My True Soul

Did you know you've got dirt on your nose? Just there...

I decided I may as well stay up all night. (Saturday night) I'm wide awake. But unfortunately, I like sleep. I know why I sleep so much at home. I know why I sleep so much in general. Sleep is blissful. It's however many hours of a time where I don't have to think and yet, I still get to wake up and be alive. But when I'm at home? I sleep that much to avoid having one more aspect to think of when it comes to my parents.

Tonight my parents and their best friend were watching Margaret Cho. For those of you who don't know who she is, she's a comedian. And as far as I know, she always incorporates something about homosexuals into her standup routine. They won't laugh at all about that part of her show. My dad leaves the room. He comes back in later and goes into "I used to like her, but I hate her voice now. And now that she has this stuff in her show (the homosexual stuff) I don't really like her at all." Their friend agrees and so does my mom. I don't expect everyone to accept my lifestyle, nothing is ever completely accepted. But, I wish those closest to me would. It reminded me of the time when the move, The Truth About Jane, was on. My dad had been asleep, he woke up when Jane's mom was at a PFLAG meeting and they were all going around telling about their kids being gay/lesbian.... he started in with "what's this shi*?" and other comments. Not to mention him slamming doors/cabinets/things in general around after he'd found the note where it said I was attracted to the same sex.

I was never a bad kid, I never have been...but this, me, being who I am, I'll break their hearts. And some days, I truly wish to end up falling in love with a guy just so my life will be easier. Sometimes, I try so hard to pretend I'm not really attracted to girls. I have a harder time now when I try to do that...it makes me miserable. Part of me feels broken because of that. And since I'm an only child, I feel as if I have some duty to be everything they've ever wanted in a kid. It's all hard. It's like, here I am, I try my hardest to be who they want me to be. To be a problem-free kid, a kid who they're proud of....but I have dirt on my face constantly and I wipe it away before they see it...but the one time they did see it...it was like I was covered in mud.

I just told my kitten she had stinky breath and she looked at me like "Hah, like you can talk!"

And tonight - sunday night, I ran into the girl that I slow danced with during the Homecoming dance. I was with my parents and it just made me think of how it might be with a gf, the hiding, the lying, the sneaking. But, I'm already good at being sneaky with them. It made me think how much I liked just being with a girl.

So now, here it is, Monday night. I still feel like if I could just stop feeling attracted to girls that everything would just be peachy with my parents.

I've been thinking even more about Sarah. I know I haven't gotten over her. I keep going back to thinking about this summer, to thinking about all our conversations, to how I want so badly to just hold her now a days, and to go to her when I don't feel good (tho, I don't know why I feel like I could go to her now, I didn't the last several months we were together). I could have spent my life with her, easily, I remember that. I still can see it. Coming into my house, finding her there, her doing whatever it is in this daydream, and things being as affectionate as they sometimes were with us. Hearing her laugh and speak and be happy. But worse than the effect of her voice on me is her smell. I still have things of hers in plastic bags...they still smell like her...and they still make me want to cry. They remind me of sitting on the damn-blasted stairs that night and holding her. But worse of all, my heart and a small smidgeon of my mind thinks I should tell her I still have feelings for her. It's all "yes, tell her, it'd make you feel better...it'd make things better....you wouldn't have to hide things. And hey, ask her if she thinks about you anymore, at all? Ask her if she ever thinks about that stuffed animal you gave her, if she ever holds it anymore, if she ever wears your T-shirts anymore, all of it!" And my mind, overwhelmingly says "NO! YOU WILL NOT DO THAT!" and then ends it. My heart is the cute lil puppy or kitty that is so determined while my mind is the dog or cat that smacks down the lil one.
And I hate long drives...it gives me time to think thoughts like that one. To daydream. To think of what might have been, what might be. And to remember that we did discuss getting back together if we hadn't found anyone in several years. And to realize, through everything, she might be my soulmate. Then to think about that and wonder if I really want her to be my soulmate.

I also talked to Halee tonight. We talked about the things with Sarah, some. We talked about my other feelings. She asked me how I felt about her, as clear as I could have ever put it, I told her once more I didn't have feelings for her. That I didn't think I ever would like that. I feel sorry for her, but, no... you shouldn't like someone because of that. She fussed at me for still having feelings for Sarah. The love I had with Sarah could have lasted a lifetime and part of it will.

And my parents and I ran into one of my mom's friends today. This lady had 2 kids. Michael and Heather...I remember them from when we were young. Heather was maybe 5. Michael was about 9. Well, they've, lol... grown. Heh, was kinda bad. I saw Heather, noticed that I liked how she was dressed, that she was really adorably cute, then, then, we realize WHO it is. Heather's blonde and it tis a rare occasion for me to think a blonde is cute, but it does happen, just saying it's the most rare of all hair colors for me to find attractive. Along with blue eyes, lol. *grins* I think it's the same principal as Romeo & Juliet. Most everyone LOVES that story, so I gotta not like it as much. =) Most everyone I know loves blondes with blue eyes, so, nope, I can't. =D Anyway, she reminded me of a younger verision of myself.

I think i'm gonna go now, 7:15 am comes early. I probably will think of something else I was gonna comment on, but oh well, it'll have to wait until later on.