What I Never Told You (Part 1)

Three years ago brought one of the hardest summers of my entire life. Many people, if not everyone around me, would probably still believe that the summer prior was the worst, as I lost over half my "family."
In reality, it came for a solid 3 months, with multiple different stages. I want this to be something that lets others know, you're not alone in what you go through. So, without further ado, lets get into it.

This technically starts before the summer, but it was hot enough that I'm gonna count it anyway.
The end of May brought one of the hardest losses for me. I had just been broken up with by my second boyfriend.
Now before you go off saying, "that's not a big deal," "everyone goes through that," and whatever else, please read the whole thing, so you understand why it was truly so difficult to me.
My then boyfriend and I had been best friends for about two years when we started going out. We understood parts of each other that other people didn't. He helped me not feel so confined in my friend group, and get to a point where I could stand up to said half of my "family" that I lost the summer before this.
In the early months, we helped each other through a lot of break downs, panic attacks, friend group problems, bullies and whatever else the world threw at us.
The pandemic ended up throwing a pretty hefty wrench in our relationship, but the wrench was there already.
Once summer holidays had ended, and we brought our relationship to school, that was where problems arose. We had a handful of main problems
1. my friends weren't to fond of him (though they weren't fond of my ex either)
2. I wasn't to keen on his friends. they were all loud, sexist, mildly racist, and just rude. (I really did try to get along with them, as he did with mine.)
3. we were in a queer passing relationship, with homophobes in the school
and some others, but they aren't as relevant.

Our summer had included a lot of dates, going out, spending time together. and it was just us, with the occasional, addition friend here and there.
I knew it'd get a little harder, going back to a heavier schedule, but I wasn't expecting everything else to cause more harm.
We did well in the first month. We organized our lunch breaks, making sure to have time with our friends, and time alone, as well as accounting for his extra curriculars.
When the end of October rolled around, I continued to believe it was all good.
He was struggling at home a bit, so was spending more time at my place, I had a Halloween party, and my friends were awful, hence a panic attack on my part, which he stuck by me through. that night turned into one of my favourites with him, solely because it felt very romcom esc.
My one friend lived a couple blocks over and decided she wanted to go home, so we offered to walk her back, then the two of us could come home together, and no one had to walk alone.
I warned him to grab a sweater, because it was cold (around midnight, on the weekend before Halloween in Canada, but definitely one of the warmer ones I've witnessed in my life.) he was sure he didn't need one, so we left.
On our way there, I could see him trying to warm up, so I put my arm around him, as to maybe help a little bit. We dropped her off, and went to head back. We hadn't made it past 3 houses, when I stopped him, and gave him my coat. He was happy in it, and this wasn't the first time he'd worn my clothes. I had a sweater under my coat, so I was covered.
When we got back, my other friend had pissed off my family, and me, if I'm honest, but decided they were still staying the night. my boyfriend and I stayed in my room, my friend crashed on the couch.

Come later November/ early December, my friends began really getting meaner, towards me and my boyfriend. I finally decided on a lunch break that was just the three of us, to have a talk with them. It turned more into a fight, that there was no way of me winning. My opinions on my own feelings and being there to defend my partner, were moot.
I left the table ready to cry-- well, on the verge of crying. I went to the spot him and I normally sat in, and while i knew he was in a meeting for a club, he knew the talk was coming, and told me he'd leave if I needed him.
I hated being the reason he left, but I needed someone to be with me. He got to our spot incredibly fast, and comforted me. My friends walked past and gave us a dirty look, but we moved on.. altogether, like that day never happened.

A few weeks later, we were walking down the hall, hand in hand, as usual, when a group of guys were mocking us for holding hands, because it was "weird."
I had never been on the end of homophobic remarks, since I was still pretty new to the whole scene, but it didn't bother me. They could think what they wanted, I knew this was someone I cared about, and they weren't gonna change how I expressed it.
My boyfriend on the other hand, took it really hard. He wouldn't continue to hold my hand. He was ready to breakdown, and even in the weeks to follow, if we passed any of those guys, he would tense up. And I did my damnedest to let him know he wasn't alone. We had dealt with stuff like this together in the year before. He got hassled in the gym locker rooms, when we had different classes. I always had my phone on me, but he would only tell me what happened after class, or after school in general. We hadn't been dating during that bout of bullying, but I still supported my friend.

Just before Christmas break came, he had made a new friend. a year older than us, and met him through one of their mutual friends.
I thought it was great, until I heard the way he talked about his new friend. it didn't take me long to see that he talked about this new guy the same way, I talked about him.
I would remind myself, every night, everything we'd been through, and that he still "acted the same," (not that that was true.)

He got more distant during the holidays, and the month to follow. He always had excuses for cancelling plans, or to not hang out general, but as a fool, I ignored it.
Through February, things felt like they steadily got worse.

(I will warn again, incase you didn't read the description, this next bit of this part will include mild sexual harassment by a partner, some inappropriate language, and the start of major depression)

So as you can guess, there is a particular realm he went down.
I have never been someone who found interest in sex, in any way, toward anyone. And he had always known that. Not to mention, I am an incredibly awkward person, so I didn't tend to initiate things.
He began getting more aggressive in the tune of wanting to have sex, constantly guilt tripping me.
and when those things weren't working, he would try to make me initiate things, even simple things like kissing. It's not that I'm opposed to kissing, I guess now I realize, I just didn't want to kiss him.

In March, just before the pandemic, that semester included art class, which I shared with him and a few of his friends.
And while that class brought one of my favourite things in the world now, it brought a lot of harsh issues.

He was attentive to me quite often, but it was in a show off manner. I didn't like making our relationship some big show, I didn't need the whole world to know, but he did it anyway.
My least favourite day came about a week into March (and while it brought the start of one friendship, which I'll touch on in another part, it brought the downward spiral of my mental health.)

For this part, I'm gonna have two people apart from myself. So in this I'm gonna refer to my partner as B and his friend as T. (and when needed myself as R)

My following class wasn't very far from art, so I was never in some crazy rush to get out, where as T and B had class on the other side of the school. Both our classes being in the same direction.
T and B were moving quick to go, and by the time I was walking out of the class, they were nearly to the turn at the end of the hall.
they both turned around and acknowledged me, with the following:
B: are you coming?
R: you go, I'm not gonna run
Before I could go back to having a thought in my head, I got to hear a sentence that not only tore my heart, but made for a situation that involved me being shattered.

As loud as possible, I got to hear;
T: hey B, tell your Bitch to hurry up.

They both looked at me and laughed. I stopped dead in my tracks, and genuinely couldn't decide what to do.
I had never been so thankful for getting close with someone. She came up behind me, talked me down and we went to class.
By the end of the day, I went to our locker as quick as I could and tried to get my stuff before he'd come for his.
unfortunately I didn't, and had to pretend I was ok.


For now my friends, it is late, and really I'm not sure if this is gonna take well, so I'm gonna leave part 1 here, and I'll write up part two the next time I've got a free minute.
part 2 will include;
what came of this comment
the break up
and potentially the first month of my "no one knows summer."


-Rose