what matters and why

just kids

Text message. A picture of his children.

Stomach hurts. Such a small thing, yet so personal. It’s not a problem when we’re out, and the conversation turns to kids. Why wouldn’t it, when mine are such a big part of my life? But a picture, when I don’t have the ability to respond sarcastically while looking him in the eye.

How do I say that I am not in the same place? That I am not who he thinks I am? It’s only fair that I would be ready to share the most important part of my life, but I keep them protected. Why cause more drama?

Seven months, and a few days. Unexpected attention when I had none, how could I turn that down?

I watched him before I knew my involvement was a possibility. He was so good with the kids, and seemed to know that sport like the back of his hand. Competitive, but didn’t overdo it. It was all positive encouragement, just what my son needed. He built confidence during that season that I hadn’t seen in my child in a long time.

A simple phone call, but he said so much. My son, he said, was amazing. Dedicated, and talented. Introverted, but had incredible potential if he applied himself.

Funny how complimenting a single mother’s child gets that person what they want.

It seems that he wanted me.

And it’s seven months later. I knew, in the beginning, that I wasn’t completely sure. It wasn’t like the one before, when I could barely stand up straight b/c feelings were so intense. This time around, it was gradual, and it was comfortable. He said the right things at the right times. He was there whether I was upset or happy. He wanted to know everything about me, the good and the bad. It wasn’t easy, but eventually I broke down. He was so easy to talk to, and gave me anything I wanted.

He’s ready, he wants more. I’m here, but I can’t go further. What if I say there is nothing else I have to offer? He would be devastated. He knows I am hesitant and I have a hard time with trust, and deep emotions, but what he doesn’t realize is that what we have is all it will ever be. What is so wrong if we have so much fun? I know he wants answers. I don’t have any. The only explanation I can come up with is that something’s missing. Something’s not right. You’re supposed to just know, and I don’t.

Just a text message. Just a picture. Just kids.

I can’t share that part of my life. It’s so private. I talk about them, but it’s impossible to put into words how much my children mean to me. How much I love them. How much I appreciate that they are amazing despite the mistakes I have made. They deserve better than that their mother introducing them to someone that she’s not quite sure about.

Stomach still hurts. Eventually, response will be required regarding involvement of children. For now, I am able to avoid that.

Just a picture…..