Mental Meanderings

A Blog, Apparently

Ok, I feel kind of silly because at the moment it feels like I kind of have two blogs. Last night I was on a serious low and cheated by copying my DWC entry into the blog directly and figured yeah that'll do. It's tempting to do the same again tonight but this time it's related more to the fact that the DWC entry is in my voice, exactly as I write these blog entries. Straight, uncensored, sometimes blah ramble.

After writing 625 words I wonder what else I could add to that. But of course for my blog I'm not adding to that. I need something fresh and new. Or not. It's great to be able to express myself in my blog and it's been good to reflect on the past couple of months and see what's been going on in my life. It's also wonderful to write every day, even if it's not worthy of publication and probably shouldn't really be shared with people it's good to get these words out.

These entries are worth writing, for myself, although much of the time really not worth reading for the unfortunate who stumble in here. Except maybe to acknowledge that they aren't the craziest person in the world and that others suffer in was similar or dissimilar than themselves.

I'm rambling. But then what esle is new. lol Basically I mean that I feel good having this blog to turn to. I put myself out here and sometimes I think I should probably make the blog private. Ok, most of the time I suspect I should keep the blog private. It really should just be a journal. But in a way knowing that some people come and read and knowing this isn't just going to be something I see, holds me accountable. I think a big part of why I show up here each day is because others will know if I don't. If I kept a journal that no one else ever read then the only person I let down if I don't write an entry in myself. I don't like letting anyone down and in a way I feel like if I'm not here each day I've broken my promise not only to myself, but to my readers.

It's rediculous since whenever I talk about the responsibilities I put on myself I get people emailing and commenting telling me to stop putting so much pressure on myself and that it's ok to give myself a break sometimes. Mostly those aggrevate me because sure, I could take it easy on myself and I do. I do too often in fact which is where one of my biggest stumbling blocks comes in. There are so many opportunities I don't take, so many obligations I let slide. DWC and the blog are the only two things I honestly get done every day, come rain or shine. Even breakfast and lunch aren't as guarenteed as my blog entry. Even the kids baths and bedtime isn't as certain as my blog entry. The housework isn't anywhere near as kept up with as my blog. In all other areas of my life I give myself too much rope and hang myself. Knowing that I'm here to blog every day is a huge accomplishment. It shores up my willpower and reminds me that when I really set my mind to it I CAN show up for myself and not let myself down.

Of course the trouble comes now with having to put this steadfast resolution into other parts of my life. I show up each night to blog, but I need to show up for myself more often then that.

I guess it's good that I'm at least aware of most of my faults. What are the steps of AA? The first? Admitting you have a problem. Hi I'm Rebecca and I have a great many problems. *chuckles* But then don't we all. Perhaps I'll console myself with the fact that I'm normal.

But seriously, there is so much I want to accomplish, I've talked about things like this in the past. I think what I need to do to make my dreams reality into the future is plan. Set the goals and accomplish them. Show up for myself. Make promises to myself and keep them. Just like I'm here every night to blog come high, low, and inbetween. The only way to make a dream reality, is to believe you can.