Down the Rabbit Hole

Just for Today

It was on the tip of my tongue this morning to ask him if anything was wrong. It took all my control to bite back the words and go on with my morning. Strolling on eggshells isn't a great way to start off life but lately he's had a hair-trigger and I've found it easier just to keep quiet rather than risk spawning another argument about something. He's grown increasing moody lately and as a result, I've let my doubts manifest as insecurity and my constant questioning has caused the rift to widen between us. He insists I've gotten insecure and in a way, he's half right. It marvels me that he can not see his part in it though, how his frequent ossilations between snaping at me and quiet brodding might have something to do with my recent behavior. As the wedding looms ever closer, I'm wondering daily what he's thinking and how he's feeling. There has been a distance and looking back, I've realized that I have drifted somewhat. Slippage. That's what I call it. Its mostly me I think. Lately, it seems I'm coping with stress at work and working, without a tremendous result, to get my life and my health back in order. Most days I get up, throw on whatever is in front of me or takes the least bit of effort and go. I rarely wear makeup. Sex hasn't been a priority because I haven't felt the least bit sexy. I think he's adapted, and now, just as my confidence comes creeping back, he seems disinterested. I think my recent bout of insomnia may have a lot to do with this slippage. In truth, I don't want to drift apart any further. I don't want to become another couple casualty. I want to look forward to my wedding. I want to know I have the capacity to make another person happier than anyone else could. This morning I decided to first put more energy into finding myself again. I pulled myself out of bed, dilligently worked through my Buff Bride, Abs and Thighs routine, hard-boiled myself some eggs, set aside my daily dose of subliments and took time with myself. I actually picked out an outfit that coordinated, paired it with my favorite books and put on my makeup. I couldn't have been my imagination that my boots fit looser on my calves, or the skirt wasn't biting into my waist, or that my face seemed suddenly more slender than its been. I stepped back from the mirror this morning and finally there was this shadow of the woman I had been...slimmer, sexier, more confident. My troublesome cysts are finally shrinking, I can barely detect them now. And whether its in my head or not, I feel stronger...day by day. And at long last, my libido is returning in waves, though he's yet to notice. I think the more I get back to myself, the more he'll discover the girl I was when he first met me. Hopefully, that will bring us both back to the place we should be and stop the slippage before its too late.