Guilty Pleasure

you may Never know
that you're my guilty pleasure.
another way to cause the pain
i crave so much.
i think about you
and the way your lips felt on mine
when you became the first
to kiss me that way.
i can still feel the flutter
that came with Your every kiss,
a feeling i didn't think could belong to me,
i almost couldn't breathe.
i wanted you more than i knew i should,
knew in the beginning that it was probably no good
but i followed you into that tunnel
with my lantern
believing that the signs weren't there
as long as I refused to read them.
You led me deeper into the darkness
and i followed, my eyes on you
fooling myself
thinking i had been wrong
thinking you could be right
in so many ways.
i didn't know
that you were walking away
that you didn't intend
to hand me a map
that i would be standing confused
in the dark
until someone came looking
to tell me you were gone.
i don't know why it hurts
when i should have known
but it does.
i don't know if it's the sweet memories of you
that i receive satisfaction from
or the pain
from knowing you never cared
that i seek.
i wish i could know
i wish i could ask
why the smoke and mirrors?
didn't i always say
tell me what it is you want?
i didn't know if i could be it for you
but you could have told me
either way.
Now i'm left wondering
if i ever meant anything at all
if you ever meant the smile before your kiss
or if i was another bridge to cross
another toll to pay
before you got where you wanted.
i want you to find what you need
i don't want you to come
if it's taking the wrong road,
you see after all this time
despite the ache
and self-doubt
i still worry for you.
you are my guilty pleasure
i imagine what could be said
what could have passed
and i know
you're still no good for me.