Homesick

Homesick~

Being home felt like expecting a warm meal at the end of every day and waking up to the smell of coffee.
Home felt like not feeling guilty when you brought up that you saw a lightbulb die, or you noticed black mold on the ceiling. You didn't fear bringing up material defects, because it just meant they would be fixed.
As the structural integrity caved in, it became the new normal.
But getting new wallpaper and new furniture felt like instant gratification, a reminder that you did have a great home.
As time goes on, you forget the original color of the walls, and what things you were most excited about when buying the house.
The mortgage is paid off completely, so early in your life.
You wouldn't want it to go to waste.
You wouldn't want to tell your family, "I'm selling it."
You put so much work and money into this house to make it a home.
But you were scared to move anywhere else.
Maybe you just needed a change of pace?
You tried sleeping in the living room, on the couch.
You tried spending more time outside.
And you tried to find the source.
When did the home become just a house?
You noticed the heating unit shut off. "I guess it has been cold in here for a while", you thought to yourself.
"I hate being cold," you said.
You remembered the lights being off. You walk to the closet and find lightbulbs, "I guess these could have been put in the whole time".
You started second-guessing yourself, maybe you knew about these things the whole time. But you made it a problem by not fixing it.
Is there no one to blame, but yourself?
The more you walked through the house, the more things you found.
Cracks, broken microwave, and bad plumbing.
You started noticing all the little things, you no longer looked past them.
"Who would buy a house with all these things broken?" You said.
Is selling easier than the labor?
Is giving up easier than the work?
You wished the answers would come to you in a dream.
It didn't feel fair to ask someone for help.
If someone came to you and told you, "I need help with my house. I don't know what to do.".
Would you say, "Why did you buy it then?".
Would it be wrong to make ill-judged comments?
Or were you just blinded by how much you loved the outside of the house?
Did you only see a future with the front porch?