Blurring My Lines

Dear Jeffrey,

When we first met, it was pure bliss. That's always how it goes, we still portray the same cliche I'd always chosen to avoid in my writing. I wrote stories about you, describing every feature I knew like the back of my hand. We still never met face to face, but I had you memorized, your height, hair, face, weight, you were committed to my memory like I was your insane asylum. You turned me insane. You turned me into my worst fear. Soon after we met you saved my life, then I saved yours. We were depressed, leaning on each other as if our lives depended on it, and they did. We went together so easily, my mind and yours fit piece by piece, you felt like the last part of the puzzle falling into place. Everything fell into place, we talked for hours, and called, and played games. Soon enough you confessed to me that you were in love, and I stupidly fell for it. I fell for every lie you told me, such as when you said you wouldn't blame me for getting assaulted again. Something you did the next three times it happened. I fell for when you told me you would never hurt me, those photos haunt me, I was 12 when you forced my body to mature. I was your pet and you forced me to grow up too fast, the growing pains made me want to break, exactly how my mind would. I sent you photos of my most sensitive parts, and you praised my trauma. You praised my compliance to ruin my mind, and my self-image forever. You continually say to people you know that I led you on for those two years and didn't communicate. They can think badly of me, so can you, so can the world, I don't care anymore. I just want people to understand that you were not the only victim of our venomous relationship. I couldn't leave, I tried taking a razor to my wrist because you wouldn't let me leave, that failed. I considered pills, and chemicals, and fire, and growing before I finally had the strength to leave for good. If I tried to communicate to you, it'd be an issue, you got mad and yelled, and cussed me out, and made me feel less than worthless. These words will forever remain useless to you. My experience will always be inferior to you. You will never understand what it feels like to be sexually abused how you did to me. I feel dirty, and tricked, and used, and I will never get that part of me back. The part you stole. My childhood, my true innocence. I was used, and corrupted, you sexualized everything I did, including my coping mechanisms, and turned me into an obedient sex slave by the time I was 13. You were 16 then. This year I turn 15 and you turn 18. Even in my state, it'd be illegal for us to be intimate. I know you now consider your kinks as CNC, but I honestly know that if I hadn't desperately had my friend take my virginity, you would come to my state and take that time from me by force. I was your property, and now, you're the worst chapter of my life that I have finally turned away from. This new chapter is so much better, but everything is so hard. I hope eventually you realize how horrible you were, and treat others better so that they never have to endure the terrors you put me through.

Forever resentful,
Lily