Wake Up Happy

I've had many, many horrible things happen to me in my life. I was emotionally, verbally and physically abused as a child. I've been molested, raped and witnessed things a twelve year old should not witness. I was reminded every day to be quiet and smile, not to argue or stand up for myself....basically I was trained to be a doormat. I was ignored, which was a good thing because that meant I wasn't being torn apart verbally. When I received any kind of award or note sent home from school complimenting me on whatever....that was when I wanted the floor to open and swallow me. It was then that I'd be reminded that I was NOT special in any way whatsoever. It was then that whatever I was being complimented about or awarded for was picked apart completely until it was clear to me (as young as I was) that the teacher obviously made a mistake, how could I possibly excel at anything when I was NOTHING? After a while I learned not to share my report card or awards with my parents. I protected myself in any possible way and being invisible was always the safest way to stay out of trouble. The funny thing is that I was never any trouble anywhere. I was a mouse at school, the perfect student. I was an angel while visiting friends' homes. I was the perfect child, if there is such a thing.

I believe it's in a chlld's nature to be happy. I was shy as hell, but because I didn't know any better until I was 9 or 10 years old I was basically a happy little girl! I attribute a lot of who I am to the love I received from my sister and her husband. They tried to make me feel special as often as possible. I truly believe my 'light' never died because of them. You see, I believe everyone's born with a light in their soul. Some are brighter than others. Some are golden, some are red, some are clear. I believe my light is clear and as bright as the sun. I write this still hearing my father's booming voice in my head trying to convince me I'm nothing special! That voice and those words drilled into the core of who I am is growing much weaker thank God. Sometimes I go months without hearing it and those times are wonderful. My name means 'light' which is fitting because of my belief that everyone is born with one.

Once I was 12 or 13 I realized that being shy was holding me back from having fun, it was a burden. I came out of my shell and realized I was smart and funny as well. I was also naive. I liked almost everyone and had many friends. I learned to stay away from home and spent a lot of time at my friends' homes. I realized my home life was extremely dysfunctional and I was embarrassed. I rarely brought friends to my house and if I did it was only for a few minutes, never longer. I didn't want my father bellowing from upstairs that he was trying to sleep and for me to get the hell out of the house. Now, mind you, I was not stupid, I was still a mouse at home and I was always careful not to slam doors or do anything to wake him. I surmised that he was wide awake when he'd scream at me to get the hell out of the house. I never woke him, he just didn't want me around.

Remarkably regardless of all the crap that I've endured, I believe I am a happy person by nature. I was born this way. God has watched over me, I know he has. No one could go through what I've gone through and be me. Screw my father, I AM SOMEONE SPECIAL!!!! I have a deep empathy for people. I believe in kindness in deeds and words. I do everything I can NOT to hurt anyone, even if I'm being hurt by them. The older I get the more I realize that I put everyone before myself and it's not selfish of me to start changing..... to see myself as #1 from now, to put my happiness first. I've always taken care of everyone else, which I loved at times, but I lost myself along the way. Now it's time for me to remember what it is I like to do, to eat, places I want to go, people I want to see/love, I want to live my life the way I want, no one to answer to but myself. Happiness has been hard for me to feel at times and my light has dimmed for a while as well, but I've never forgotten how to smile and my light is getting brighter and brighter. Happiness is a choice I make every morning regardless of what's going on in my life. Why choose to be miserable? Why not smile more? These are things I do even when it's a struggle to get out of bed some mornings. I always remember that my past is gone and there are so many people out there who have not been blessed as I've been. So, wake up and decide to be happy, it's always worked for me!