The Reincarnation of Al Cicero

We heard a rumor that the new butler at the old Purple Cow Mansion was a man named Al Cicero. Ten years ago, we knew a guy named Al Cicero. His mother called him Alfonso. “Alfonso! Come in for dinner, Alfonso!” We used to torture the kid unmercifully because of his name. I say we. It was mainly Bones that took such a disliking to Al. But me and Mikey followed right along as usual.

Back then, there weren’t no Alfonsos in our school. We had plenty of Als. We had Gusses, and Joes, and Hanks, and Sammys, probably more Sammys than we did Als; Sammy Two-Clips, Sammy No-Sleeves, Sammy this that and the other. Sammy Morganstein used to come around, but we don’t see him anymore.

Now, if this Al Cicero truly works at the so-called Purple Cow Mansion, which we now called, “The great big house up on Brunswick Ave” because somebody completely renovated the old place and got rid of the cow. And if all that’s true, then that’s a good thing for us, or so thought Bones. We were told by a certain someone that he saw Al Cicero from the old neighborhood wearing a tuxedo going into the Brunswick house. Said he just walked right in. Said he must be a butler, for who else wears tuxedos?

Well, we found out most of this was wrong. Al Cicero himself renovated the big house up on Brunswick Ave and owns the place lock stock and barrel, but we didn’t know this then. It turns out he also owned the Oochy-Goochy, but we didn’t know that either.
Bones demanded that we stop by for a look-see and me and Mikey were a little unsure about his new plan. Bones likes to think of himself as a gangster and is real real proud of his switchblade.

But, come on, after ten years, would we even recognize the guy? We remembered him as a little squeaky fat kid with zits and blue eyes that got big when he saw us coming. He usually tried to run, but we’d catch him. He was always good for three- or four-dollars in lunch money. Bones took his shoes one time and found twenty dollars inside. Once we discovered where the kid kept his money, Bones made him hand over his shoes every school day for the next three years.

So, we go inside the Oochy-Goochy which used to be a strip club but now is a comedy club. and find the place packed with people.

We see a guy telling jokes on stage. We don’t pay a lot of attention to this clown because there’s no way little Al Cicero would ever allow himself to be the center of attention.

On the other hand, the man we were looking for didn’t seem to be in there, so our attention returned to the guy on stage. The one thing about him that most catches our eye is the fact he’s dressed in a tuxedo.

“So, I say to my wife, ‘I’m still tired from all the CrossFit this morning.’ She says, ‘It’s pronounced croissant, and you ate 4 of them.’”

Big laughs from the audience.

“What are you going to do?” the guy says, then goes into a bit about a mongoose and his mother-in-law.

It was Al Cicero up there, no doubt about it!

Bones took us outside to talk this over. Me and Mikey had hung around Bones long enough to know we needed to talk him out of whatever he was planning. We said, “No way that’s Al, he’s too tall,” and “Since when did a stuttering little snot like Al Cicero start telling jokes?” Bones says, “That’s Al Cicero in there!” and that was that. Bones is a big guy and liked to fight, and me and Mike got in the bad habit of agreeing with most everything he said.

The game plan now is to bring Al Cicero out of the club and take him somewhere we could shake him down. See what falls out of his pockets. “Come on,” Bones says.

“You boys looking for me?” came a voice from behind us.

We turn around and find Al Cicero sitting on the hood of The Bone Man’s cherry red chevy.

We all three silently stare at him. He stares back, calm as could be. Then Bones says, “Don’t you look pretty sitting up there with yo shiny shoes all shiny.”

“You always liked my shoes, Bones. You want them?”

“I want you to get your ass off of my car, that’s what I want.”

Al didn’t move. He looked perfectly at home sitting up on the Bone’s hood with his legs crossed.

” I think it might be time for you to learn some manners,” Bones said. He didn’t move forward though, like I thought he might.

Al did something then we’d never seen before. He smiled. Then he hopped down off the car and stepped toward us. “You know much about manners, Bones?”

“I know not to sit on another man’s—,”

What happened next none of us are too sure about. It could have been with his right leg, or maybe his left, but it was a spin move, we know that. It happened so quick but me and Mikey think it was a sort of backward spinning high-leg kick round-house sort of thing. Like a blur, it was there and then it was not there, and we see Bones lying on the cement. Me and Mikey were about to take off when we see Al Cicero pulling The Bone Man’s brand-new Doc Martins off his feet.

Then Al says, “Gentlemen, let me buy you a drink. Leave this pig where he is,” and walks off into the club like James Bond with the black boots under his arm. We watched him walking away for a long moment. Bones was still out cold, so, we left him there and went with Al.

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