My True Soul

Just a day, I suppose.

I had one of the best nights tonight. I didn't do much, it was just about being with friends. I've had so much stuff in my head over the last week. So much stuff with Sarah. I wanna talk to her so badly. But I probably won't get to. I miss her, as usual. But, god, I hate how I enclose that part of my heart that lets me feel that love. I want so badly to touch her and hold her, god. Just hold her and SHOW her that I love her. We had a conversation at lunch today about portraying emotions. I can show, I think I was one of the few who can show, but yet I'm in a major long distance relationship. I can't type, I can't speak, it's in my actions that you can tell, in my eyes. Sarah never really gets the full effect of my actions nor can she look into my eyes. It really sucks, but obviously, she knows... or can tell enough to know. The entry before this one is the best I've ever said how I felt about her... I just... that was at like 3 am and I wasn't thinking, that was what came out naturally. That was my heart when it's wide open, that's how I am.

Anyways, I just miss her bunches and I love her. I hope that things turn out well for us. I'm so scared at the moment, I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't wanna loose her as a lover. I really don't. Part of me says "you'll date other girls," the part that is trying to make my heart cope with the possibility of loosing her. The majority of my heart and mind is saying that I'd be a total retard to ignore what I have with her... it's amazing. I know that part of my heart is right. I have all these defense mechanisms to keep myself from getting hurt. =/ It's bad.

Ah, so, Hepher (Steph) is home right now. I've missed her so much. She makes me feel good to be around. I don't know what it is. I laughed the other night and said maybe I just found comfort in people not being from here. She hugs and all this stuff and god, I like hugs, lol. I've never had a hug that didn't make me feel uncomfortable until she came along. We went to her house tonight, it was a blast. Just, fun. I'm worn out though. Didn't sleep enough, then stayed mostly busy for 4 hours.

I just realized something else. I realized how much I'll miss my friends. Sometimes, they really are my shelter from all the crap I'm going through. I like being around them. Sean and I have gotten closer and it's not so weird to pick on him now and joke around with each other. Just normal stuff, it's weird for me to feel like that towards most people.

I watched Donnie Darko the other day. Brian brought it. He'd told us about it before. He has a really good knack about watching movies that no one has heard of, but they're good. I loved the principle behind this one, the time travel, etc. Anyways, watch it if you wanna ponder about something cause I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.