My Conversion Story Journal

August 12, 2024

On Sunday I had my first meeting with the Beit Din (Jewish Court). I was prepared to be in a room with 3 men (there were 4), but being prepared mentally doesn't always work. Just because I knew I was going to be in a room with a bunch of men, didn't mean that my body and brain would respond properly when I was actually sitting there.

When I got to the room, they were in a closed meeting. How did I know they were in a closed meeting? I could hear them yelling through the door. I knew that when I walked into the meeting room, they would not be yelling at me. However, that knowing did not make my brain and body respond with ease anyway. I was shaking and constantly on the verge of tears the entire time. I couldn't say anything properly, and I know I missed a great opportunity.

Even though I understand my reaction and worked to overcome the natural response of freezing, I didn't, and I'm sad.

They told me to read the Shulchan Arukh. It is a five volume set of laws.

I came home and bought the set. It was $152. It is already delivered and sitting on my living room floor. Since it is Tisha B'Av (in less than an hour) and you can't do anything that makes you happy on the day of mourning, I did not open the box.

I will read them, and I will continue to do whatever they want me to do. Next time, I hope I am more my normal self.

G-d is in control and everything happens for a reason. I leave the meeting on G-d's hands and keep studying and working towards my goal.

I love you Hashem with all that I am.