Straight No Chaser

Irie

mommy's party went beautifully. i was happy. i'm happy for her. she got over the whole oh god i'm fifty hump and she had a great time. as my godfather pointed out this evening, "you have two choices. either turn fifty or die." simplistic, yes, but also perspective-inducingly true. plus she got a black leather cole haan tote and some brown suede office accoutrements that she wanted. even though she lost miserably at whist.

everyone was shocked that there weren't any shocking fiascos. "wait a minute, shannon put this together? i guess the kids really aren't kids anymore." no, no they're not. like me, most of my mom's friends' kids are older teenagers or twentysomethings, college students or college bounds. no one has grandkids yet, because we kids need our chance to be yuppies first. there's really no rush for her to start feeling old, particularly when she could pass (easily) for mid-thirties, and when i still call her "mommy" in public. i tried to tell her that. she still wouldn't let me buy candles for the cake.

everyting cool. no, that's a lie, but i can't be bothered to figure out what everyting is, right now. maybe the honesty survey will help me along.

1. honestly, where are you now?
in my dad's office.

2. honestly, have you ever failed a subject in high school?
no.

3. honestly, what's on your mind?
that i'm ticked off with myself for taking too long on the phone with delta just now; i was supposed to call marcus back when i was done but by the time i did he was asleep. here's where i suppress a really evil generalization about the quality of those telephone representatives in the ticketing department. also on my mind is aaron's last few journal entries. that goes for both aarons. also, i'm feeling fat because i ate approximately sixteen pounds of party food this evening. that's about it.

4. honestly, what is it that you really should be doing now?
sleeping. i've been up since eight-something and there's a chance i have to go to church in the morning.

5. honestly, have you brushed your teeth today?
multiple times.

6. honestly, who are your best friends in the world?
they know who they are and so do you.

7. honestly, who is the hottest person you know?
personally? hmm. i mean, i'm not so affected by "hotness," as it were. coolness is what turns me on. comfort. security. the same kind of stuff you can get from a lightweight cotton blanket. but, i mean, to be fair, i think marcus is pretty hot, naturally.

8. honestly, are you a good friend?
i wonder sometimes. i mean, i definitely try, and those who know me agree that loyalty is my strongest suit. but maybe i do the wrong thing sometimes. maybe i look down my nose just a bit. maybe i put certain people above others without considering the feelings of everyone involved. maybe i need to work on my sensitivity, on keeping my interactions with everyone wholesome and appropriate. but, i mean, yes, i'm a good friend.

9. honestly, do you really think going to school is important?
yes, i do. i know it's subjective; school isn't the place for everyone, and many achieve all their goals without it. but i think a solid baseline education is necessary to contributing to a competitive society.

10. honestly, what are your dreams mostly about?
weird sexual situations and dramatic escapes, sometimes both.

11. honestly, who/what makes you happy most of the time?
nothing that should. many things that shouldn't. that is my vague but honest answer.

12. honestly, what are you sad about right now?
not reaching marcus after delta. the fact that i have to fly to atlanta on tuesday. my brother's hurt ankle. the overwhelming likelihood that i will actually never accomplish anything of note. the fact that leahjoy will almost certainly blow the whistle on me for saying that. most human suffering. child pornography. abusive pet-owners. the puppies who get left behind at the pound. brothers and sisters who are split up because adoptive parents only want to raise one tiny, impressionable infant. the fact that i can't slap everyone silly when they make vitally stupid life mistakes. my lukewarm apple cider and the evening's crippling scrabble defeat.

13. honestly, how old are you now?
twenty.

14. honestly, what song are you listening to now?
no music because chad and alex are asleep behind me.

15. honestly, who do you want to see at this very moment?
my mom, but she's asleep.

16. honestly, do you have a deadly disease?
no.

17. honestly, do you hate someone right now?
yes.

18. honestly, who/what do you wanna hug right now?
lots of people.

19. honestly, are you bored?
no, i'm sleepy, anxious and a little confused.

20. honestly, who do you wanna slap right now?
our current president, but that's a given, and everyone i know who is making vitally stupid life mistakes.

21. honestly, are you in love/crushing right now?
restrictive descriptors, but yes.

22. honestly, do you think he/she likes you?
honestly, this survey is stupidly worded, banal and a tremendous waste of my time, but i guess you didn't ask all that.

23. honestly, have you said what you feel for him or her?
honestly, this isn't my first encounter with this survey. i started to complete it earlier, before it was my turn to shower for the coming guests, but lost all my progress when my dad accidentally closed the window. that time and this time i thought taking an "honesty survey" would help to draw out something a little beyond the usual, particularly any sort of meaningful response to the aforementioned journal entries. it didn't. it was dumb, both times. and now i'm tired. and yes, i told marcus, in the summer of 2004, the afternoon before i drove to philadelphia with my mom for a visit to aunt susan. i remember i was wearing blue pajamas and reading my eleven-year-old cousin's book about the trauma of puberty.