TEARS

prologue TEARS

We were never meant to be alive in the same point in time. We were never supposed to be aware of each other, never should have ever met. It was supposed to be in such a way, and if it had been such, there would have been tears sparred on too many occasions to count. There was a point in time where you took a sick, serene type of pleasure in categorizing and storing all of my different frequencies of tears. I called it a sadistic obsession; you rationalized it and would say, “I just want to understanding the true meaning of who you are.” I can’t say those words never got to be. They were painfully, exactly what I wanted to hear, and you were far too adept at figuring that out. I would cry about that as well, and you would label those as I hate that you understand so well tears. There was always some kind of gimmick in your tags, always something which would make me cry more. Label tears, which often switch into You’re annoying me tears. You kept these in a contained book that I was never meant to see: lost in the thicket of your sick composure. Always, when trying to justify yourself, you would just say, that you wanted to love every one of my tears, and if they didn’t get categorized, they would be forgotten. You would say that you never wanted to forget anything about me. Which is ironic, considering bit by bit, you were the one who ended up loosing those pieces of me that you held so dear. And, in my own ironic state, those tears, which I always wished you would just let be and disappear, were the things you took away with you. During the end, you would just say, “Every tear tells me a story of how we lived our lives together; what else could I possibly want to remember?” Sick jerk tears.

You said that you would leave me one day, but not by choice; nevertheless, you would leave. And within those times you would hold me, wiping back my I don’t understand tears, and whisper that then, it would be my turn to live. As if the time I was with you, I was dead; you told me that I would then get the chance to be human once more. Life surely was like suspended time with you. A time completely immobilized in tears. You would curl up on my lap, playing with a loose tendril of hair, which had fallen out of from behind me. Winding and release. Winding and release, you would tell me that I would never be able to forget you. Winding and release, Scared tears. You spoke of how I would constantly think about you, as if paralyzed in my past, and that I would love no other as much as much as I loved you. At that point, I would laugh and call you an egotistical brat, but I knew that you understood far too much. You always comprehend far more than I could. You had everything mapped out long before I even know you existed. It wasn’t fair, knowing exactly where everything was heading. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I would be paralyzed with love, you said. And live a life I’d never experienced before. More Scared tears. Take note, take note. You knew far too much. Wrote too much. Experienced too little. Taken away too soon. Left not soon enough. Everything was a disaster. I shouldn’t have met you. I’m so glad I did. I was dead while you were there. Alive now that you are gone. Still struggling to continue to breathe. Miss you so much I’m transfixed to the spot. Lose focus of my memories with you. You are everything. No such thing as sad tears tears. Let us begin my paralyzing movement that you knew everything about.

I don’t know how else to describe our first meeting as but “cold.” In fact, I might even give it a “freaking, oh my goodness, my tootsies are going to turn into frozen pops, and frozen tootsie pops just sounds painful.” Certainly, I could glaze it over in some kind of romantic scene where everything was perfect and special, where our eyes met over the distance, but no, what I am going to give you is the word “cold.” Don’t get me wrong, it was a moment of a thousand moments worth remembering, but still, I’m a blunt kind of girl. Take it as you will. Even still, though, we aren’t going to begin there. No, you get to meet this girl first. Pardon the distraction from the romance.