Mental Meanderings

Priorities, Willpower, and Action.

It feels good to finally be getting something done and even though I know I'm wasting more time than I'm using I don't feel like an anvil sunk to the bottom of a sewage filled mire. Now instead of being fully submerged in the filth I've just got it up to my waist and I'm slowly pulling myself out.

Then again with the way I've been feeling lately that could change in an instant. My emotions have been everywhere and I realised last night that I might be considered manic depressive. I normally have mood swings that are fairly rapid but of late it's been beyond rapid, from one instant to the next I cannot fathom what I might feel. It's chaotic to say the least.

What I do know is I don't like feeling so out of control of myself. I don't like feeling that I have no power. My writing empowers me and having returned to it in this time of turmoil I already feel the difference. Now if only I can turn this into something productive. Get a book completed and I'll have accomplished a dream I keep torturing myself for not slaving away hard enough for.

Priorities, I know, I have my priorities and personally I think they can be a little screwed. Sure I have my kids and they always have to come first by why does that mean I have to come last? I know I did the same thing in my marriage, I was the least of my problems. But my writing needs to become a priority. But how can I justify no keeping up with housework in favor of writing? I can't, and truth be told writing or attempting to write or pretending I'm attempting to write often becomes a reason not to do housework.

Willpower, I've never had strong willpower and more so now than on so many previous occasions. I know the theory of setting achievable goals and managing time and all that but I have so far been unable to stick to any sort of planning longer than a few days. Even a meal plan is beyond me. I have a meal plan on my fridge but more often than not I completely disregard what it says. Perhaps I am undermining myself even there.

How do you work structure into a life that has so far enjoyed it's chaos? I'm getting Dr. Phil echo's in my head. Pay off, Pay off, Pay off. lol I just admitted that a part of me at least enjoys the chaos of not having to follow plans or rules or set designs. But in truth by not doing these things I suffer. I need to find a way to increase the payoff of doing the things that need to be done and decrease or even remove the payoff I get from disregarding my plans or failing to set them.

At least I'm moving forward. Planning and setting goals and ideals in my mind is progress. But it's so easy to think of these things and much harder to put these things into action.