Blog @ Work

Welcome to my reality - Five -

"Welcome To My Reality Forum"  [E]

15. When you are really frustrated or angry, how do you release or express it?

I can’t remember being angry in ages. I don’t get upset that easily. But when I did get angry in my youth I could explode. I remember when I lived together with a boyfriend in my early twenties he could get under my skin easily. We would have a fight with words which I won more times than not, as I recall. I even threw dishes one time. Stupid action ofcorse.

When I get frustrated I tend to withdraw myself from company. When really really frustrated about something I would want to be on my own because I want to have time to think things over and contemplate. I probably would vent in a journal. But that doesn’t happen quiet often.

In my youth I had a terrible time with my parents. They couldn’t handle a teenager with an opinion so there were lots of arguments. I left my home when I was seventeen, nothing sweet about that. I learned to take care of myself at a very young age. I think that’s the reason I try to talk about things first and not vent out my feelings on to other people. I have seen what a bad temper can do to the people around you and it isn’t pretty.

Now I just express my emotions in a controlled way. If something is bugging me I keep it to myself and when things become clearer to me I will allow other people in. But then the first emotional outburst is already over. I rarely take people into confidence and sort things out between us. I live alone and tend to be somewhat private about my personal feelings.

16. Do you enjoy life as a whole? Why or why not?

I am enjoying my life very much.

I have daily activities I enjoy doing and although my income is small I can do whatever I like and I have modest wants and needs. I love the company of my dog in my household. He keeps me sane. I have to take care of him and in return he gives me his attention and his love. Also he forces me to go outside and have walks a few times per day which is good for my health.

I have a small family and few friends but just enough to keep me sociable. I tend to be on my own most of the time but that suits me perfectly. I love being around people, make no mistake, but I enjoy my own company aswell.

I have made some choices early in life and they determine my life at present. I still can vouch for those choices, I don’t regret them. One of those choices involves not wanting any kids of my own. I’ve had bad experiences in my youth and didn’t want that for others. Lateron I worked with troubled adolescents and discovered I didn’t want to add more unhappy kids into this world. I don’t think I would have been a good mother. And I never experienced motherly love in me. So I am glad I didn’t have to put this to the test.

All in all I am content and happy in my life. I must admit finding WdC and reconnecting with my Muse has something to do with that.

17. What I know About Myself.

Life has not been rosy all the time. I have had two major mental breakdowns seventeen and twelve years ago. I have come a long way since. The reason for my dark period is little described in "Fears of this and that" . I lost my job and that touched my identity in a bad way.

Looking back on it: my profession being a psychologist defined me as a person. When I lost that I lost myself. I had to reinvent myself and my life all over again, coming from literally scratch. I’m very proud of who I am now. I missed out on a few chances that’s true, one of them is finding a partner for life. I regret that because I think having a mate in life is wonderful. It feeds you and you grow as a human being because of it. I never had that. Apart from the occasional man in my life I had to do it all alone. But I am very good in alone. I am a bit of a loner. Feeling good about that too.

I try to be more open to others. That’s not easy for me to do because I have been hiding myself from the outside world in that dark period in my forties. One of the bad things that came out of that period is my low self esteem. I still suffer from it and it is hard for me to see myself as a worthy person, capable of giving something to others. I just feel very small in comparison with who I was before all this happened. Because I have accepted my recent life I slowly rediscover myself and I am in the process of loving me for me. I think that’s a good thing. But it takes time. More time than I ever could imagine it would.