Ten-Finger Exercises

December first

I spent three hours this afternoon with a man whose wife died last week. I visited twice at their house before he said he didn't want the chaplain to come any more. Then he called last weekend to ask me to do her funeral. Today he talked for awhile about his mother, who lived eight more years after a stroke that left her unable to talk. He hired caregivers for her, and the best was a young Amish girl who was 18.

At that time in an Amish person's life, they are "set free" to live the way they want to and decide if they want to return to Amish ways or stay int he modern world. This girl's large family was there for the interview, and he said that they appeared poor. She and a couple of sisters all worked as caregivers, and their wages all went to the family, as is the custom. A new barn was built that yea, and he said he always called it his mother's barn.

After she died, on the day of her funeral the weather was terrible, glare ice and sleet. The Amish family all wanted to come, and he said he'd take them in his car. Nine of them, plus a baby, showed up for the ride, and he swears they all managed to cram themselves into his Neon and arrived safely. Afterwards the funeral home offered their van for his son to drive the family home. His son admitted to one of the men that he hadn't driven a van like that and wasn't sure he knew how. The man said he didn't know too much about it either, and his wife poked him and said, "You'd certainly better not!"

Later, during dinner in the Amish family home, one of the oil lamps began to flicker, and the same man said, "Did you forget to pay the light bill again?"

It was easier for the man I visited to talk about these things from long ago and laugh about them before he concentrated on the task at hand, planning the memorial service. I was surprised at how easily he showed his feelings, breaking down several times. Surprised because he seemed so uptight and matter of fact, but pleased that he's willing to let it out. I told him the distinction between grieving and mourning, which he seemed to appreciate. Grieving is the experience of all the thoughts and feelings that surround loss. Mourning is the expression of them: aloud, in writing, in tears, long walks, pounded pillows, painting pictures, pilgrimages to special places.