Still going forward

Still going forward
Well I did go to church today, which is not a big deal considering that I usually go. There is a heated discussion about the place of ministry to people that are troubled in any number of ways. It brought to mind that it is a whole lot easier to stay away from people that may get you in trouble than to risk being uncomfortable and making a difference.

My life has been filled with these stuck points and sorting out what to do with and about them. Early on I was cast into the woundedness of my brother who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. That was a tough pill to swallow, because like it or not it was my brother and I found myself taking responsibility for something and someone that I had no control of. My life has been in a tizzy ever since in and out of church, in and out of lives.

I came to the church trying to figure out to do with people that were troubled and needed help like my brother. There were two things that came to mind. First of all I was part of a family, which meant something bigger than myself. It was not all up to me. Secondly, I was for the first time someone who had something worth saying that others wanted to listen to. I had a voice. The fact that I had a voice made a big deal, because I was fundamentally beat down by my brother's illness. He was in a catatonic and for the longest time stared off into space. I feared becoming like him. The church taught me that the voice I had to share was more important that the silence that disturbed me.

I can recall my struggles at working out tensions. Sure the bible said to love others. Yet what did that really mean? Do I love people who pay no attention to me because I am different? I came to my own conclusions. I became uncomfortable as I tried to figure out how to deal with a room mate who had just lost his fiance. I was told by the resident assistants that they had it under control. Soon this roommate left and I had no idea he went after that or even why.

I announced that I wanted to be a pastor, because I was tired of being a person who was a minister undercover. I was called and yet did not like the prospect of being rejected so I took a risk and became uncomfortable. I guess that is the theme for me and I am still going forward with this in mind. For a person like me and can be too easy staying away from people that could use my help. There was always the calloused Christianity of not drinking, dancing, playing cards, going to church and the list would go on. Yet it seemed to easy!! It made me feel angry and uneasy, because I saw my brother in a catatonic and no one was doing anything about it, instead they were doing everything they could to hide it under what they were doing and not doing that had nothing to do with the reason my brother came to the hospital in the first place.

I am going forward risking discomfort, maybe at some point I will find a person I can help and heal. In the mean time I am letting God lead me, risking certain rejection because I can not believe like everybody and anybody. After all in time they could be just like my brother like it or not. I pray God take the world and in your own way bring it to you and use me to help those and love those who might not know your love otherwise.