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![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Hi Vampyr14 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Title: "Invalid Item" ![]() Plot: There’s a huge plot development in this chapter between Livvie and Bianca. Since I’ve read the blurb, it didn’t take me by surprise, but if I didn’t know what this book was about, I would have been rather taken aback. The girls have barely had three conversations. They don't chat on phone, they don't hang out together, they aren’t really friends. There wasn’t even a hint of attraction before this. The scene comes off as if it’s a liquor-induced experiment, which doesn’t put either girl in a good light. In Taillights, I was dying for Tony and Jake to get together. Why? Because they were friends, Tony was in love, and he wanted to do something about it for a long time. So you created a relationship and a goal for Tony. Boyfriend is missing this. There is no real relationship, no trust, no attraction—thus, no expectation from the reader. The fact it happens because they’re drunk is especially disconcerting because Livvie just went through a drunken mess with Jesse. So Chapter 13 is Liquor + Sex = Bad Experience; and Chapter 15 is Liquor + Sex = Good Experience. Without any foreshadowing, without a real relationship between Livvie and Bianca, and because it happens when they’re drunk, right after another drunken fiasco, I felt more like a voyeur watching a porn film than a participant in Livvie’s story who’s hoping, wishing, expecting they’ll get together. (Not that the scene bears any resemblance to porn, but it has the same arbitrary, we're-doing-it-because-it's-in-the-script feel.) Style & Voice: As always, the writing style and voice of the character are strong and sure. It was easy to understand Livvie’s motivations and her feelings. Referencing: No errors detected. Scene/Setting: The descriptions of the art gallery were very good, especially the mismatched colors of the paintings. I thought Bianca’s line about her cat doing better than the artist was very funny. I wasn’t so happy with the description of them getting drunk. Here are my concerns: ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Characters: There’s a bit of a disconnect here for me about Livvie’s character. It doesn’t quite make sense to me that she’d get drunk immediately after having a drunken guy force himself on her at a party. I think it’s very important to show Livvie and Bianca having a close friendship before this. Livvie’s going through troubles and her friends are busy, so it’s easy to understand why she’d need a new friend. If Livvie starts to depend on Bianca and value their relationship, then it makes sense that it could blossom into more. But the suddenness of the actions makes it a little creepy and accidental, like a one-night-stand…(and those are tawdry...) I’m struggling with how to balance the physical with the emotional in my own novel. I’m trying to show only a bit of physical attraction while laying the groundwork for “love.” I think it’s much better for the reader to believe the characters are really “meant to be together” before showing them physically bonding. That way, there’s an unfulfilled desire before anything happens. The reader gets to wonder: “When will it happen? When will he finally kiss her?” The reader should want it to happen, and when it does, then there can be fireworks and tingles, etc. Grammar: Only one typo and a few repeats. Overall Impression: I’ll stick to harping on things I've said in past reviews. ![]() LJPC - the tortoise ![]() ![]() ![]() ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS" ![]() "Invalid Item" ![]() "Anniversary Reviews" ![]() "Invalid Item" ![]()
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