WHAT AM I-Stella Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The car trip was long and uncomfortable. I tried to concentrate on the landscape flashing by my window, but as soon as we got outside the town limits, it turned into the relentlessly monotonous countryside -- nothing but grass and livestock.

As hard as I tried not to think about it, my mind kept returning to what Conner had told me earlier, and all the inevitable implications of everything he'd revealed in that short conversation. Worst of all, every time I considered Conner's admission that he wasn't human, my stomach twisted into knots at the feel of his hand on mine. I knew that Conner wasn't one of the bad guys, obviously. I mean, he was descended from a fallen Angel, for Christ's sake. But the words not human kept running through my head, and I couldn't even begin to imagine what kind of things that meant.

I snuck glances at him during the drive whenever he wasn't watching me, which wasn't very often. I kept thinking that now that I knew the he was different, I would see something different in his face? But all I could see were the familiar features of my best friend.

By the time the car pulled into a shabby little bed and breakfast along the side of the highway, the sun was setting outside my window and my stomach was growling. I'd already cleaned out the small supply of food in the Ford about half an hour after we'd gotten onto the road, and that was hours earlier.

I stared around the small motel lobby as Conner booked us a couple of rooms, and hoped that we'd spend as little time in this place as possible. The carpet underfoot was worn and threadbare, and it was hard to tell what its original color was. There were fake plastic plants dotted along the wall, and somehow even they managed to look neglected. The walls were a dirty olive green, and were covered with scuff marks and oily fingerprints.

Olivia looked around with unmasked disdain, mirroring, to my shame, exactly how I felt on the inside, sneering at the hunched little owner of the place as he hurried ahead of us, beckoning to Conner to follow.

The man stopped in front of a seemingly random door, and opened it without a key. It looked even shabbier than the front lobby, with walls a murky yellow instead of green, and carpet in much the same disrepair. The rubber plants, however, were absent. My eyes widened as they fell on the tiny double bed in the centre of the room, and I hoped for two singles in the second room.

As the owner opened up the next door, my eyes went straight to the centre of the room, and I stared in dismay at a second double bed. I turned, intending to ask the owner if there were any other rooms with singles, but he'd already disappeared around the corner, back towards the lobby.

William and Conner hauled their bags into the second room, and I stood with my back against the wall, hoping someone would reveal a cot or a sofa, anything that would give me a way out of sharing a bed with Olivia. The ferocity of her apparent hatred towards me seemed to have deepened the further we drove from Niceville, and I dreaded having to spend any more time with her than was absolutely necessary, the thought of having to share a bed with her was terrifying.

Olivia seemed to be thinking along similar lines, because she hadn't moved from where she stood. Conner stepped back outside his room and nearly collided with her, standing in the doorway, hands planted firmly on her hips.

"I'm not sharing with her, Conner." The contempt in her voice was obvious.

He took her in wearily, his eyes darting to me. "Can't you at least try for civility, Olivia?"

She snorted, turning to shoot me another filthy look. "She's your responsibility, not mine. I never wanted her here in the first place." The venom in her voice stung me, and I wondered once again what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so deeply.

"Fine" He shrugged, sighing. "If that's the way you're going to act, I guess I'll have to swap with you."

Her head whipped around, but not before I'd seen the horror in her expression. Apparently, this wasn't the solution to her problem she'd been hoping for.

I felt my cheeks color at the thought of sharing a bed with Conner, and unbidden, I remembered all the times Conner had stayed the night at my house. My mother always had insisted that he sleep in the guest room at the other end of the hallway, eyeing the two of us together nervously. We'd thought it was hilariously funny at the time, but now that I was confronted with actually having to sleep in the same tiny double bed as him, it all seemed horribly embarrassing, and more than a little uncomfortable.

I stared at the dirty carpet below my feet, determined not to catch anyone's eye, and felt rather than heard Olivia stalk past Conner and into the second bedroom. After a moment, Conner followed her, presumably to move his things. As soon as he was through the doorway I dragged my bags into what was now mine and Conner's room.

I sat on the edge of the bed, and was relieved to find that the sheets weren't nearly as filthy as the carpet. I flicked on the small television set that sat on a dresser at the end of the bed, desperate to be distracted from where my thoughts would inevitably lead if they were left free to wander. I idly watched a repeat of Family Guy, trying to focus on the characters instead of all the things I couldn't afford to think about.

As the end credits ran, Conner walked into the room carrying an armful of food, followed closely by William and Olivia, both also loaded up with packaged goods.

I got up from where I sat as they moved to a tiny cramped table to the side of the room and piled their stashes into a small mountain in the centre of it. They all started digging enthusiastically into the food in front of them and William motioned for me to sit in the seat between him and Olivia. I sat down awkwardly, trying to ignore Olivia's furious glare.

"Help yourself," William said around a mouthful of what looked like a chicken and mayonnaise sandwich. I looked down at the large pile of sandwiches and packaged foods in the centre of the table, and my stomach rumbled loudly in anticipation, reminding me once again of how many hours it was since I'd last eaten.

We ate in silence, the only noise seeming to come from my chewing and the rapid heartbeat in my ears. I was relentlessly aware of Olivia's glare as she stared at me over her dinner. I shoveled down as much food as I could eat in the space of a few minutes, feeling more unwanted at each passing second I spent in her presence.

When I was finished, I got up from the table and moved back to sit on the bed, wishing there was somewhere else I could escape to. I flicked the television back on and watched the flickering colors more than the actual pictures, hoping that the others would leave.

I glanced over at the table and saw the three of them huddled together, locked in a hushed conversation. I strained to catch some of their exchange but after a moment decided that I probably didn't want to know what they were talking about. I stared at Olivia who seemed to have forgotten about hating me for a moment speaking animatedly to Conner and William, and I was struck by something I hadn't realized before when she'd been expending all her time and energy on making me feel unwelcome.

Underneath her faintly sickly pallor and gaunt features, she was beautiful. I stared at her in shock, amazed at how different she looked when her face wasn't twisted in anger.

More shocking was how natural Conner looked next to her and William, all three of them with perfect porcelain features and blue eyes. I'd never really thought of Conner as handsome or even good looking, but it struck me suddenly that he was just as beautiful as Olivia. I gaped at the three of them, a sudden realization hitting me.

They were all the same.

I realized now that it was obvious, but I'd been too wrapped up in trying not to think about what Conner had told me to see what right in front of my eyes Olivia and William were both different, too. I'd known that they were somehow a part of Conner's whole group thing, but I hadn't connected the dots. I watched them in the light of my new revelation and the same two words kept repeating themselves in my mind.

Different, different, different.

The thoughts about Conner I'd been trying to keep at bay all day suddenly came crashing down upon me, threatening to crush me with their weight.

They were all staring back at me now and I realized that my breaths were coming in short bursts and my eyes were wide as I watched them. I stumbled backwards off the bed, fumbling for the door handle before any of them had even left their chairs. The last thing I was saw before I pulled the door closed was Olivia watching me with an amused expression, a small smile pulling up the corners of her mouth.

I stood in the dank hallway outside our rooms and realized that there was no where I could run to, and worst than that, it would probably only be a few moments before all three of them were standing out there with me.

I leant against the wall by the doorway and dragged a couple of deep breaths into my protesting lungs, trying to shove this new realization behind my crumbling walls of self control where I could deal with it later. The door handle began to turn and my heart threatened to break through my ribcage, and I was thankful when only Conner stepped through the now open doorway, shutting it quietly behind him.

Conner stood staring at my face with his hands held out in front of him, palms facing towards me as if to say, 'I come in peace'. Mercifully, he didn't try to move any closer.

I watched him from where I stood, fighting to think of him only as my best friend and nothing else. He took a slow step towards me and I cringed back against the wall, a dark and unfamiliar part of me wanting to scream at him to "leave me alone!"

Conner would never hurt me.

The truth was there, but it was buried deep under layers upon layers of doubt and mistrust, two things I had never experienced when it came to my best friend. My entire friendship with him suddenly felt like a lie, built on a fake image of himself that he projected for the unknowing world.

This boy standing before me couldn't be my Conner, the child I'd met so many years ago. My Conner would never lie to me about who he really was.

My Conner was...normal.

Each unwelcome and unwanted thought felt like a hand squeezing at my heart, reminding me how wrong and terrible it was to think this way about my best friend, but try as I might, these hateful thoughts refused to be ignored.

I looked back up at Conner, and my heart plummeted at the hurt he didn't even try to keep off his face. My arms yearned to curl around him and tell him that he would always be just Conner to me, my very best friend in the world, but I couldn't make myself do it. I opened my mouth to try and justify what I was doing, the pain I knew I was causing him, but my lips wouldn't form the words I wanted them to.

"Please just leave me alone." My voice was cold, unrecognizable even to my own ears, but as hard as I tried, I just couldn't force myself to take a single step towards him.

His face crumpled, and he turned away, pain etched into every line of his body as he opened the door to our room before walking in and closing it behind him. Moments later he was walking back out and into the other room, followed by Olivia and William. Olivia was wearing a smug smile, and as she passed me my fists balled subconsciously by my sides, a sudden desperate urge to lash out at her almost overpowering me.

William looked at me quickly, his eyes meeting mine and somehow conveying... understanding. I realized that I didn't feel the same way towards him as I did to Conner and Olivia, his blonde hair and blue eyes seemed somehow more natural on him. I knew how unfair I was being to Conner, but I couldn't change my feelings. My lips curved slightly upwards in the semblance of a smile as I tried to show him that I was grateful for his acceptance of my behavior. He tipped his head in acknowledgment and I was suddenly overwhelmingly glad for his calming neutral presence.

When they were all back in Olivia and William's room I walked back into mine, wondering hopelessly what I could do. Leaving that night was out of the question, but I didn't know how I could stand being around Conner for a second longer; every moment these unforgivable thoughts ran through my head felt like the ultimate betrayal, and having to be near him while I thought them, made it a thousand times worse.

I stared into the tiny room and resignedly accepted that I would have to spend at least one night in the company of Conner and his friends and flicked the light off, stumbling straight to the bed. I crawled under the covers and curled into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest and trying unsuccessfully to pretend that I was at home in my own bedroom.

All the unwanted thoughts I'd managed to keep locked away behind my walls of self control began to leak into my consciousness now that there was nothing left to distract me. I stared unseeingly at the ceiling as wave after wave of emotion came crashing down on me, trying to suffocate me. I pulled my knees tighter under my chin and fought to stifle the sobs that were ripping themselves from my chest as I tried to come to terms with a hundred different things I'd never thought I'd have to deal with. Not the least of these was the overwhelming realization that I didn't know my best friend.

All the things Conner had said in my room were playing over and over in my mind, all the things I had never wanted to find out. I whimpered as my memory dragged up the still too fresh image of Sebastian's face, and the terrifying growl that had ripped from his throat as he rounded on me, his face twisted with rage. I wished desperately that I could just fall asleep and wake up in my own bed, far away from this strange world.

I was still crying hours later when I heard Conner come into the room. I gasped, trying to suffocate my sobs, horrified at his seeing me like this. A large part of me whispered that it didn't matter; that after the way I'd treated him earlier, it was irrelevant how he saw me anymore. But I couldn't suppress the knowing that his seeing me this way would just hurt him further, and that thought just served to make my sobs louder and more apparent.

I could see him standing in the doorway, the pain and indecision in his expression obvious even in the dim light from the hallway. He took a cautious step forward, clearly unsure of how I would react.

"Stella..."

I turned away so that I wouldn't have to see the pain I was causing him. I could feel his hesitation as he stood frozen across the room, and my heart threatened to tear itself in two. A large and ugly part of me was screaming silently at him to leave me alone, and a smaller, frighteningly weaker one was begging him to forgive me. It took all of my strength to keep the larger, hurtful side of me silent.

I heard his soft footfall as he crossed the room and had to drive my teeth into my cheek to stop from turning around and screaming at him to stay away. I knew he was standing by the side of the bed now, and my sobs began to escalate towards hysteria. I felt the careful touch of his hand on my arm and jerked away from him, desperate to escape his touch.

"Please..." the hurt and distress in his voice momentarily subdued my uglier side as my need to comfort him overpowered the desire to lash out. For a fleeting second he was just my best friend in the whole world, hurting because of me.

"Conner." His name pushed itself through my sobs, my sudden overwhelming grief becoming the most powerful force in my body.

Then his arms were lifting me from where I lay, wrapping themselves securely around my frame as he sat beside me on the bed, and my darker side came back with a vengeance. I struggled against his grip, all my previous horror returning tenfold. I tried to cry out when his hold on me didn't slacken, but my sobs threatened to rip my lungs apart. I pushed at his arms, frantic to escape him.

Abruptly I became aware of a second noise, deeper than my own sobs, but filled with an even heavier sorrow. My entire body went limp, the sound of Conner's pain filling my head, draining all the fear and anger from my body. In all the time I'd known Conner I had never once seen him cry, and I was appalled that I had caused this.

I realized that I'd been so willing to believe that Conner was somehow a different person because of what he was, and that I was losing my best friend because of it. It was suddenly blindingly obvious that this Conner was the same one I'd met years ago, the same person who had saved me from years of loneliness. My best friend. I was just more aware of who he was now.

"Conner, oh God. Conner, I'm so sorry." I tried to turn towards him, but his arms were still locked rigidly around my frame. He was silent now, but his entire body shook intermittently. Tears continued to stream down my face, but for a new reason. My heart smashed painfully against my ribcage at each tremor that ran through Conner's body, and every fiber of my being wished desperately to take back all of my actions, anything to make things how they used to be. So much had changed in the course of one day.

I waited in Conner's arms for him to say something, do something. The silence was killing me. Finally I felt his body relax and a final sob escaped my lips as I knew the worst was over.