Down the Rabbit Hole

Shelf Life

Sometimes the diachotomy of life exhausts me. There are days when hope and happiness seem to boost my life to wonderful and unexpected highs and then there are the days that leave me bone-weary and wanting for more. The worst days are the ones when you get both those extremes within an hour, warm and satisfying visions of what could be, partnered with ill-fated arguments followed by depressing pictures of reality that loom and drag your spirit down.

So what do I do? Run off to my blog to type in flowery phrases? Craft stories about strangers to bear out my own frustration? Well, fuck that. I'm not even going to pre-apologize to anyone I might piss off, cause well, its writing and the rawer it comes out of me, the better and besides, I write first for ME. I'm going to write this so that tomorrow or three weeks or three years from now I can read this and be able to reconsile it with who I am. I'm writing to help with my own morale inventory later.

I think I have reached a point when I can take it life or leave it. Meaning, I've gotten just used enough to the same look in my families eyes, the same feeling of disappoint and disillusion, that I can live with the "may nevers"...may never marry him, may never have kids, may never be truthfully happy. Who am I trying so hard to be a success for? Do I want to get married because it helps me move forward with my completion of an imaginary checklist? Somewhere on that checklist is there a line items that says..."Compromise who you are for the one you love". How can I go from spending a weekend of bliss and daydreaming to someone counting the reasons why it could never work between us.

Do I really cling to the past or do I, like I always explain, use it to defend the person I've become? Is my past my weapon or my shield? Here is the truth, I do want to believe in love and marriage, the kind that doesn't end in a messy three year separation. I do want the whole wedding, kids and a house with a yard life. I just have days when I doubt I'm the right person for the job. Sometimes I think, "but it was so much easier to be alone". The only person I had to worry about was me. It was uncomplicated and unexpectant. Sure, it was lonely but that's an emotion you can learn to live with. Its like a cavity in the back of your mouth, its always there but most days, its not a huge problem. Reality is, most days are harder than they need to be. Most love is not as strong as it should be.