From June 21 Onward

Melancholy (Capital "M")

August 9, 2002

         It's been a while since I've said this, but I am in
a state of Melancholy. I capitalize "M" for a reason. It
isn't the ordinary definition of the word, but one that I
custom-tailored to describe my feelings in times like
this. My definition: A state of severe sadness as the
result of recent events that hurt emotionally, and the
confusion surrounding them.
         Now that that's cleared up, allow me to explain
why. Tonight I went to a "movie night" thing at my
friend's house. The Corvette was there...And recently
my ideas about "us" have been along the lines of
"maybe we can be friends again...Perhaps not the
same as it was, but good friends nonetheless." My
hopes were crushed at the end of the night.
         I noticed that the host and she had been sitting
pretty close all night. I had my suspicions, but I
suppressed them. It wasn't until the lights came on that
I saw them holding hands in "the special way". Then a
total rush of darting thoughts flew across my mind in a
single instant immeasureable in time units.
         I've been kind of wondering about it all night. I
learned that they'd been doing this for a little while now.
I also learned that she didn't wanna "go out", but just be
"close friends", so that a "breakup" wouldn't be such a
huge impact. Please. Doesn't she remember what
happened to us? We were "close friends", and it ended
in my near-emotional-destruction. I don't know how it
was for her, but it didn't seem to hard. My point is, just
because you aren't calling it "going out" doesn't mean
that such things won't be tremendous on the emotions.
Especially when you throw in physical things like the
"special" hand-holding.
         My second question for myself was, "Why are
you letting this affect you so much?" Others around me
are obviously oblivious to my feelings about the whole
thing. I keep telling myself, "You don't like her like
that...Not anymore." So why? This is what I figured (or
justified):
         She doesn't know what she's getting herself
into. She doesn't know guys. I've known her for a while
now, and she easily falls prey to the projections and
masks so many guys use. Nothing against him, he's my
friend, and a cool guy. I just don't think he's right. I'm
not saying that I am, but I really don't want to see her
with someone that will just hurt her.
         So that's my whole take on this. Writing it down
helps to sort out my thoughts, though there are some
stray emotions that I can't quite grasp yet. They don't
seem to have anything to do with her, but they came
tonight. I think I may know kind of what they are. But I
can't be too sure. I'll mull over it a bit longer.
         I just can't wait until I finally find that right girl
that I don't have to worry about doing stuff like this.
When I no longer have to spend countless nights
sleeplessly, looking under the same stones in my head
that I've been looking under for days. I hate this junk
that people call "just high-school crap". If this is what
high school is gonna be like for the next three years, it's
gonna be long and painful, I don't care how much
graduates say it goes fast.
         Well, there it is. That's the emotional
rollercoaster that is my life. I just wish there was
another rider.
         Recommended listening: Every Rose Has Its
Thorn by Poison. I know I've used it before, but it just
seemed so fitting. Goodbye again.

~ Dris ~