur. Maybe I wasn’t imagining things after all.
As I walked back to the lake, I found myself checking around myself more than usual. It was getting darker now, but the sun was still well above the horizon, just reaching out over the treetops. The sun was still blazing brightly, but the sky had turned a shade not unlike pink. It was, now that I thought about it, a little colder. Okay, a lot colder than earlier, but still warm for the hour and season.
I eventually got back to the lake. It was untouched. Just as calm, just as clear, just as perfect and the aura around it was just as relaxing. There was a slight mist forming around the trees, but the air around the lake was spotless. I sighed as I headed up to the rock face once more, intending this to be my last night here. It was kind of sad, but I couldn’t stay here, not anymore. I would drive myself mad soon enough.
I dropped myself into the crack, and felt my chest tighten. It seemed that as I began to remember that I had bruises, the pain came back. I wrapped my arms around my ribs and tried to think of something else. The room was just as warm as before, despite the cooler weather outside. The golden ring lay on my bench, shining and hurting my eyes. I picked it up and sat down on the bench.
I curled my legs up and hugged them as I twisted the ring amongst my fingers. I still couldn’t get used to it. The ring seemed to make me feel sad, but somehow I liked it. It was like I would feel if I was happy, it was strong, it was full, but at the same time it made me want to hit something or burst into tears. It doesn’t make much sense I know, but nothing in my life made sense anymore, why should this be any different.
I sat there staring into the black stone for a long time. By the time I looked up, it was dark outside. There was no more sunshine breaking into the cave. I closed my hand around the ring and lay down on the bench. I lay curled up and awake, unable to stop my brain from thinking. Thinking about everything.  I couldn’t help but hear Paul’s voice in my head.
All I could ever remember him saying was ‘get me a coffee’ or ‘make dinner’ or if the pub was closed ‘get me a beer’. Anything else he said was similar. I began to cheer up slightly, knowing I might never have to put up with him drunk again. But my stomach wouldn’t let me be happy and starting making noises. I could feel myself weaker than earlier, and guessed the lack of food was taking no time proving itself to me.
My eyes started to close, and I began to fall asleep. But my thoughts stayed on the same path. I dreamt about that night. The night when everything seemed to change, to get worse… the night I jumped. Everything from the moment I got up to the moment I stormed away from him I relived. It was like being banished to my own personal hell, like being thrown into the fire naked and without protection.
I couldn’t tell whether I was awake or not. I heard my own screams like in the dream, but my sight was slightly impaired. I couldn’t quite figure out where I was, but it was dark. As my eyes adjusted I saw rocks. Not much else to be honest, but I could feel something in my hand. It was hot, and I had to open my hand gently. I pulled the ring out of my sweaty palms, and tried to straighten out the marks that it left behind in my skin.
I glanced at the stone again, but this time there was no feeling of happiness, just emptiness. I threw it into the corner, planning on forgetting it ever existed and sat down by the water. I stared into space for a while, unsure what I should feel after my nightmares. I acted physically before I knew it in my head. My cheek was suddenly wet with teardrops and I could feel my chest caving in on me. My breathing was uneven and my hands were shaking slightly. I curled into a ball and buried my head in my arms.
I wept in agony, finding my own existence incomprehensible. I had never been closer to jumping again than this. My mind was already planning but I eventually shut out those feelings, telling myself there was no point. How was I going to bear this, how was I going to ever feel normal? In that moment I considered the possibility that I never would. The teardrops still flooded down my cheek like the River Nile and didn’t seem to want to stop.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the past few days. It was like a truck heading to smash you against a wall, when there was nowhere else for you to go. The odds of survival were astronomically small. A rough estimate… perhaps one in a billion? It couldn’t be far off anyway. All I could do was try not to break up, try not to go insane if I wasn’t already. God only knows what I would do if I had the impulse of insanity behind me.
I could see the sun starting to rise from its reflection in the water, and coiled up by the side of the water, waiting for complete daylight before I set out for another place, another sanctuary far from down town Seattle. The silent tears finally ceased, but the thoughts didn’t. The images just kept coming, again and again. I thought for a while that they would never stop, until I heard a few branches rustle and my thoughts were diverted. It was so quiet outside that I would be able to hear anything.
I stayed frozen on the floor, moving just about as much as the rocky ground I lay on. A part of me wanted it to be a wolf, a part of me wanted that wolf to get in, a part of me was suicidal. The rest of me was merely acting on human instinct. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears, I could hear my own breath, but I heard nothing more from outside. I lay there, perfectly still, for what could have been hours, but I sort of knew that it could only be minutes. I sat up and tried to look for a reason to exist. Finding none, I lay back down on my back and closed my eyes.
It wouldn’t be long now till the sun was high in the sky. When enough light was pouring in through the crack in the roof, I got up and climbed out of it, refusing to take the ring with me. I left it on the floor of the cave, and reluctantly headed out. By the height of the sun, it was probably mid morning. The mist from last night had spread to the lake, and I now felt no pain in leaving it.