Snow Melt

The Beginning...The Middle...The End

18 'Izzat 164 B.E. - Tuesday, September 25, 2007 about 3:17 PM PDT

I started out the day up beat and in a good mood, while the middle of the day brought tears and I have not idea how the day will end. The tears are the results of me realizing that my life probably isn't as screwed up as I thought and that the reason it is screwed up is my own fault. My thought are negative or mostly negative for the past few months or may be a year. I haven't been taking tests and difficulties in the same way I did before, in fact I've been really down lately and for several months.

My biggest joy in the past few months is buying a spaghetti mop and throwing out the sponge mops (actually I haven't taken them to the curb yet they are in the garage). My biggest joy buying a new mop, I'm becoming domestic. I have not objections to domestic, but that isn't the vision of myself I've always had, but that doesn't solve the negative thoughts problem.

What brought this on? I read an article yesterday about The Law of Attraction. I realized that my thoughts were negative, that they've been negative for sometime now. Maybe not a year, maybe just six, seven or nine months. That the negative thoughts have increased and that I have to change them. I'm not sure how the day will end.

I have to do something to change my thoughts, that should be easy since I don't think I've been saying my prayers the way I should. I know that when I'm saying my prayers as I should say them I'm not as negative. I put more trust in God and I'm not as afraid of what will happen.

I swear, if I didn't know better I'd say I was going through labor. Maybe I am, not giving birth to a child, but to a new way of life for myself and my soul. I became a Baha'i about thirty years ago. In fact, in November I'll celebrate thirty years in the Baha'i faith, thirty years of accepting Baha'u'llah. I think my problems begin last year right around November or December. Somewhere between the celebration of my declaration as a Baha'i and my 60th birthday.

I've been rambling or I think I'm rambling. I'm attempting to get my thoughts straight. I feel better after writing this. I'm not sure what a lot of this has to do with getting a new mop. I'm going to have to explore some of the themes in this a bit more. I'm also going to have to log into writing.com again and do some reviews. I need to clean house and I don't have anyone to help me, I can't get anyone to help me and ... I'm not going to continue that thought. I'm just going to figure out a schedule so that I can both write and clean house (not at the same time of course). In fact, I think I'll stop complaining all together for a few days and see what happens when I don't complain either out loud or in my mind.