I knew this would happen...

did I say closure?

physically ill
unhealthy relationship from the start
to find a magazine from my first pregnancy
from conception to birth
so see what I have lost
to then find an ultrasound of my second child
looking like a little baby at 18 weeks
realizing the child that is no longer was only a few weeks younger than that ultrasound
a kick in the stomach
and then again to realize that he could not be there for me even then
even then when I really needed
I was going to say him
but what was he to me
I look at pictures of him now, and I feel nothing
except confusion
I look at him now and realize that I didn't know him
a learning experience?
it is making me bitter