Hard to Love

How do you feel about love?

I just realized that all my life maybe I was such a horrible person and always wondered why didn't anyone love me at all. I was a shitty friend to so many people. Was actually never a good daughter or anything. I just don't understand why am I so bad like I am not a villian I never wanted to be. I always thought maybe one day I will find someone who loves me and I will love him till I can breathe. I thought I met him when I was in 4th. All my life no one actually cared what I was doing or how I was but the moment he came his eyes were always on me. They never moved and he never actually cared to do so. He was ready to do anything and everything for me. No one actually mattered to him except me but we were actually too young to understand it and when I did it was already too late. I lost him forever just because I wasn't there for him even as a friend for that one fleeting moment. I always wished that he will come back and realize that I will love him the way he loved me. But I was not a part of his life anymore. He was already too ahead of me to catch up. I lost my boy forever and it never hit me until I realized he is not mine anymore. Only if I didn't embarassed him that time and actually confessed to him I wonder where we will be today. He was the first person who actually made me special, I believed that I deserve attention, care, love. Just because I am a human being and I don't have to give something in return.

The only thing I realized from him was that in order for someone to love me I had to love myself. No one tells you that this will actually be the hardest journey you will ever come across. It's easier to love someone else but not themselves. I tried and patiently waited for that one moment I will feel loved again.

Years passed by as I watched that boy find his love and realized that maybe I wasn't really a huge part of his life as much as I imagined for him I was just a childhood crush but for me he was my entire childhood. Something I will remember and cherish forever.

When I actually thought I finally found real love. Just don't ask. I loved him with every part of my body which was remaining and he kept all that pieces but couldn't remember a single thing about me. He always wondered why I never felt loved by him but for that you actually have to love that person. It wasn't me and it took me a lot of time to realize that. It could never be me. I can't be his priority leave alone his world. I know he did all he could but I just didn't feel it. But I loved him with all my heart too. He was special and just the most lovable person you could ever meet. He was easy to love unlike me. He can make your day special and treat you just the way you want. Well I can just ruin your day and any hopes that you have left for love.


At the end of the day I just realized maybe love is conditional and selfish. We as humans made that into such a beautiful concept that it's hard to believe love could be cruel too.
-SK