Life as we know it sucks

Always pissed

Current mood: frustrated

Current song: Dead Poetic

I feel as if I am striving to great lengths to win Jacob over. I feel like he feels nothing for me sometimes. Or like he doesn't believe that I love him. Man fuck this! I hate this. It's stressing me out. I am so stressed right now and I'm so fucking irritable. It's not PMS. It's him. Sometimes he just turns me off so badly. But I can't help that I love him. That's the only thing that keeps me here. Waiting. I hate waiting. I hate waiting for him to decide how he feels. I hate waiting for him to decide whether anything's going to happen. For some reason I am so pissed. Pissed about something unexplained. I never know anymore.

And I'm always stressed. Always choleric. Always pissed. Always in pain because of the migraines from some unknown source. <sigh> I'm not all that sure what's wrong with me. Maybe I am wasting my time with Jacob. Should I seriously bother with someone who wont trust me even though they say they will? Should I bother with someone that won't accept that I love them even though I have so many stupid thoughts? (And if he is reading this, so help me God, I will die...) But the thoughts barely change my state of mind. I don't know what to think. I have absolutely no answers.

I'm missing Matt something terrible. Sure everything was so confusing with him. But I hate that I'm not as happy as I was with him. Fuck him! Fuck you bastard! I'm only depressed because you made me this way! I just want to chop out his vocal chords so I don't have to hear the "ha ha, I'm so happy without you" gloating voice. God I hate him. And I want to die. I demand gunpoint. I demand my life to end. Right here. Regrets galore. Who fucking cares though?! NOT I! I'm sick of this pain I endure. Whether physical or emotional. I hate it all! I hate myself and want to die.