The Very Secret Diary of Circe

STORY- Black Death

19th November 1646

Today is wonderful. William just proposed to me in the garden. Of course I said yes! How long have I waited for this?

I can remember it exactly. He kneeled, probably ruining his nice trousers, and said "Constance, Will you be my Bride?"

I could have fainted right then! I was beginning to think he would never ask me. We've known each other for so long. He told me though that he'd already spoken to my father of this matter months ago! Such secrets he keeps from me!

I must go speak to my mother about a wedding gown. I want to be the most beautiful bride there ever was! I will make William the happiest man I can. Just think, very soon I shall be Mrs Constance Darius!


22nd November 1646

It's raining today. Father is upset about that since it is he was going hunting in the woods today. I don't mind though.

Mother took me to church to have the Father Giles bless me for the marriage. Personally I think she just wants to flaunt around the fact that her daughter will soon be married to one of the richest men in town! But I mustn't speak of her so; she is a good woman but sometimes I fear she's too prideful.

I spoke today to Mary Adic about the marriage and she thinks that William is the wrong person for me to wed. I think she's just jealous. She may be my friend but she has always been so very lustful. I fear she may wish him for herself.

Tonight we went to a ball together, William and I, and it was such fun. We danced til we were dizzy!

Than he took me out into the garden and we wandered under the stars. Then he kissed me and I was shocked! I was a proper lady. I did not kiss in garden with a man I wasn't yet wed to! Although I did find myself utterly unable to fight him off. When we finished kissing he called a carriage to take me back home.

Tomorrow I must confess my sinful, wicked thoughts to Father Giles.

25th November 1646

First thing in the morning I confessed to Father Giles. He said William was a good man not to let me tempt him further than I already did. He assigned me four Hail Mary's.

William bid me to meet him in the woods and I did. I am almost ashamed to speak of what happened between us there. Needless to say it was nothing that a man and woman should take part in outside of marriage. But how can giving myself to him be wrong? Do I not love him with all of myself? I hope God does not hate me for my sin. The wedding is tomorrow anyway. Soon the sin will be forgotten.


27th November 1646

The wedding was beautiful! I am now a respectable married woman! I moved into Williams's house and I must admit I was afraid. I have never been away from my mother and father. I hope I can be a good wife to William.


29th November 1646

There is talk about town that people are falling ill with a horrible ailment. Father Giles told us in church that it was because people in the shire have been wicked and sinned too much. He can only mean me! I feel victim to my lust and seduced William in the woods. Sin comes through woman more easily; Father Giles has said it many times.

I must repent immediately. I must ask the Lord's forgiveness for being such a wicked girl!


30th November 1646

I told Father Giles my sin and he said I was right to tell him. He said that the disease called the 'Black Death' was my fault and many people would die for it. He said that there were not enough Hail Mary's to right the offence to God.

I went home in tears sorry for the harm I had caused. I told William this and he said it was foolish.

"God would not punish everyone for the sins of one."

I argued with him. "But don't you see? My sin was double. Not only did I break my chastity, I seduced you to be wicked!"

He laughed and kissed me. "Constance, we are not wicked. We are human. If God is so kind and loving he will know that. Never believe anything done by God is your fault."

I smiled. It seemed to make sense but I'm so muddled. I don't wish to be the cause of hurt for others.

William went into town to do his work at the orphanage. He's such a kind man to help all those poor children.


2nd December 1646

William fell ill yesterday. Is God punishing my husband for questioning his ways? He stays in bed all day and at first I thought he merely had a chill. But then came convulsions so strong that they almost broke the bed. His temperature was so very high and then he began vomiting. And today great swellings have appeared upon him. Black in colour, they seem to hurt him terribly. I had not left his side since he became ill but when he fell asleep I took a carriage to the church and threw myself before the holy alter.

Lord, please heal my husband. I have asked nothing of you in my life but I ask this now. Don't let my love die for I could not survive without him.

I reached the house soon after and rushed to my husband's side. Even though it was winter and I was dressed quite thinly, I felt warm, like as on a hot summer day. William groaned in his sleep and I waited silently for God to heal him.


3rd December 1646

God has betrayed me.

My heart hurts terribly. There are no words to describe the feeling of loss and loneliness that now consumed me. I didn't know I was even capable of feeling this way.

They will bury William this afternoon.

Father Giles wishes to perform the last rites but I won't let him near my husband. God didn't heal him. God stole my husband from me and left me alone.

I hate God.

I, of course, couldn't stop Father Giles from presiding over the funeral. That couldn't be helped. I felt so cold inside but outside I was burning up. I wore the thinnest of clothes out in the snow but still sweat was beading on my brow.

I fear I may have a fever.


4th Demember 1646

I have the Black Death. I feel it. As yet I see no tumours upon my skin but that may yet be coming. I feel so weak with pain and can keep no food down.

My tears have all dried up and I have none left to cry. For William or for myself. Father Giles wants to come bless my soul but I spit on his blessing. I don't want the blessing from a God who would cause me such pain.

My body flies into fits every now and again as if the devil himself is inside me. Well, if Satan wants me, let him take me!


5th December 1646

How close death is. I can almost feel its clammy hands reaching for me. The boils that were on William are now plaguing me. The pain! Never had I though I could endure it! How I wish I could die. How I wish I had the strength or energy to ask someone to kill me.

Father Giles gave me the last rights. I hate him! I said I didn't want them! I don't want to go to God.

Every fibre of me aches. I feel I am dead already.

Soon, Constance Darius will die. And Satan and I shall dance eternally by the fires of Hell.









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¸.·´¸.·*`·-» Circe, The Fallen Goddess
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