To my beloved on the occasion of her 24th birthday: Happy Birthday, Mia Katerina. |
I have wondered, deeply and frequently, What we mean when we say, "I love you." Why those three words, when so often What we really mean is far more complicated, Far more terrible, And far more wonderful Than three little words could ever possibly hold? Do we mean, "I want you"? "Your body calls me to it, Drags me into its infinite capacity To touch, to feel, to explore. In you, I find fulfillment of every carnal longing. To smell, to taste, to study your every curve Like those on a life-warmed marble statue, I would be your willing slave." Or do we mean, "I need you"? "I am but a vacant shell before you, A gaping empty void, lacking in every way But the way in which you fill me up. I long, with every breath, to breathe you in. Your essence, I want to hold it within myself So that by your presence, my own becomes More than a passing trifle, or more than a penance owed." Do we mean, "I'm lost without you"? "I wandered through my life sightless, Blind and deaf to the wonders of the world Spinning beneath and around me at every moment. You are my compass in a world without direction. Your light, your sound, your call to my very soul, Climb through my defenses, pulling and pushing To where I've always been destined to be." So what do I mean when I say, "I love you"? Do I not want you, the way that the river Rushes to join with the ocean? Do I not need you, the way wildflowers wilt For lack of a summer rain? Am I not lost without you, a wayfarer Journeying without a map? I mean all those things, But I mean so much more. With those three little words, I say, "I choose you." I choose to want you when you look your best, But also when you feel you look your worst. I choose to need you when I feel most empty, But also when I feel most fulfilled. I choose to lose myself with and in you, And to blaze trails off paths unseen. But mostly, I choose to walk my life with you, Not ahead of you, nor in front of you, But beside you as my companion. No matter how twisted the path may turn, No matter whether we journey At midnight or midday, No matter whether we can even see one another In the dimness of our own dark selfishness, No matter whether we feel The epitome of love Or the extent of overarching apathy, I choose you yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I can give you no greater vow than this, These three little words: "I love you." |