Personal Journal

Friday A.M. Thoughts

As is the case most days, I should be working.
It’s busy this Friday at work. It makes ignoring my responsibilities a little more striking on my conscience. I’m debating putting headphones on and listening to some music. That takes me out of the maelstrom, and I usually only wear headphones when I’m doing real work, so it’d give me that much more cover.
Sure, why not. I’ll listen to the soundtrack from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Mostly instrumental except for two songs (one in Chinese, so it’s the same thing as being instrumental). I like to listen to music that has singing in languages I don’t understand. I enjoy that so much because the words can mean whatever I want them to mean, depending on my mood. I like the Gypsy Kings, and I like this soundtrack. And lots of instrumental musicians, Joe Satriani being my most favorite.
I enjoy isolation so much. I find ways to create it for myself even when I’m in public. Mostly I like it because I’m more insecure than I realize, and to find myself oblivious to the presence of any other sentient thing provides me with the greatest sense of security in the world. Some people like warm cozy fires with winter snow falling outside. I just like to find myself alone.
I’m having some problems with this impetus lately because I have a live-in girlfriend, and I’m starting to find myself thinking “Please leave me by myself.” Very strong thing lately. And when I write, I enjoy being alone – heck, I can’t really write with people around. Excepting when I’m at work, because I’d have to be here anyway, and so too would the other people. But I have my own reasonably secluded cube, and I stare into the corner with the computer, and people really can’t make their presence known to me. Plus, I work with one division and I sit with another, so there are a lot of people around who don’t have any real need to interact with me.
I’m doing a bit of a free-write this morning. I’m not in any particular mood, which is nice. Emotions can put a filter over my perspective through which I see an entire day. I’m bogging down a bit in my ability to keep this free-write going. I guess you’d have to say I’m happy this morning. No doubt the Vicodin helps. I’m on a little today, because of back pain – that’s a long story, and I don’t really want to dwell on it because when I start telling people about it, I start to feel like I’m seeking pity. My back’s been fine for months, but over the last 10 days, I’ve some incidents, and yesterday was bad enough that I had to leave work and lie on the couch for the rest of the day with ice. Oh, heck, I had a herniated disc last year for a long time, and it ended up needing surgery, which seems to have fixed it. I consider this last couple of incidents a blip in the road. A reminder that I need to exercise regularly, and lose some weight (it helps a ton – I’ve gained 20 pounds since my surgery). But I’m back in weight watchers, so I know I’ll drop some weight if I stick with the program, which I will.
I actually had some interesting insights to write about this morning. I guess the crazy Friday atmosphere has robbed me of them for the time, so I won’t bother trying to recapture them. I’ll get to work for a change.



It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn