Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about to be thought of as worldwide.

Hey y'all. Live and direct from all things downtown today. I feel like I've been running around non-stop. Building to appointment to building to bus to killing time to appointment to bus to store to killing time to eating and then maybe sleeping. Speaking of which, I practically wrote this entry two nights ago, laying awake with my eyes shut, and unable to turn my brain off until I just barely managed a little sleep. So what we're gonna do here is play a little game I like to call "Let's See How Much I Can Remember From Two Days Ago!" And here's your host... this guy!

So, I've been able in what little downtime/quiet time I've had to reflect and look back a little. It's really easy to look at the situation I'm in right now and be angry. Pissed. Bitching and moaning. After all, it's human nature to be upset when things aren't working out the way we hope or thought they would. And if y'all know anything about your boy over here, y'already know I'm pretty fantastic when it comes to complaining.

But I can't do that. Not me. Not now.

What I must say is...for some reason, I think I've handled this pretty well: being homeless, unceremoniously uprooted from the life I've known for so long into something just as equally uncertain, having little funds, having most of what I own either being stolen from me or basically just unsure of exactly where it is anymore, among other tribulations. I really think had this happened to me at any other point in my life, I may have seriously lost it completely. Don't get me wrong...I've had a few breakdowns here and there, but for the most part, I've done ok up in the headspace.

I don't know why I feel this way. It's almost calm...almost peaceful. Maybe it's just the nature of things when life, for lack of a better word, sucks. Maybe it's because I have a better idea of the way things are going now than I did two weeks or two months ago. I don't know. But I do know that I don't want to put my finger on it and run the risk of mixing something up or putting a dirty fingerprinted smudge on it. I'll do my part, and do what I have to do, and let it unfold in front of me.

I also know this...and if it seems like it's off-topic, it's not actually. I'd actually meant to mention this about a week and a half ago, but it'd slipped my mind (and you'll understand if I say that I had a lot of things on my mind, and maybe only a small percentage of it actually made it to ears, computer screens, and/or sensical areas of brains anywhere). See, I started this particular blog of primarily pointless internetical madness 18 months ago, for no good reason other than to satisfy the urge to write things from time to time, create some space between my thoughts and actions and the same of those around me, and wander off into a distance that only those who cared to find me would. Never in my life would I have imagined that I'd be sitting here, not only in the situation that I'm currently in, but that after 18 months since I committed to re-entry into Blogville, that I'd be closing in on over 12,000 views. I'm proud and humbled. I've had some pretty good company checking out my thoughts and exploits since I've been here. Not just friends, or family, but really, people all over the place. And by "all over the place", I don't just mean Buffalo, or New York. Or the United States. I mean freaking worldwide. I get comments and emails and love and support from so many people who live all over the planet, and I just want to say thanks. I'm very grateful, even though I have virtually nothing right now. I have friends I talked to last week, to friends I haven't seen in 15 years, to people I've never met in foreign countries and overseas offering words of encouragement and hope. It blows my mind. It really does. It's so fascinating, I just want to look at the bold letters for a minute...I don't know if it'll ever sink in. All I can do is say thank you.

But I can't stop there. This experience has taught me many things...about life, about people, and about myself. I haven't had time to mope, be miserable, or let discouragement or negativity get the best of me (or at least get me to a point where I'm baring my teeth and growling). I'm proud of that. For as outgoing as I can be, I haven't let the overwhelmingly private, quiet side take over and brood. I've had no choice but to be open, almost transparent at times. Especially when all I've wanted to do is hide while the angry waves crest and (hopefully) pass by. It's when they don't pass...that's when you realize you know how to swim better than you know just enough about water not to drown.

I have to send some love to my closest friends for the way they've been able to encourage, help and support me through all of this mess (and I'll be damned if I don't say "encourage, help and support" over and over and over today). I can't thank them enough. To anyone who's dropped me a line or two along my voyage, know that even if I didn't acknowledge you personally, your words were felt and meant a lot, whether you were near or far. And even if I got off to the rockiest of starts this summer (that statement qualifies for understatement of the year right there) personally, and carried it with me for far too long, I am even thankful for the girl who shall not be named. For all the pain, the hurt, the abandoned feelings, the despair, the anger, all of that shit...I can't hold that inside me any longer. It's not healthy. Though I may never forgive her (I'm not saying never...I just don't know and I don't know if I'll ever want to know), I'm still thankful...thankful for the times spent together, all the good memories that far outweigh what few negative ones shared, and thankful that whatever happened to put me here, whatever misinterpretations or misunderstandings or otherwise foolish nonsense occurred, you get the point. I'm thankful for that as well, for without it I don't know where I could be. Sometimes it only takes one misspoken word, or one poorly-timed phrase, or an intention misdirected, to set a woman's eyes crossed while they accuse you brain arson. And sometimes, while I think I've got a hose full of water to put that fire out, little do I know that I'm squirting $4.19/gallon super octane unleaded gasoline in all of the right folds and creases of her brain to make the explosions louder, faster, and longer-lasting. Go me.

Hey, nobody said I was sent here to be loved. But it's nice to see that in some aspects or respects, I still am. I need to do a better job of remembering that more often.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

When I was writing this entry in my head the other day, I had this song pop up over and over, like it was on repeat or something. I guess there's parts of it I can easily identify with. Or I just love the instrumentation.

VITAL STATS:

Either today or tomorrow will be my last day living the life of the homeless at the City Mission. Never underestimate the power of social media. Some old friends came across my tweets and posts about my situation and have offered me a temporary place to lay my weary head until I can get situated in a more permanent fashion. Again, another reason to be grateful.

Finally, after not hearing from the employee relations corporate sinkhole department from work for over a week, I was finally able to speak with someone regarding my position with the company. It's a long story...basically I was supposed to join a counselling program, but didn't have an address, so they couldn't send me the dated info, and once they sent it to my store, I was hospitalized with no way to know they called me and no way to call them, so they closed my case, and I'd have to deal with employee relations get my case reopened. So employee relations says that while they understand that things of a personal nature can happen, they can't guarantee anything, and I'll hear back within 24 hours, or Monday afternoon the latest. I don't even know how I feel about this, honestly. I was so ready actually to get back to the damn grind, but fuck...I feel a little shafted by all of this dramatic red tape and over-corporatizational "policy and procedure" bullshit. Ten years ago, my vacation time and sick time would've been paid out, no questions asked. Now, when you're sick, you best not get sicker, partner. And be prepared to fill out form after form after form of all the same nonsense that you can only get from the company, while being able to orate and emote your testimonial over and over to a bunch of robotic humans who've been desensitized and sterilized to prevent any form of compassion from infecting their thought process when determining what you deserve (punishment-wise or benefit-wise) for missing so much unpaid time at the position they know nothing about and care even less of what you might mean to your community's store. Whew...let me catch my breath...ok. Yeah, so, at least I'm better-prepared for the worst this time.

Another reason I couldn't fall asleep the other night? Congestion. I've been getting sick again...sore throat, sneezing, some coughing, and finally some pretty serious nasal stuffage. And food stamps don't buy cough drops, but they will net you plenty of Mountain Dew Amp. #homelessguyproblems

I did manage to catch a good chunk of the presidential debate last night. You know this country's in a world of hurt (pardon the expression) when the media this morning has proclaimed Romney the "winner", while is only memorable quote was saying he loved Big Bird from Sesame Street, and then followed it up by saying he loved the moderator. That's problems. I thought Obama handled himself pretty well actually, but I've also not had an ideally-lived summer either . Honestly, I really wish we had a three-party system. Whatever happened to the Whig party?? I need a strong, independant challenger to get behind. One who doesn't have banks, pharmaceuticals, the auto industry or foreign powers swingin' from his or her sack...one who cares about "the people" (see what I did there with the quotes? ) I don't want a guy like Ross Perot (I dressed up like him my senior year of high school) or Ralph Nader or any hippie associating with anything "green" to snag a few votes here and there in what's essentially a two-horse race anyway and turn the Electoral College into the McDonalds cashier who can't count back change to you correctly after you give them the right change after their drawer has opened because they don't know how to figure out who wins what state if more than two candidates are involved. I know the song is dated and has less to do with actual politics than the message of the song itself, but Public Enemy's "By The Time I Get To Arizona" features a line that maybe has most informed my feelings about government: "Neither party is mine, not the jackass or the elephant."

Yup, I lost the game "Let's See How Much I Can Remember From Two Days Ago!" because dammit, I don't remember anything else I wanted to mention. At least I covered the important things.

Ok, that's enough outta me for today. I'm sure as soon as I hit the "Save Entry" button, something else is gonna cross my mind or kick my bruises and make me wish I committed it to the truths so dutifully typed above. Here's to life...cheers if you're still in it, and I'll be around soon (be it here, there, or where you want me to be). Peace, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!