May the Fourth Be With You

The Writer’s Cramp for 05/05/2012 *** WINNER***
Contest prompt: “Today, May 4, is known as Star Wars Day. This is a pun: it's so fans of the series can say "May the fourth be with you." But those of us who are fond of quoting Star Wars often annoy those who do not, so today's prompt is to write a story or poem about someone who just will not stop quoting Star Wars.”
988 words, 15 Star Wars quotes, countless clichés.

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A rotund kid woke up on a cold metallic slab, a blinding light in his eyes. His eyelids were heavy and it was as if something was keeping them shut. His body felt numb and slightly tingly, and he wasn't sure what was happening. When he saw two shiny gray heads blocking some of this light, he could see their very large obsidian eyes and tiny noses and mouths. But instead of being overwhelmed with fear, a smile appeared across his face so large that it strained his facial muscles.

"Aliens!" he shouted, thrilled beyond comprehension, jumping off the examination table. He hopped up and down and did a small, embarrassing dance. "Of all days to be abducted by aliens, I get abducted today! This is so awesome! You guys do know what today is?"

The small gray aliens looked at him strangely. "How did he get up off the table?" the first alien known as Mario silently asked the other telepathically. The other alien known as Argus just shrugged.

“It’s May 4th,” the kid said. When he didn’t see any sort of recognition from the aliens, he held his hands together and bowed his head. “May the Fourth be with you,” he said. When he looked back up at the perplexed aliens, he said, “Awww, you guys are probably on the stardate standard and know nothing of our primitive calendar.”

The aliens were confused. “Why is he not responding to our mind control?” Mario asked. Argus just shrugged.

“Is this your space ship?” the kid asked. “What a piece of junk! Ha ha! Just kidding, you guys. This is a great ship. Is it fast? I bet it’s fast. You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon? It’s the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.”

The kid suddenly became very serious and spoke with a very deep voice. “If this is a consular ship, where is the ambassador? Commander, tear this ship apart until you’ve found those plans. And bring me the passengers, I want them alive!”

The aliens flinched as he stepped towards them, but he suddenly veered off and squatted down to look out the one foot tall window that encircled the harvester section of the spaceship. He saw the glittering blue seas and the puffy white clouds of the Earth below. “Whoa … I can see the Mos Eisley spaceport from here,” he said, pointing down towards a land mass. He turned and faced the confused aliens and said, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

The aliens looked at his strangely, and the kid pointed at himself with his thumb. “You just watch yourself. We’re wanted men. I have the death sentence on 12 systems.”

He suddenly changed his demeanor and shifted his weight to face where he was standing a moment ago. He meekly said, “I’ll be careful.”

The kid quickly shifted his weight and faced the original direction. “You’ll be dead!”

He then skipped backwards and started swinging his hands around wildly, making a whirring buzz noise as he swung around his imaginary light sabre back and forth. He shuffled over to another position on the stainless steel floor and held his hands out. “No blasters! No blasters!” he pleaded.

The aliens cowered back at all of this activity and witnessed him make a final, decisive swing. He screamed, spun around, and fell to the floor. He extended his arm out and moaned, “My arm!”

“What the hell is going on?” Mario asked the other alien.

The kid got up and said, “What's the cargo? Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids...and no questions asked. Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements.”

“There is an overlord species that control these humans?” Argus telepathically asked the other alien. “That was not ascertained in our surveillance of this world.”

“Wow, look at the moon!” the kid said, pointing at the crescent moon out in the darkness of space. He turned to the aliens and said, “That’s no moon, it’s a space station.”

“What?” Mario telepathically groaned. “Our scans didn’t reveal...”

“Look at the size of that thing!” the kid suddenly shouted.

“I think we have lost control of this situation,” Argus admitted. “Break orbit and dump this Earthling back onto his world before we are discovered.”

As the other alien moved towards the flight controls, the kid stood with his hands in front of him as if they were shackled. He said, “Governor Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.”

The Earthling skittered over to a rounded cylinder and stood between it and the aliens. He made a small wave with his hands and said calmly, “You don't need to see his identification...these aren't the droids you're looking for...he can go about his business...move along...”

He spun around and pretended to slide something inside the cylinder. He stood up, looked around, and faced towards the cylinder again. He said, “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.“

“What is he doing to our waste ejection system?” Mario angrily telepathically asked, not expecting an answer.

The kid babbled on some more as the flying saucer skidded to a stop. As the aliens were pushing the kid towards an opened airlock, he said, “Evacuate in our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.” As the aliens shoved him out of their ship, he could be heard saying, “Watch your mouth kid, or you’ll find yourself floating home.”

As the flying saucer zipped away, the kid said to it, “When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master.” He quickly added, “Only the master of evil, Darth.”

The kid laughed and started walking down the street as if nothing had happened. He was in his own little world.