Complex Numbers

I Kid You Not

Let's get this out of the way up front: I don't hate kids. There's this persistent binary belief that you either have to love something or hate it, and there's no range in between. I also don't hate dogs; I just don't want to own one or be in a place where someone's biting my ankles. So this Lifehacker article appealed to me, despite the source.

    The Best Places to Go When You Don't Want to Be Around Kids  
You don’t have kids, and you don’t want to hang out with kids. Here’s how to find places to live, vacation, and go out where you’re guaranteed to be child free.

Besides, would you trust a single, childfree dude in his 50s who says he "loves" kids? I didn't think so.

There are a lot of reasons someone might choose to be child free, either for a short time or permanently. Some folks just don’t have any desire to be parents, some can’t afford to be parents, and some parents just need a break from their kids from time to time (which is totally normal and okay).

"I just don't want to" should be a more acceptable answer to "Why don't you do [something]?"

Of course, just because you’re not bringing any kids doesn’t mean other people won’t. Some folks seem to believe that children should be welcome everywhere, in every situation, no matter what.

And that's the other part of it: it's usually not the children who are to blame; they're basically AI being trained on a data set. It's the parents who ought to know better.

Whatever the reason, you can’t always guarantee you’ll have a child-free experience—unless you plan ahead and choose your destinations wisely.

Well, I'm purposely going to Europe in the fall, when most kids are stuck in school. And my primary interest involves various forms of alcohol. This doesn't stop parents from showing up with their little accessories, but it does cut down on the volume involved.

So, where are these magical places, these anti-Disneylands, according to Lifehacker?

55+ communities

Yeah, no, I'd have to learn how to play golf.

Child-free resorts and cruises

Maybe as a last resort. (Damn right pun intended)

And if you’re looking for a really adult resort, you can seek out “sex-positive” vacation spots where you can let it all hang out.

Hard pass. See, this is my problem with everything in general: "Adult" shouldn't necessarily imply sex. Sometimes you just want to chill with people who talk about something other than Bluey, or whatever the kids are into these days.

Restaurants

If you’re just looking for a night out without dealing with screaming kids or misbehaving pre-teens, finding an adults-only restaurant is just the ticket. While many restaurants aren’t specifically no-kids-allowed, there’s a growing trend of restaurants advertising themselves as “adults-only,” promising a dining experience free of chicken fingers and the buzz of multiple screens designed to (hopefully) keep youngsters occupied while the adults attempt to have a conversation.

I've mentioned at least one of them in here before, I'm sure. But it's not too difficult to just avoid any restaurant with the word "family" in its name or description.

Spas

I'm not really in their demographic, either.

Lame list, after all. Let me tell you how I avoid kids:

Travel alone.

Airline upgrades (you can barely hear the wailing from up there in first class).

Bars, especially dingy dive bars.

Wineries. I'd say breweries, but many of them are family-friendly by design. Which doesn't stop me from going there, of course.

Cigar lounges. For obvious reasons.

Casinos. Occasionally, you'll see some harried parents rushing their kids through the casino aisle, but the draw of a casino isn't the gambling; it's that anyone under 21 is generally prohibited.

Thing is, though, it's not like I build my life around avoiding kids. The misbehaving ones, sure, but that risk is minimized by going to less family-oriented places and/or going somewhere (like a beach, say) during school months. I dislike dense crowds in general, whether or not kids are involved.

In short, this list sucks and was obviously put together on a short deadline.