My True Soul

She doesn't want the world.

Sometimes it kills me how disconnected I'll feel from everyone and everything. I try hard not to, but then I do always. I guess it's normal from time to time. In high school, at times, I'd just retreat. I'd not talk to anyone, just stay in a shell, and not come out. Then a couple of weeks later, I'd come out. Or sometimes it'd be that I just really would feel like I didn't know my friends after I'd come out.
I didn't have to do it too much in college. I never am around too many people to have to do it. Plus, most of the time... I don't think Manda lets me. Cause I tend to only do it when I'm not around her now.
I'm just in a mood lately, I feel down, angry at times, discouraged, and just want to crawl in bed and be left there. Of course, it's also been that time of the month... so add that onto the other things. Plus Manda tells me I get aggravated more quickly after I've been here for a while.. I've been here for... 3 weeks straight. I've told Critter I can only take about 2 weeks... after that, I start getting a little crazy.
I've wanted to work at getting in better shape this summer... but I've probably only gained weight. I can't tell and I don't keep up. It depresses me to see what my weight is and most of the time it seems it's only gone up. I have worked better at actually doing something other than just sitting around. I don't know, I have this ideal goal and I don't think I'll ever get there.

I feel like everyone around me is changing and I'm just staying the same. Just like I always have been. It's starting to really bug me. Just once, I wish someone would tell me that I've changed and that it's been for the better. Or that just something was different about me. Maybe people like the constant stability that I seem to have about me. But... I just get tired of it. Especially when I don't really feel it inside of myself. It amuses the hell out of me that they think I'm that stable. I don't feel it.
Jake the other night told me it must be my hair that attracts people because Katie constantly raved about it. Manda really liked it when we first met. It seems to be one of my positives. I don't really know what else is.

After hearing my father talk tonight... I don't trust him. I've, of course, really come to this conclusion over the past few years. But, he's horrible. It makes me feel sick. I still have a little trust left in my mom. But... who knows how well that'll last.

They basically said something like "I hope you don't think it's been that bad to stay with us this summer" yesterday. They have no clue what they've done to me and our relationship over the past few years. They're so blind. And as bad as it may sound, I hate them for trying to be so controlling. I can't wait until I have my own job, my own house, everything of my own.

I had a dream last night. It was, whacked out. I dreamed I was getting married to a guy. It was a halloween themed wedding. My parents were there. I'd decided to marry this guy, bc, he'd asked. The dream started a couple of days before the wedding... I was so sick feeling, nerves were completely wrecked, had this permanent feeling of being about to throw up. My parents were all proud and shit. I finally talked to Shorty the morning of the wedding, actually on my way to the wedding, and told her that I just knew there was no way I could go through with it. That I'd had no clue what the hell I was thinking, that this was just wrong and I knew it with every fiber of my being. So I get there, I have 4 bridesmaids.... I grabbed one of them, who was supposed to be a girl I went to school with that has been rumored to be a lesbian. I couldn't grab any of the others, bc, they were like Critter... they wouldn't understand. So I go to talk to her and I start telling her that I can't go through with it because, well, I'm a lesbian. At this point, for whatver reason, she grabs me and kisses me (Me in dream = What the heck??) and then afterwards... she just goes "Yea... you definitely are... now what are you gonna do about this??" She and I went to talk in a back room. Ali was there & one of the other people I went to high school with. So we were whispering about what to do and I told her about Manda and wanting to be with her, that she was who made me happy. So then I went looking for Manda. We were broken up and for obvious reasons, she was pretty pissed at me. (Now, don't ask me why she would have been at my wedding.... but... she was.) So, I then went in search of her. Her mom saw me & was confused as to why she wouldn't stop when I was asking her to. I believe it was then that I got in front of everyone that was there (few hundred people, all in costumes) and told them the wedding would be off, proclaimed that I was a lesbian, that the entire idea was the worst one in my entire life because I was madly in love with Manda and always had been. I think it was then I began to proclaim how much of an idiot I had been for putting off asking her to marry me and then proposed to her. Unfortunately, I woke up before I got her answer. But at least she was looking at me, haha. Ah, her mom didn't look that surprised or upset, either.
I think ya can learn things from some dreams... I think this one just readfirmed that I definitely am a lesbian and am definitely happy being with Manda.
Of course, I had one the other night about zombie skeletons, building this fort that was like on stilts to get away from them. They went away during the day. I remember waking up from it going "hey, this wouldn't make a bad movie!"

The other day, my dad said something that just basically amounted to something like this. Things are going to hell and they'll only be getting worse. Maybe I'm crazy, but how would anyone, especially at 23, like to be told that. Or be told things like that off and on since they were 12? I mean really, he's stuck on the 2012 thing, he's been saying that since I was 12. Now he constantly is focusing on the negative, to the point that he chokes out any hope, anything positive, and makes it seem like there's no point in trying. I'm not stupid, I'm not unaware, I'm not living under a rock. I don't have to be reminded everyday. But, in a way, how selfish of him. He's lived a good chunk of his life. He's almost 50. I've just started mine and he constantly talks like that. He constantly talks about how things are going to be so much worse, all the time. It infuriates me. I do so much better when I'm not around him. I asked him how he would have liked someone to constantly be telling him that when he was my age.

Humans need to feel like what they're doing is worth something. That there is a reason to go on living. That it's not just waiting until they die. That at some point between birth and death, they can find happiness. When I'm around him, it's just like he suffocates that out of me.
When I'm away from him, I feel like what I have planned for my life will be good. I'm excited about it. Nervous, but excited. I try to focus on that and ignore him, but sometimes it gets hard to do.

Anyway, I finally got to listen to the new 3 Doors Down CD. As much as I'd felt like I'd gotten tired of their music, I like this CD pretty well. I tried to listen to Floggin Molly's new CD, but it's got a few scratches on it that made it pretty hard to do. So maybe I will try it later in my computer because I really liked the sound of the ones I did listen to.