THE NEW YORKSHIRE TIMES

         The New Yorkshire Times

In days of old town criers crowed the news of olden times;
of Lords and Kings and other things by citing clever rhymes.
But ancient verse needs new rehearse if keeping with events,
'cause reality shows where anything goes has set new precedents.

Take old bard Joel, a worldly-wise soul, for a witty old bard was he.
Said to little wife of Mabel while they sat at breakfast table
having porridge with their early morning tea:

"Since my aim is to amuse, I shall read the daily news
using nurs'ry rhymes deranged.
Thus, I'll spoof amoral capers by rewording today's papers
to reflect how times have changed."

         TV preacher, bible teacher,
         fleeced his flocks. Cleaned their clocks.
         Chased another looker. Turned out was a hooker.
         Sinful shrew. And you knew; shame on you.

         Simple Simon was a pie man making lots of dough.
         "But not with pies," said Simple Si, "my shop's a front for blow."
         All day long came user, boozer, trigger man, thief.
         Then loser, bruiser, underworld chief.

         Little Jack Horner, sent to the corner
         to watch for black and whites.
         But hookers baring wares drew his lustful stares,
         now his gang is being read their rights.

         "Basement Barry, apothecary,
         why do your sun lamps glow?"
         "So Mary Jo weeds, green coca leaves,
         and poppy pods all can grow.
         These metered flasks and filtered masks?
         For making meth and blow."

         While Bill was in the oval room
         messin' round with Moni.
         First Lady fumed, impeachment loomed,
         dang Press revealed his honey.
         "But now that Hill's in big-boy shoes,"
         the Press report with snickers;
         "His game's the same," amused the news,
         "still chasin' White House knickers."

         Lynnsie's in another jam, her drug test proved up snow.
         Now everywhere that Lynnsie went, the Feds were sure to show.
         They followed her to town of course, where likely she got high.
         And there the sheriff nabbed her source, now Lynnsie's out supply.

         Peter Cheater, spousal beater,
         had a wife he'd last mistreat her.
         Fell asleep upon the couch,
         woke up less his testes pouch.

         Tom Taum, the biker's son,
         stole a Hog and tried to run.
         But fled the scene in rainy weather;
         they found him crushed in sun-dried leather.

         Thieves have money plenty, their pockets' full of dough.
         Five new fancy T-Birds stripped in a row.
         As the parts are processed, the fence he gladly pays.
         Off to shopping malls again, need four-door Chevrolets.

         And here's an old woman who's done turning tricks;
         too old to work in brothels, much less compete with chicks.
         So she sent her oldest daughter and brother Moe as pimp,
         out to work the corner stoop so she won't have to scrimp.

         "'Oh piddle piddle!' said a dealer in the middle
         'tween two g-men undercover.
         Found guilty by his peers, judge gave him twenty years.
         Now he's in the slammer as Big Bubba's lover.

"Says here my dearest Mabel that in Motown by the lake,
half the cops are under paid, the rest are on the take."

         "'Hey, there black man, have you any crack?'
         'Yes sir, yes sir, triple dime sac.
         A dime for my dealer, another for my pay.
         One for the cruiser cops to look the other way.'

         "They have a crooked Mayor who milked the crooked trades
         by rigging crooked contracts and bribing crooked aides.
         He paid off crooked judges and twice-as-crooked clerks,
         then forced his crooked bagmen to split their crooked perks.

         "Slippery, slithery Don.
         The only witness gone.
         The judge decreed, 'mistrial indeed!'
         Snickering, sniggering Don.

         "Petty crime thief had lost his teeth
         in fisticuffs with a cell mate.
         Now minus his bite, refuses to fight
         with anyone twice his weight.

         "Two doper dodos went to the ghettos
         to buy a few baggies of crack.
         Got robbed of their dough, including their blow,
         and all but the clothes on their back.

         "Mobster's lawyer paid the judge off.
         Mobster's lawyer got the case tossed.
         All the Don's power, all his button men,
         kept the wily gangster out of State pen.

         "Three blind vice; once trained vice.
         No more legit. See how they split.
         They seize the dope from collared guys,
         then pocket the spoils not tagged as buys.
         Have you ever wondered how narcs survive
         as three stained vice?

         "Handed teller open tote demanding all her cash.
         Five and twenty bank notes, she gave him half her stash.
         Bragging he's in clover, but dye pack snuck in place.
         Now he's red all over, it blew up in his face.

"Now the papers say out west
where the public is oppressed and corruption's never banned.
'Tis a place called tinsel town
where the strangest ones are found running loose 'round La La land."

         "All across the border they fled,
         the Juan's that stole the diesel.
         They found the rat who tipped the Feds.
         POP! they whacked the weasel.

         "Another priest is going down, offed his gown, kissed kid's crown
         while in his rectory.
         Father Joe is not around, wears a frown, he's downtown
         charged with a felony.

         "Mary's in a dicey mess,
         her test kit showed up pink.
         They found her lover shot to death,
         now hubby's in the clink.

         "Little Miss Wanda, revving up a Honda
         daring any dragster that she saw.
         Along came a Spyder and peeled out beside her,
         and both were nabbed for speeding by the law.

         "Wee Willie Winkie liked to show his pinkie.
         A pervert out again on bond, teased the boys of which he's fond.
         He'd flash his digit as a lure; t'was not his finger, that's for sure.

         Rudy Ruby, twinkled-toed dude
         kissed the boys but girls refused.
         In the bars where lots o' men stag,
         Rudy Ruby's dressed in drag.

         "Madge and Meg went off to bed, holding hands together.
         Madge lay down as Meg came round
         with whips and gothic leather.
         With braided thongs and rubber dongs,
         they both climaxed each other.

         "Psycho man, freed from jail.
         Delayed killer case out on bail
         when he blackjacked, knife attacked
         victim number nine.
         Why's this nut not doing time?

"Well I'm sorry to disclose that there's no more twisted prose.
But if wait 'til evenin' tea, sixty channels on TV
will flood the air with freaks and crime-filled shows."