My Proverbial Closet (spoken word slam)

Coming out, into a world that is unstable and at times judgemental. Is it worth it?

When I first poked my head out of my "Proverbial Closet" a sinking fear associated with lack of trust, worry, pain, anguish and question came over me like a wave of horror and disbelief.

I was questioning my own self worth due to social stigma and judgement. I was about to go before the toughest judges of my life, my peers. I had to stand before them as a man that would face ridicule, questions, discrimination and my life was about to be scrutinized under a microscope by almost everyone I would come into contact with from here on out.

It was a tough step and I questioned whether or not I should take that step. What I was doing was questioning whether I would live my life being true to myself and who I was. I knew at a very young age that it wasn't about what I was, it was about who I was to become and how I would impact people positively and with honour.

Opening that door could however diminish my intentions and worth to so many around me. "Is it worth it?" I said to myself. Here I was struggling with my own thoughts about "right or wrong" and I was about to step out into a world that would judge my every action, bully me whenever possible and fight against my rights as a citizen and human being.

I never had intentions of running out of this "Proverbial Closet" spitting rainbows at everyone, but I did want to come out of it with a sense of Pride in who I am and if possible, forge the way for our younger generations to have an easier time of it and face nothing but acceptance.

I knew this was going to be a tough road ahead but I had to face it. Do I remain true to myself or do I hold myself in contempt of our sociological correctness. In other words, do I show the world the real me, the all loving, strong, passionate and caring me, or do I conform to their oppression.

To be standing on the street and have someone drive by and shout "FAG" out their car window at you and throw trash at you is not something anyone wants to be faced with. The words don't hurt actually at the time, but the ramifications that followed would be my nemesis and inner struggle.

What was it that they saw in me that "gave me away" and I would come to hate myself for just wondering that, it felt oppressive and I would find myself the next time standing on the street checking myself for "the gay" so I wouldn't have to be faced with that humiliation again.

Imagine coming home and turning on the television to see a panel of respectable people discussing what kind of person you are. Whether you are capable of being a good parent, or whether you want to destroy the sanctity of marriage and worse, whether or not you are safe around children. About whether or not God himself thinks you are an abomination. All these nice people wondering about who YOU are and what rights you "deserve" or don't deserve. That, feels oppressive.

Do you know what it's like to turn on the TV and see people in other countries that are being beaten, and imprisoned and murdered because they are just like you. Is this the life I deserve or even want? That is reason enough to slam that closet door shut and never open it again. But is it?

Can I not stand up for what I believe in, or my rights as a citizen. Or do I hide away from all the negativity that is pressured on "my life", "my rights" and my sanity. It's not only me who is going to benefit from my opening that proverbial closet and stepping out to fight my own battles but those who will come after me in this cruel world that I saw through the crack in the door.

It was frightening enough to battle this alone, but to feel the need to fight this for others was not something most people would even think about. I did!
Nobody deserves to be disrespected or hated by anyone, I couldn't spend the rest of my life hating myself so much that I could not be true to me and question my own social status. So I busted that door open and came out with full intentions of being me. Just me...

I faced all the oppression and hate. I also faced my own fears and overcame them. I helped forge a better place for everyone and anyone to feel comfortable living their own lives. I learned to be me and make other people accept me, for me.

"is it worth it?"

I find myself looking towards that proverbial closet door again. Wondering whether or not I made a difference. Whether or not I will die in vain or at the hands of homophobia. Yet again I have to deal with oppression and ignorance in the golden years of my life. I mean, To just simply slip inside the "closet" again and feel safe seems to be the way. But it will make my entire life's work for not.

I have a decision to make... Do I give up, or do I give in.
I never thought I would utter those words "is it worth it" and I never imagined I would end my life's journey feeling oppressed and defeated. It is a reality that I live with and one that not too many would understand.
We live, we fight, we die...

was it worth it?