Straight No Chaser

Some That Suck

1. do you think your parents have always been faithful to each other?
no comment. that's their business, not mine, and anyway i'd prefer not to think about their sex lives, thanks.

2. does the word "hello" seem formal to you?
not particularly, until i consider that it's totally inappropriate to answer the phone like "hi!"

3. do you think that schools should be allowed to ban unnatural colored hair?
private schools should be allowed to do whatever they want. people choose to send their kids to places like that, and they get what they pay for. public schools, i would think, have better things to worry about than whether their students come to class with streaks and highlights.

4. is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time?
no. the hate isn't pure when it's all loved up.

5. do your eyes change colors from time to time?
nope. always black.

6. when you sit really still, can you feel your pulse?
yes, and when i lie still and look down at my bare stomach, i can see it, too. om.

7. does cursive handwriting serve any real purpose nowadays?
only to distinguish those of us with good motor skills from those with shitty ones. i fall in the second category. my cursive is that proverbial hot mess.

8. have you ever had melted cheese on your fries?
i have to tell you a secret, guys. all these sets of twenty questions, these all make up one single eternally long survey, of which i have to say, this might be the senseless, time-wasting question of them all.

9. have you ever encountered a rude person in a wheelchair?
my two-doors-down dorm neighbor, who uses a wheelchair, has called me a bitch on many occasions. i don't know why.

10. are you often the last one to understand a joke?
i'm actually first, usually, i just don't laugh very loudly.

11. has your home been decorated by an interior decorator?
pieces of it have. my mom went through a southwestern phase a couple years ago, and got all these weird aztec-designed accents for the family room. then she went through a weird ethnic phase and decked out the front foyer with african art. then one of her old friends from college came to town and insisted on changing the window treatments; in came the curtains, blinds and finials. last was the big gold-framed purple flower in the piano room. that's the only thing i like.

12. do you believe in reincarnation?
no.

13. do you think the govenrment was involved in 9/11?
on the off chance that our current administration is monitoring my innocent little journal, i will not vilify anybody here. tragic, it was. that's all.

14. would you ever kiss someone with no teeth?
i see no reason why not. babies are very kissable.

15. do you wash your hair every day?
most black women do not.

16. if we keep making exceptions for homosexuals, do you think the next generation of homosexuals will be spoiled brats?
this seems like a retarded question, but since i have no idea what it's getting at, it's hard to say for sure. for starters, i'm not sure what exceptions homosexuals have ever gotten, except maybe that they get the benefits of cohabitation in jail and on college campuses, but that's stupid, and no, not nearly enough to spoil upcoming generations of gays.

17. can experience be gained just by reading?
only theoretically. i totally lived on the belief that it could, for the first fifteen years of my life, and it didn't work. everything you think you understand, it goes down differently. everything.

18. do you have any gay friends?
a handful. probably about six.

19. have you ever been to stonehenge?
the one time i ever mentioned wanting to visit stonehenge, my mom threw this huge fit about how my school environment had made me really embarrassingly eurocentric. she's so crazy. she's the one who sent me there. seven years later, i can't remember why i ever gave a shit about visiting stonehenge, but i still think she's crazy, for being surprised at the way i turned out.

20. do you consider darts to be a sport?
sure, whatever. (yawn.)