I'm Sorry

I fucked up.

I love you, Connor,
The light of my life,
The best thing that ever happened to me.

I fucked up.

I didn’t understand.
I wanted to be with him, every day, every second-
Why won’t he ask for me to be over?

I fucked up.

I didn’t understand.
It hurt to be away from him, every day, every second-
Why is he so carefree?

I was upset, because-
I didn’t understand.
I didn’t understand.

Then he made me understand, and with it came pain.

I understood.
He wanted to be with me every day, every second-
But he is a guest, and it was hard to ask.

I understood.
It hurt him less to be away, less than I,
As he was not alone. Enjoying his time here, before he returned.

I wasn’t upset anymore.
I realized I fucked up.
I fucked up.

He sat me down. He took back our engagement.
I fucked up.
He turned it into a promise ring.

Why?
I don’t understand.
I don’t understand.

He told me that PDA was uncomfortable for him.
I didn’t know.
I understand now.

He told me not to touch him.
Did I fuck up that badly?

He told me it was unrelated.
But was it really?

I accepted, I cried.

The ring became a symbol.
A symbol of love-
A symbol of pain.

Something to be cherished,
Yet,
Something to be hated.

Why did he have to take back the engagement?
Why?
why

The pain.
It’s painful for him, too,
Then why do it?

He says we’re too young, we’re kids, we haven’t dated that long-
But they feel like excuses.
I love him. He loves me.
Then why can’t we be engaged?
Why did you not feel this way before you proposed?

I want nothing more than your love.
I crave it. I need it.
Your touch, your heart,

You feel distant. Cold.
Everything feels wrong.
The spring that was your love,
It feels like it’s drying up.
I hate it.
I want things to go back.

We used to be excited to see each other.
We talked all the time.
Now there’s always something in the way.
Always something.
I crave things to go back to how they were.
I crave your love.

I crave your attention.

Please.

Don't leave me alone.
Please.