Inside my head

Inside my head, its not always a game. But I'm losing. When I look in the mirror, I only see a ghost of myself staring back. Somehow every day i get up and go through this same routine. Roll over, check the clock, give myself a quick and pointless pep talk to get out of bed. The dull thud of my bare feet hitting the hard floor makes me sick. It sounds like a ton of bricks is truing to plow itself through my house.

Half crawling, slowing I find the bathroom. Its hard, but I do my best to avoid making any contact with the mirror. Theres no way I can come face to face with my morning look. Starting the shower, I take off my shirt. I'll never understand how the tag says small, but still I'm so big. Sighing, I step into the warm water. Some days I stay in here for an hour, as if i can scrub off a layer of skin, a layer of anything. But I only ever wash away more esteem.

Today was a short shower, I put on my bra and panties. I know I shouldnt, but I turn and look in the mirror. Taking a deep breath I turn away, and dress myself without watching. I do my makeup standing on a scale, just as a little reminder of what i need to fix. Sometimes, when I look down, that little needle wont be as high on the semi circle as it was the day before. Those are my good days. Of course today isn't one of those days. I bet it was the chocolate bar I ate yesterday, I have to remember not to do that today.

Thats mom calling, time to go eat a big breakfast and pretend to be starving. Well, I kind of am, but you grow to almost like the feeling.