Mental Meanderings

Aura Photos & Being Bipolar

Today I had an interesting experience. A few weeks ago my mother and I booked an appointment to have our Aura photographs taken. However, yesterday evening I came down heavy on a serious low mixed with a headache that could rival the pounding drums of war. I slept late and woke up feeling wrung out and miserable.

Ultimately I knew it was a bad mood to be in when having these types of photographs taken. Such a serious negative mood affects every part of my soul and I knew it would overwhelm my aura leading to a biased photograph. My mother however was interested to know how it would turn out so we went along and had it done anyway. Hopefully we’ll be arranging an Aura Photo Party in the next couple of months and I can have another taken then to see the changes between a good mood and a bad one.

Anyway, as expected the photograph came back with serious red burnishing. In fact it’s interesting to know that there must be something too this strange aura photography claim that it managed to pick out so clearly that something was very wrong. A part of me has sometimes wondered if it’s just a normal photograph and they smudge colour over it however it happens but obviously this isn’t the case because the picture seemed to pick up exactly what was going on with me at the time it was taken.

Still, I’m disappointed to have had a picture done while I was so low. It doesn’t really give an accurate reading of how I usually am. I knew I was out of balance and feeling the pressure of life at the moment. I understand a great deal about where my life is faltering at the moment and I know that time and effort will set it to rights again. Basically I didn’t learn anything today and I feel like I would have if I’d have been able to have a reading when I was feeling ‘normal’.

After the session today I felt particularly emotional. I wanted to break down but I don’t feel like I have the freedom to do that. I also wasn’t really sure what I wanted to cry about. I think mostly it is just an overwhelming stress and feeling like I’m out of power. As if everything is just too much for me to bare.

It’s strange because normally I’m doing so much better. My moods are completely out of rhythm and I suppose that’s why I’m feeling so bad. I can’t understand what has happened to my normal cycle, it’s in chaos and I feel like my whole life is out of my control when my moods do unexpected things. I used to have a low and know that in three days I’d be fine. I could plan around it and know that I’d be feeling up again in a few days. But now it’s chaotic, it’s not three days and sometimes when I think I’m coming into an up the next day I’m thrust back down there again.

My mother suggested medication today. I turned the idea down but I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve always managed without medication but these moods are affecting my life adversely. Perhaps it’s time to consider other ways of keeping it controlled. But then I consider the disadvantages of medication. I know that they dull the senses, they don’t so much control the mood and keep it stable but rather numb emotion completely. I know it will affect my ability to write.

A low affects my ability to write as well but at least there are occasions of high when my writing flourishes. On medication I expect I’ll be ‘mellow’ constantly and that state is not effective for a writer. I also feel like if I resort to an external means to bring my life into order I’ll lose the power to do it myself. At the moment I know a great deal of why things are so bad. Primarily I’m not doing what I could to bring it back to balance. Strict routine, strict meals. Both of these things I know would help even out my swings.

At the moment my focus is on getting my routine and meals back into order. Get my priorities straight and perhaps put aside the things I’m doing that I don’t have a heart for. I know there is a lot of what is important to me I keep putting aside. When it comes to my writing there are parts of it I will continue to put aside because for the moment getting my physical body and my home and family back into a smooth system is more important. When all that is working the rest comes easier with less worry and stress.