Fatherhood Journal - Toys

Toys, toys, toys! Can’t get by in this world without toys! The older you get, the bigger and more expensive the toys. Take a look at children’s toys. These days, even the baby dolls have to have batteries; they cry, the laugh and some even wet themselves. It’s hard to believe that in twenty years, we’ve gone from Tonka Toys, and Legos, to this Hi-Tech world of gizmos.

Toys are great! Um, were great, when very few of them made any noise! When I was younger, the best, neatest, coolest toys were Star Wars toys. Not only did the main characters, Luke and Darth Vader have light sabers that hid in their arms, but also the Tie Fighter and X-wing made the same noises that they did in the movie.

Now, with the advent of microchips and longer lasting batteries you have toys like the life size light sabers from the new Star Wars Movies. Not only does the translucent plastic blade glows in the dark but also they make that awesome “vroosh” sound when you move it. When you turn it on and off it makes the signature “zush.” I played…err, my daughter plays with it for hours on end.

See, these are toys that I can handle, because I can play…umm, I can tolerate them just fine. The problem with children’s toys, are the toys that are designed for children six months to about three years old. These toys are designed to help children learn their numbers, colors, letter and other such items that are important. These are things they will use for the rest of their lives!

My darling little girl opened twenty odd presents on her first birthday. For such a little kid, she was spoiled rotten. She enjoyed ripping the paper off the presents, and pulling out and hugging and/or chewing on everything. My theory is that dogs pee on things to mark their territory and toddlers lick their things. Drool marking, the soggier the better!

Eight of every ten toys she opened made some kind of noise. I know that all of these presents were from people that care about her, but everyone really needs to understand a few things:

1. No matter how much a child should like the toy, because they will learn sooooo much from it, and it cost sooooo much money; the child will have a better time playing with the twist-tie that held the toy in the box than the toy itself

2. More than two toys that make noise, is BAD! If you really want to see a parent’s last nerve, pile up twenty some toys in the back of an SUV, and let them drive a hundred miles. Every. Bump. Will. Set. Off. A. Friggin. Toy. Before you can get three miles down the road, you want to open the back door and see how many pieces those toys will break into when they hit the ground at seventy-five miles an hour. The kids won’t know, they’re sleeping through it all!

3. Toys that make noise and flash different color lights to the noise are okay. They keep a child’s attention for and average of about twenty seconds. One toy that has flashing lights is okay, but if you get an entire room full of them, it could be considered a health hazard. I’ve heard of people having seizures from certain patterns of flashing light. Also, an adult can only listen to the same ten seconds of beeping music so many times. After about three hundred it looses its appeal. (See number 6)

4. Toys will haunt you forever! Somewhere in my car is a toy. I know it is there, because every time I make a right hand turn, it starts playing this song in the highest pitched whine music that the toy makers could get it to make. I’ve cleaned out my car several times, and I have yet to find this toy. I have, however found about thirteen dollars in change, half a box of loose Cheerios, something that looks like a half melted clump of Gummi Bears and a pile of something I won’t touch until I figure out what its supposed to be. But, still no toy.

5. I will forever view Toys-R-Us as one of the lower planes of hell. This is, after all, where the majority of the toys originate, be they the quiet kinds or those evil noise making ones. And, now that I’m a daddy, I can’t play with the toys anymore. Oh, the temptation! But, I must not succumb to having fun. Dads don’t do that! (Sigh)

6. When buying a toy that makes noise, ensure it has an on-off switch. If not, put the receipt in the box with it. It is a shame to have to throw away a perfectly good toy. No one wants to mess with the garbage man like that. (See numbers 2 and 4!)

7. If it has wheels, and if you even imagine that it can be used as a skateboard, don’t buy it. Not a good idea. Trust me here.

8. Toys that move in random directions at random times will usually scare the kids and the dog. Funny, yes, but could emotionally scar the dog.

9. Anything and everything that is in small pieces, sticky, wet, gooey or such should be treated as toxic waste. OxyClean will get raspberry doughnuts out of the carpet, but not silly putty.

10. And, last but not least, people without kids: You will learn your lesson the hard way! All of your friends with kids will be more than happy to help you out!